I Guess Men Really Are Pigs

Submitted by Heather:

Gabe spent most of the first part of our date talking about a pet pig that he used to own. His uncle, apparently, had been a farmer, and for Gabe's tenth birthday, Gabe asked the guy for a pig, which he gave him.

To hear Gabe tell it, he took especially good care of the pig for years and years, until one day, somehow or other, the pig became smart enough to use a door and escape.

"It was locked from the inside, so I have no idea how she could've escaped."

This was my cue to ask, "How was it locked from the inside?"

"It was my bedroom.  That was where she slept."

Then he asked me, "Do you keep any animals?"

I said, "A snake."

He screamed and fell backwards in his chair.  I think that he did the backwards fall intentionally, but on his way down, he banged his head against a nearby table.  An occupied table.  A occupied table with food on it, some of which landed on and around him.

He thrashed on the ground and shouted, "Aaaagh!  Snakes!" then stood, spun around, and bowed to me.  "Ta-da!"

The folks at the other table didn't seem very pleased, and a guy stood up from there and asked Gabe to pay for the food that he had ruined.

Gabe agreed quickly, then set his chair back up properly, sat down, and leaned in to me.  "I'm not really going to pay for anything of theirs.  But I'll pay for yours.  You watch."

I prodded him, "You were saying about your pig... did you ever find her?"

He nodded and said, "Took me a while.  I had to think like a pig."  He snorted, then snorted again.  For at least a full minute, he snorted like a pig.  I thought it was funny, in a little-brother-about-his-shenanigans sort of way.

A waiter went to the other table, and the guy sitting there explained that Gabe had offered to pay for the ruined dish.  Gabe overheard this, rolled his eyes, and whispered to me to meet him outside in five minutes.  He told me that his plan was to go inside and settle up our bill, but only our bill.

I agreed to his plan, and he left the table.  Five minutes later, I did as he said and met him outside.  I asked him, "So how did you find your pig?"

He snorted and beckoned for me to follow him.  I did.  He led me into a graveyard and snorted around the gravestones for a while.  He then sat down in front of a mausoleum and patted the ground next to him.  I sat, and he started snorting into my neck and onto my face.

I was having a good time, but I couldn't really see myself making out with this guy, so I pet him on the head and said, "Good pig."

He wrapped his arms around me and rested his head against my shoulder.  We stayed like that for a while and I asked him if he wanted to call it a night.

He had fallen asleep.  I rocked him a little and repeated the question.  He said, "Sure.  Thanks," and we parted ways.

It had to have been one of the weirdest experiences of my life, but for some reason, I'm really glad that I saw the whole thing through.


  1. Worst story I have ever read on here.

  2. my head hurts from the banality

  3. It seems like the date trend on ABCotD lately has been shifting from "bad" to "just plain fucking weird."

  4. Banal?! "devoid of freshness or originality; hackneyed; trite"...

    This is the first time I've ever heard of a guy on a date thrashing around in a restaurant, causing a scene, skipping out on a check, taking his date to a mausoleum, snorting like a pig into her neck as a kind of foreplay, and then falling asleep before he could get anywhere. Then again, I haven't been in the dating scene for quite some time.

    Now, if he had just been some sort of controlling asshole who took her to a dark alley/theatre and tried to get all "bad case of the rapes" on her, or if she had turned out to be the kind of girl who speaks to dead people, then yes, you could call this date "banal" and not sound like someone who doesn't know how to use a dictionary.

  5. Definitions of banal on the Web:
    Boring, to the point of being predictable; containing nothing new or fresh. Sounds about right.

  6. Except for the "nothing new or fresh" part, dumbass. Not liking does not equal not novel. Sorry. Like Nikki, I am thinking this is the first instance of pig-snorting-foreplay. If someone wants to link to a previous date and show it has in fact been done, then fine, we can approve the word choice. Until then, find a more accurate word to convey your dissatisfaction. Good pig.

  7. Banal's right. This is definitely standard dating behavior today.

  8. I still don't understand, 9:38, how this date was "predictable." Do you always assume that your date is going to snort at you like a pig?

    You could say that the date was weird and dumb. You could say that you weren't particularly interested in this author's writing style. Hell, if you told me (and could prove it) that you've had at least two dates that ended like this--with your date falling asleep on you in a graveyard--then, shit, I'd give you banal. But if you can't, then just deal with the fact that you used the word incorrectly in this instance and find a new adjective that better describes your loathing.

  9. Seven-thirty5/26/2010 11:36 AM

    When the OP reported that the sow slept in Gabe's bedroom, apparently during the entire time that be went through puberty, I thought the story was going to take weird bestial turn, but at the end he sounded like a very mild asexual little pig... sort of like Wilbur in Charlotte's Web.

  10. Meh, just plain weird.

  11. I'm curious as to why the OP is "really glad (she) saw the whole thing through."

  12. I hate you, Heather. I hate you so hard.

  13. 1:44 - maybe because she was glad she finally had a date to submit to this site? It's the little things in life, I guess...

  14. "I was having a good time, but I couldn't really see myself making out with this guy, so I pet him on the head and said, "Good pig." "

    It sounds like your standard procedure is to make out with guys on the first date, but you made an exception here? Good Pig!

  15. You know what, I never call dates out as fake. Have even gone so far as to reprimand those that do. But I have to be honest, something stinks about this one. If it's true then it is definitely one of the weirdest dates I've ever heard....but I'm just not buying it.

  16. i'm not calling fake...

    my older step brother used to chase girls around around the class room snorting at them like a pig in h/s actually i think he did so during senior year... i wouldn't be the least bit shocked there is another guy that snorts like a pig out there...

  17. I was willing to believe it up until "He led me into a graveyard" What type of restaurant is next door to a graveyard and why would you follow a pig-guy into one?

  18. Navin R Johnson, Poor Black Child6/11/2010 12:16 PM

    Cheribell, you took the words right out of my mouth. This reads like a Diablo Cody screenplay. The convenient graveyard for Pig-boy and the bemused, snake-owning "Quirky Girl" to retire to? (I am certain that OP, in her imagination, looks exactly like Zooey Deschanel, and Pig-boy like Michael Cera.)


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