4/29/2010

It's Hypnotize to Be a Square

Submitted by Hunter:

Lesley came off as my kind of woman - friendly, interesting, smart, and fun.  She had a good job, and didn't seem to have much baggage... or, in retrospect, too much in the realm of ex-boyfriends with whom to have had baggage with.

I began to understand why once we sat down in a park, after we had a light dinner at a local tea place.  We were sitting in the grass when she took my hands and looked into my eyes.

"Slow down," she said, then repeated, "Slow down."

I wasn't sure what she was talking about.  She clarified, "Your breathing.  Slow it down.  It'll help."

I asked her, "Help what?"

She didn't respond, but closed her eyes.  I still wasn't sure what was going on, but everything had gone fine up until then.  So what was a little bit of weirdness?

"You're getting sleepy," she said in a monotone, "You're getting relaxed."

I figured this was some sort of hypnosis game and decided to play along.  I closed my eyes, too.  She went on, "You are getting sleepy.  You want to take me out on another date."

I snorted.  I couldn't help it.  But I kept my eyes closed and tried to cover it with a cough.  I'm not sure if she was able to tell, since she kept going.

"You want to take me out on another date.  And after that, another date."

I couldn't do it anymore.  I opened my eyes.  "I'm sorry, Lesley.  Are you serious?"

"Eyes closed!" she ordered.  I slammed them shut.  This was going to be good.

She started humming.  Not a song or anything.  Just a solid note.  For at least a minute or two.  When she had time to take a breath, I had no idea.  I opened my eyes.  Her eyes were closed.  I closed mine again.  She squeezed my hands.  She whispered, "You're going to ask me out again.  You're going to ask me out again.  You're going to ask me out again.  You're going to ask me out again."

Then she did a final hum, hummed louder, then squeezed my hands really tight, then released them and stopped humming.

I kept my eyes closed until she said, "Open your eyes."

I did.  She asked, "You okay?  You were sort of staring into space there for a bit."

I told her that I was fine.  I didn't mention anything about it for the rest of the date.  I never asked her out again.

15 comments:

  1. She sounds like someone who only glimpses reality on occasion. Good job avoiding the projectile.

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  2. It's nice to know someone's trying out my patent-pending 63 DVD set of 'How to Use Hypnosis to Make Me Wealthy At Your Expense' - buy now for one convenient payment of $3999.95. It also explains the lone email I received asking when I'll release the 64th one 'How All The Stuff I Rambled About is Actually Used for Hypnosis.'

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  3. how can you be both smart and think you an hypnotize people? feel like its one or the other

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  4. Completely agree, 11:54. That's why I think you should consider learning hypnosis. Interested in some DVDs? ;^P

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  5. I once went to a therapist that was supposed to help me quit smoking. She was trying to hypnotize me. The room was darkly lit, the smell of lavender filled the air from scented candles scattered throughout the office. As I closed my eyes, I could visually sense a soft orange glow bouncing from the wicks of the source of this heavenly aroma.

    My therapist told me to sit back, relax, and focus on a time when I was truly at peace. I thought of laying in a hammock on the beach, as the wind wisped across my sandy feet. A drop of cold condensation trickled down my chest from the frozen, salted margarita in my tanned hand. I could just barely focus on my therapist's words across the room as she kept lightly entrancing me, "relax... relax... relax..."

    I felt her warm hands apply a light pressure on my shoulders as she started to firmly massage me, deepening my state of mind into the tunnel of relaxation I was entering.

    Suddenly, I felt a warm sensation against a spot of my scalp, freshly shaved from the mohawk I sport throughout spring through fall. I opened my eyes, and realized what the sensation was. It was a piece of skin from my therapist's arm, flapping against my scalp.

    I jumped, and could only think of one thing to yell...
    "FAT BIIIIIITCH!!!"

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  6. hypnosis is real, but you can only get hypnotized if you want to and some people get hypnotized easier than others

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  7. sorry everybody i spaced out for a minute. anyway, god, i dont know why but after reading this i have the strangest urge to ask this girl on a date.

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  8. @ Gulliver - Nice job on the build up man! Saggy arms are nasty, what a fat bitch. ;)

    @ Fizziks - Hey, I sent you the $3,999.95, now where the hell are my DVDs? I got some hypmotomizin' to do!

    Op's date could have made that into a really funny cute moment if she had just laughed once. The absence of laughter indicated the presence of crazy.

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  9. I'm SO all about the first comment's creative twist on the "dodge a bullet" gag. Also, I agree that many bullets were dodged in the writing of this date.

    Gulliver, I saw your name and the long comment and actually squealed out loud a little at work with anticipation of how you would build up to the "fat bitch" joke. Thank you. :)

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  10. Sorry about that, Gulliver, I needed your mohawk to itch that spot I can't reach. But I did finally get that arm-girdle you recommended. :)

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  11. yeah, if she had laughed, and stopped doing that after the first time, that would've been cute. But I would get really uncomfortable just sitting there with my eyes closed.

    I've never been able to get hypnotized, I just can't get into it.

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  12. Seven-thirty4/29/2010 4:07 PM

    Given the percentage of marriages that end in divorce, it is clear that dodging the bullet is not so simple. Nice that some of them are easy to see coming.

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  13. So it was important that she have a good job? Men are such gold-diggers.

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  14. You should have gotten up stood on the table screamed then grabbed a knife and started licking the side of it really slow while screaming. All while looking her dead in the eye

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  15. ...what? I thought it was cute. Had nobody else considered the possibility that it was meant as a cute joke?

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