You and Me and the Three-Legged Woman Makes Three

Submitted by Ted:

Claire (a girl I met online) and I were out to dinner on a first date.  The conversation went normally until I asked her to go into more detail about herself. 

"Do you believe in ghosts?" she asked me.

I told her, "I don't think so.  There's no proof that they exist.  Just hearsay."

She informed me, "I know where there's one that exists.  She appears one night a year – tonight."

"Okay," I said, knowing full well that my lack of interest would drive her crazy.  Sure enough...

"Right around here!  Want to know where?"

I asked her, "Sure.  Where?"

"She has three legs."

The look I gave her was one for the history books.  Claire went on, "You drive over this bridge and she runs next to your car and punches it, trying to get you to stop."

I asked Claire, "Why would a three-legged woman want me to stop my car?  She can likely walk an extra 50% faster than a normal person."

"Well, she–"

"She'd be a shoo-in at a three-legged race.  She'd clean house."

Claire waved my words away impatiently.  "She has three legs and I swear I saw her five years ago.  You want to come hunt her down with me tonight?"

She was so excited about it that it was hard not to feel at least some of what she was feeling.  I went for it.  "Sure.  Sign me up."

She scarfed down her dinner in minutes and next thing I knew, we were in my car, driving down deserted, lonely country roads.

"There!" Claire yelled, sticking her arm in front of my face and pointing, "Take this left!"

I did.  No streetlights, traffic lights, or even any street signs.  This was a dirt road in the middle of nowhere.  I slowed the car down.

"Don't slow down!" she yelled, "We're near her bridge!  She'll try to stop the car!"

I asked, "And what?  If she was alive, she wouldn't be able to stop it.  You think that a ghost will be able to?"

Claire gave me a look that you give to an annoying five-year-old.  "She's a ghost.  She has supernatural powers.  She can do anything."

"Except pop off her third leg and be content with two, like a normal ghost."

"Keep driving.  We're close."

"Or stop haunting a bridge for years and years."

"Look out!" Claire screamed, and grabbed the steering wheel, smashing us (low speed, thankfully) into a small ditch between two trees.

"What the hell?" I yelled at her.

She pointed out my window, but I was through playing games.  I repeated my, "What the hell?" and she pointed out the window again, shaking her finger insistently.  I glanced out my window at the nearby bridge, barely illuminated by my headlights.

I squinted and asked, "What's there?  There's nothing–"

"It's her..." Claire moaned, and I glanced at her, then back at the very deserted bridge.

Claire continued, "On the other side of the bridge... she's staring at me!"

Claire screamed, threw open my car door, and took off, into the woods.  This freaked the hell out of me so I glanced back at the bridge again.  No one was there.  I jumped out of my car, glanced at the bridge one more time, then followed Claire into the woods, calling after her.

After twenty minutes, I went back to my car, figuring that she'd have to come back to it eventually.  When I was about ten feet away from it, I heard what sounded like a giant fish being slammed twice against the pavement.

I stopped dead.  I called out, "Hello?"  No answer.  Then I called for Claire again.  Nothing.

I crept back to the car.  Nothing seemed out of the ordinary.  I looked over the bridge again.  Nothing was there.  I climbed inside and locked the doors.

Claire came back to my car about five minutes later.  Her face was filthy and I couldn't tell if it was mud or blood streaked across her face.  I jumped out of the car and ran right up to her.

I asked her if she was okay.  She gave me a funny look, like I was asking if she was okay after playing hopscotch, or a crossword puzzle.

"Yeah, I'm fine."  Then she nodded her head really fast and said, "Let's go."

I must have asked her a hundred variants of "Where were you?" and "Are you sure you're okay?" on the way back to civilization.

All she would reply was that she got freaked out and disoriented in the woods.  The only real emotion I was able to get out of her was when I asked her if she wanted to go back to find the three-legged woman.

"No!" she yelled.

I drove her back to her car, she said, "Okay, good night," and that was the last I heard from her.  Definitely one of the most eventful, strangest, and memorable dates that I've ever had.


  1. Was this in Mississippi? I could swear I've heard the legend of the three-legged woman before.

  2. Sure sounds like Mississippi.

  3. Seven-thirty6/04/2010 7:23 PM

    Imagine rashly having sex with someone like Claire and having her end up pregnant. She'd be fighting for sole custody and you'd be in family court telling the judge, "yes, your honor, I wiped the mud off Claire's face after she escaped the three-legged ghost and we had unprotected sex."

  4. ^ Yay unprotected sex!

  5. Be thankful that deluded crazy girl didn't become a stalker

  6. Be thankful that your journey into the heart of rural nowhere didn't end up with you almost being sacrificed in a barn to the Cult of the Three-Legged Woman.

    Also, my boyfriend saw the title of this one and asked, "Oh, is it about a surprise tranny?" I had kinda hoped the same thing before reading it. This might be better.

  7. Ted's "jokes" were hackneyed and annoying. I would never want to have a conversation with him. He wanted to make this story ever-so-funny and failed miserably. Douche.

  8. ^ Haters be hatin'.

  9. she wouldn't be able to run 50% faster. If the leg was able to propel with an equal ability as her other two, I'm saying 33% faster. That doesn't include wind difficulties and hip issues.

    The big question is did she have two vaginas?

  10. "The Tranny with Two Vaginas" - now there's the title of a date I had, er, would like to read.

  11. @Anon1:34 - I'm curious how you arrived at your 33% figure. I'm no kinesiologist, but I would imagine that one's running speed would be a function of how powerful each leg is, not how many legs the runner has. Runners are literally airborne between each step, with only one leg providing thrust on each step, so extra legs would simply be extraneous legs.

    The OP's 50% figure is probably closer to the truth. If this ghost were a speed-walker, the extra leg might come in handy, since it could provide a "mid-stride" impulse (compared to a normal two-legged ghost, pffft).

    It'd probably own house in an ass-kicking contest, though.

  12. I was hoping this would end with an albino twink, a huge schlonkey dong, and awkward roadside assistance. Not to be I guess.


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