Sew, Sew Low

After sending out close to a dozen e-mails with no responses on the online dating site that I use, I finally heard back from Willa, 25, an elementary teacher who likes going to sewing circles.  I'm not at all into elementary teaching or sewing, but she could hold a conversation, which was more than I could say for anyone else I had met on that site so far.  We live four miles from each other, and so I organized a date in the middle of August.

Before the date, Willa said that she was making a "surprise" for me.  This displeased me, as it necessitated the need for me to bring a "surprise" for her.

"No it doesn't!" she said, "I just like doing nice things for people."

This further displeased me, as it implied that, according to her logic, if I showed up surprise-less, I would appear to be a person who did NOT like doing nice things for people.  It was manipulative and stupid, but I thought, "How manipulative and stupid can this girl be?"

As it turns out, she was about as Machiavellian as Machiavelli and as stupid as Einstein, if Einstein refers to my pet rock in college, who had (at best) a first-grade reading level.  At best.

We met up at a nice restaurant, sat down, and she presented me with the surprise: a handmade potholder.  What was truly surprising was that this potholder had loose stitching, was oddly-shaped, and seemed to be cobbled together from three different prior potholders.

"What do you think?"  She beamed at me, expectant.

"Well, it's lovely!" I lied, using it to pantomime the removal of something hot out of an invisible oven.  "This will come in handy.  Thank you."

At this, Willa became quiet.  We split an appetizer of spinach and artichoke dip, and still her mood wasn't lifted.

"Willa, what's wrong?"

"This isn't going to work."

"Why not?"

"It's obviously a crappy potholder.  You're a liar."

I stared at her as if she had just projectile vomited twelve babies, all of whom Angelina Jolie would likely claim as her own.  I asked, "What are you talking about?"

She folded her hands together.  "I made a bad potholder to see if you were an honest guy.  Obviously, you're not."  She smiled weakly.


"Whatever.  Let's just split dinner and call it a night, all right?"

"How about we don't?"

I stood up and left.


  1. Your first clue should have been the fact that she didn't respond to your emails until after the twelfth one. The potholder was a setup just to let you down, as she knew you would try to compliment positively about it. Calling you a lying was her way of making you feel like shit, even though you were just trying to be nice. Granted, you had a crappy date, but you should have seen this coming.

  2. um anon1, what are you talking about, the op mentions no luck in good responses from other girls, and the only twelve reference is to the dead babies

  3. Lay off anon1, anon2. It is very hard to comment on the internet when you're smoking crack and I, for one, think he has put in a herculean effort.

  4. anon3 wins the day! and anon4 is super sexy.

  5. anon5 raped anon4...sorry you shouldn't be leaving all your sexy out like that, you were asking for it really.

  6. It's fortunate that not too many potential dates respond to you. You read way too much into her motivations. So what if someone says she's going to make you a special gift on the first date? Go with the flow and quit analyzing everything. Keep this up and discover years of stupid-ass relationships. Like attracts like.

  7. I've never met anyone who would actually react the same way you did about a "surprise". You definitely read too deeply into things. You're also a very hostile and defensive person; someone who shouldn't be looking for dates online.

    Also, your attempts at comedy are suckish.

  8. Why do you always play devil's advocate, Mallory? Seems like no matter what is posted, you always take the opposite side. Lame.

  9. This is "wait, what the f---?" kind of funny.

  10. You are all so silly...and are not reading this right
    1.) He had send out 12 emails to the dating site and not to the teacher.
    2.) That is not a very honest test of someones honesty!
    3.) I am female and I too would have done what he did and left.
    So there!!
    Beth in Texas


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