How to Blow

Submitted by Kendra:

Nick and I met at a party.  I was just out of a long-term relationship, but he seemed like a nice guy to get to know, and I was willing to take things as they came, so when he asked me out on a date, I accepted the offer.

He was an amateur magician, he told me, and said that his specialty was doing disappearing illusions and a couple of "really neat" fire tricks.  I asked him to describe the effects to me, and he held up a finger and said, "I can do better than that.  I can show you one, after dinner.  Assuming you're comfortable with coming over to my place to check it out."

We ended up at his place after dinner, and right when we walked in, he kissed me.  I pushed him away gently and told him that I was there to see a fire trick.

He went over to his sink, grabbed a glass, and started mixing things together.  I couldn't really see what he was doing, but I hung back patiently.

Finally, he held the glass towards me.  The liquid inside was brown and murky.  He said, "Blow on it."

I did, and he gave it a little shake.  Nothing happened.  He swirled the fluid in the glass around a bit more and said, "Okay, blow again."

I did.  Nothing.  I guessed that this may have been part of the trick, but he seemed distraught.  He took the glass back to his counter, sniffed it, swirled it around a bit more, looked at it, swirled it around some more.

He brought it back over to me.  "Try again."  I did.  Nothing.  He said, with utmost seriousness, "You're doing something wrong."

I asked him, "I'm blowing wrong?"

"Do it again!"  He held it right up to my face.

I did.  Nothing happened.  He said, "It's supposed to burst into flames."

I said, "And you're holding it that close to me?"

He gave it a little shake again.  Nothing happened.  He said, "Keep trying."


"Keep trying."

I gave it a solid exhale, but nothing happened. Not even a puff of smoke.  Then, he put his face right over it and blew into it as hard as he could.

A flame erupted out of it and he screamed, then dropped it onto his floor.  It shattered, the fire went out, and the brown fluid was everywhere.

He looked up at me and said, "That's how you were supposed to do it."

At this point, I was freaked out enough to not want to be there anymore.  Regardless of the magic trick, he seemed quick to anger and just being there made me uncomfortable.  It was easy at that point to bring the date to a close.


  1. The "you're doing it wrong" was obviously part of the trick... I don't think he would have wanted flames to burst in your face. This is why he's an 'amateur' magician. He just hasn't gotten the act for this trick down yet.

  2. Or maybe he's just a terrible magician who didn't think about the consequences of having a glass of fire blow up in his date's face? I have a couple of friends who are semi-professional magicians (in that they do it for money, but as a side gig), and safety is always first with them. Like you said, it's why he's an "amateur."

  3. I kept waiting for him to tell a bad blow job joke, or say something like "maybe you can practice...ON MY PENIS" or something of the like.

    If this website has taught me anything, it is to expect the absolute worst out of people. Thank you, abcd.

  4. There is no such thing as a magician being a good date. At least now you know.

    And, no, it's not because I'm bitter over being fired for not fitting in the saw-in-half box anymore. Tho the last time I used my cavernous vag under the top hat, Professor Fingersmith ended up pulling out all 470 links of garlic sausage I was going to use for my cassolet and refused to return them.

  5. Seven-thirty5/24/2010 6:41 PM

    Way to pick the names Jared. Nick the Magician and his beautiful assistant Kendra. Sounds like an act.

  6. "...I was just out of a long-term relationship, but he seemed like a nice guy to get to know, and I was willing to take things as they came, so when he asked me out on a date, I accepted the offer."

    Why do people always feel the need to begin their stories by *justifying* why they went out on the date? That is so annoying!

    Sorry...I've been enjoying this site for a while now, but every time a story starts with an excuse as to why they went out with a crazy person, I cringe. And ending that first statement with "so I thought, 'why not?'" makes me want to scream.

    HAD to get that off my chest :-)

  7. ^ You're saying what we're thinking...

  8. She left before the trick was finished, that was probably something to distract her while he put cards in her pockets and pennies behind her ear.

  9. Kendra's the real name of the submitter. I don't change submitter names, just names of all other parties within the story.

  10. @ Fizziks - I totally disagree! I think magicians are pretty cool. I was working on being one back in high school (yeah, I didn't have many friends) and still have some tricks up my sleeve, although not many good ones. That being said, this guy was insane. Tricks involving FIRE should not be tried out on your date. God knows what would have happened to all that AquaNet she had in her hair if it had actually worked!

  11. Ahem - Architect, you practiced magic? And you somehow thing this undermines my point?

    Magicians are always showing something to get you to be in awe, trying to get one over on you, and spending hours in masturbatory-like focus on their "performance". It is never fun. They are never not onstage.

  12. Nomatophobia - totally agree on both counts. I was waiting for him to say "OH, it's not working because you need to blow on my dick!" or something as romantic as that.

    But what got me was that she didn't want to date him because he was "quick to anger" (which I didn't see in the story) not that he tried to burn her face off with a lame magic trick.

  13. What's the difference between a magician and a deck of cards?

    A deck of cards has more than one suit!



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