Submitted by Sara:
Ken and I were taking a walk after a light dinner. He stopped and said, "Okay. Dealbreaker time."
This is never a welcome phrase. I looked at him, waiting for what was to come. He said, "Don't you want to know what it is?"
I said, "Yes. I was waiting for you to say it."
He smiled and replied, "Heh. I was waiting for you to ask me for what I was going to say."
"What were you going to say?"
"I hunt. You know, like animals, in forests and stuff."
I don't have anything against sportsmen, although it's not really my cup of tea. I told him, "That's okay. Occasionally or obsessively?"
He laughed, then saw that I wasn't laughing. He said, "Kind of... obsessively. I own 30 guns."
Whoa. That's about 27-28 more than I thought most people would ever find necessary in their lifetimes. He was quick to cut in, "But some are antiques and aren't used. Had an accident once, though. Shot my buddy. He's fine."
Before I could even react to that, he pointed his thumb and forefinger up, gun-like, at me, and yelled, "Bang bang bang bang bang! Heh."
As I drove away at the end of the date, I remembered reading, "Animal lover" on his website profile. I guess he just loves them in a different way. Dead and on his plate.
I like how he called it Dealbreaker time, as if this had happened many times before. I also like how the "Dealbreaker" to him was hunting, and not his nonchalance over accidentally shooting his friend. Whoopsies.
ReplyDeleteMaybe he'll accidentally shoot himself. Way to dodge a lead ball Sara.
ReplyDeleteYou can love domestic/pet animals and still hunt for sport or food. It's not one or the other!
ReplyDeleteSpoiler alert...
That cute little calf makes some a delicious veal scallopini.
That cute little piglet is 1/3 of a delicious BLT sandwich.
That ugly looking big bird with feather, that can't fly and has a scrotum hanging off it's chin is a turkey and is a big part of many Xmas and Thankgsiving dinners.
They do say human is the most challenging game to hunt. But perhaps taking a pot-shot at your passed-out drunken buddy isn't a real skill. How fun is it we can now add actual bullet-dodging to why your date was terrible?
ReplyDeleteMeat ya, if you are using a whole third of piglet on your BLT you must look like me. Spoiler alert! Acting macho about meat consumption is just alerting the world to your erectile dysfunction.
ReplyDeleteIf you had stuck it out till a second date he would have become intimate and started sharing some of his sniper fantasies.
ReplyDeleteAll I am going to say is that when all hell breaks lose and there are no jobs, hardly any water, zombies, untreatable disease, werewolves, the country dissolves, fizziks gets so big she consumes a rain forest each day as her salad, 3 headed beavers with pitch forks... pick your poison, I would rather have a hunter by my side than a animal rights activist.
ReplyDeleteApparently I can't spell loose. Maybe next time I will look up fizzik's vagina in the dictionary for a more accurate spelling.
ReplyDelete^ Let's take a look at that:
ReplyDeleteJobs: 9.5% unemployed
Water: Glaciers dissolving rapidly
Zombies: Most of Hollywood, and D.C.
Untreatable disease: Narcolepsy
Werewolves: Hypertrichosis
USA-nada: We all live in Fizziks vagina
Fizziks: Doesn't eat salad silly
3 Evil Beavers: Sisters from Pretty Wild
Lebowski, I'd like to introduce you to the Nuge.
Nice, Error! And btw can I say how much I am totally in love with how you've rolled with the name change? <3
ReplyDeleteI think someone just pee'd on my rug again :(
ReplyDeleteThat's a great plan, Error. That's fuckin' ingenious, if I understand it correctly. It's a Swiss fuckin' watch.
Heh, heh. Thanks. Another handle is Erroneous, which works too.
ReplyDeleteSorry that last one was at Fizziks. But thank you Lebowski, I enjoyed the puzzle.
ReplyDelete"That's about 27-28 more than I thought most people would ever find necessary in their lifetimes."
ReplyDeleteIt's a guy thing, honey. Same thing applies to women and shoes. We like what we like; having more makes us happy.
I'm with Fizziks...it's not so fun saying "WAY TO DODGE A BULLIT LOLOLOL" when you may have, literally, dodged a bullet. :P
ReplyDelete@Nikki - oddly personal and perchance stalkerish, but I'll be in Baltimore to see Big Freedia tomorrow, any chance you may be there too? Azz Everywhere!
ReplyDeleteNot that stalkerish at all, Fizziks. I will not be at that show, and I actually had to Google them to find out who/what Big Freedia were. If you find yourself at the Towson Mall, however, you might run into me purchasing new frames for my glasses.
ReplyDeleteDid his friend appologize for being shot afterward? So you dated Dick Cheney?
ReplyDeleteIt is a deal breaker for some. Ok no problem. I enjoy going to the range and firing off my weapons and fully understand people who aren't into it. I used to hunt on occasion not really my thing. I respect the sport if done properly, no baiting or trapping, it helps thin the herds so animals don't starve to death in harsh winters. The deal breaker for me are the people who think I want to kill everything in sight because I own gun.
ReplyDelete