Hike to Perdition

Carrie and I met on an online dating site, traded several pleasant e-mails, a few late-night phone calls, and agreed to meet up for a hike.

She showed up eager, excited, and ready to go. We chose a three-mile roundtrip walk and were on our way.

"Ugh," she said after about ten steps, "I'm getting all sweaty."

"Stay hydrated," I said, "You have to keep drinking."

"Give me some water."

I handed her one of the four water bottles I was carrying in my backpack. She drank it all down and we continued on.

After about fifty more steps, she said, "I'm still sweating like a pig."

I stopped walking and turned to her. "Do you want to stop and turn around?"

She looked up in consideration. "How much further is there to go?"

"About three miles. Minus the hundred or so feet that we just walked."

"Ugh. Fine. Let's keep going."

We continued on in relative silence until a little while longer, when we hit a small lake. I put my backpack down and asked, "Want to stop here for lunch?"

In response, she stripped off her clothes and jumped into the lake. "Ahhh..." she said, "It's so nice in here."

I frowned, glancing at a nearby sign that read, "No swimming." I asked her, "Want company?" and began removing my shirt.

"Uh... no." she said, and swam out a bit.

Thusly, I sat down lakeside and ate lunch. She pulled herself out of the lake, shivering. I gave her a towel and she pulled her clothes back on. "I'm fucking freezing," she said.

For the rest of the hike, she alternated between, "I'm sweating like a pig," and, "I'm fucking freezing."

We finally made it back to the car and she said, "Ugh. I feel so gross."

I said, "At least you're not a non-stop whiner."

She didn't much care for that, but it's okay. I didn't much care for her.