5/06/2013

The Mindless Is a Terrible Thing to Waste

Profile Sent in by Erika:

(Erika says: "This guy 'winked' at me. I enjoy the sarcasm and hatred but I feel like it went on just a touch too long. Thoughts?")


About Me:

I’ve read through dozens of profiles. Below is what makes up an average girl’s profile:

“Hi! I'm new to Chicago and I absolutely love what the city has to offer! I’m unable to commit to a residence so I move every 6 months. It makes me look busy. Although I just moved in yesterday, my number one priority is to find a sexy boy toy to play with!”

“I’m fun-loving and adventurous. If I really had such qualities, I shouldn’t have to mention them in my profile! I never mean what I say and always contradict myself.”

“My family and friends are very important to me that I abandoned them when I moved here. Any of my 9,000 Facebook friends are expendable whom I’ll drop like a bad habit once they’re no longer of use to me.”

“There are many pictures of me in skimpy bridesmaids’ dresses. I attend about a dozen weddings per summer! I love how people spend years and thousands of dollars so I can worship a bridezilla for a marriage that will end in less time than it took to plan.”

“I changed careers 9 times in the past 3 years. I have 6 figures of student loan debt because it took me 10 years to get my degree. I also had to spend 2 years “studying” abroad. It was such an AMAZING experience because it was like a 2-year vacation!”

“I'm obsessed with traveling abroad. I think I’m multicultural so I could spend thousands of dollars per year on foreign vacations just so I can mention them in my profile.”

“I’m low maintenance so I expect you to pick me up, pay for everything, and take full responsibility of me. Since men outnumber the women on this site by an obscene amount; putting me in a position of extreme power, I’m a princess and I expect to be treated like one even though I’ll treat you like crap. I’ll also be busy texting my friend over some “crisis” which conveniently arose during our date.”

“I’m 20 or 30-something going on 16 so qualities like personality and intelligence are meaningless when compared to build and height. My ideal boy toy should be a 6’4” macho freak with movie star good looks (although I’m only 5’3” and average looking). If I’m not physically attracted to your thumbnail pic, I won’t bother looking at your profile even though you took the time to contact me.”

“Although I’ll find the time to log on every day, I’ll be “too busy” to respond to e-mails within’ three weeks. Expect to chase me around mindlessly.”

“Don’t contact me if you’re looking to hook-up, although the provocative pictures of me in skimpy, low-cut outfits suggest otherwise. I hope to receive many e-mails asking to hook up because nothing’s more gratifying than a bunch of dudes wanting to bang me.”

"I have at least one kissyface pic so people can see how retarded I look. It's the female version of the shirtless bathroom pic!"

25 comments:

  1. You enjoy the bitterness and A Voice for Men style bullshit that's steaming off that profile? Ok, your prerogative...

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  2. I haven't done online dating in quite a number of years, but he seems pretty spot on from what I remember. I'm actually tempted to email this to someone who I think it describes to a tee...

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  3. Too much bitterness for my taste, but I have to admit when I was on those sites, I felt like I was reading the same profile over and over again:

    What's your favorite music - I like all kinds :D
    What's your favorite movie - OMG, I LOVE the NOTEBOOK!!!!1!11!!!
    Sprinkle in some kissy face photos and some of her dog and that's about 80% of what's out there.

    My favorite line form this was “I’m fun-loving and adventurous. If I really had such qualities, I shouldn't have to mention them in my profile!..." Too true. I lump "Classy" into that same category.

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  4. "I'm fun-loving and adventurous" is code for "I will expect you to arrange and finance activities and vacations for me."

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  5. And BTW, the part at the end about hoping to receive emails from guys wanting to hook up, solely for ego-stroking is 100% true. KatieGirl ADMITTED that she does that! Even when she has a boyfriend!

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  6. I like readings the Craigslist ads for fun, especially the guy ones. Most are a variation of I want sex or let me humilate or demean you. And they include pictures of their junk. It reminds me of that game of throne quote where Peter Balysh says "Men have been enjoying their (junk) since they were young boys. They think everyone else should as well."

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  7. And all of the guy's profiles on this things are just works of art, individual as snowflakes, each sentence transporting you to the ecstasy of the essay-reading dream scene in A Christmas Story...
    ..."and this thing on the stock that tells time!" /clutches essay to chest

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  8. Just to be clear, this was ALL he had in his "about me" section.. while what he is saying is pretty damn accurate about a good portion of the female profiles out there, it was not the place to express it if you actually want to meet someone. He could have just written that he hates women and have been done with it. Or you know, not have a profile at all..?

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  9. Also, his emails proved that he was an bitter, angry, and extremely hateful little man..

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  10. "I wrote a nasty takedown of women as a whole, and none of those bitchy princesses will go on a date with me! Boo hoo hoo"

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  11. @ Fizziks - You bring up a really good point. I've often wondered what the equivalent guy profile looks like. What are the "code words" that women see over and over again and what do they mean?

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  12. I'd love to know this as well.. I find guys feature a lot of cliches in their profiles like "work hard, play hard" and "partner in crime". Blah.

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  13. @Architect - it's been years since I was on the dating sites, so anything I'd dredge from memory would be creaky with duct. Might I suggest directing your query to the commenter known to frequent the sites regardless of status? It would be more informative.

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  14. Stuff I used to see a lot:

    "Looking for someone like Mr. Darcy"
    "Hey jerks, MY KIDS COME FIRST!"
    "Not sure why I'm on here..."
    "Players need not apply!"
    "We need to be FRIENDS FIRST!"

    Probably many more I'm forgetting, as I haven't trolled those sites in 6-7 years...

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  15. did anyone notice on her profile she says she 20 something going on 30 something going on 16? what the hell does that mean?

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  16. Blue, that was HIS profile, satirizing a woman's profile.

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  17. oh thanks steve for explaining

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  18. I kind of wish Nice Guys of OKCupid was still up, because this totally belongs on it.

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  19. Totes agree, TychaBrahe. Also, your handle is sweet :)

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  20. Typical things on guys' profiles:

    "I want a woman who is equally comfortable in jeans or a little black dress." (Every. Single. Profile.)

    "I'm not hung up on appearance, but height/weight MUST be proportionate." (How...vaguely...specific)

    "Must be up for both hiking and dancing." (I think they've all deluded themselves that they'll one day get up from playing video games and go on an epic hiking/dancing date.)

    And, of course, most guys try to work their "oral accomplishment" into the profile somehow. Suuuuure...

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  21. I just realized that I haven't looked at online profiles in ages. I'm pretty bitter myself, so I can't be too mad at OP. And for the record I HATE the Notebook. I would take James Marsden over Ryan Gossling any day. Man, I don't think I'm very romantic. I also hate Sleepless in Seattle. But I love Robin Hood Men in Tights. Marian and Robin, now that's love. Married in a hurry! Married in a hurry!

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  22. I once saw a guy's profile that summarized most women's that has to include:
    *chocolate (must be at least 70% cacao)
    *chap stick (apparently everyone loves supple lips)
    *friends (no one wants to look desperate)
    etc.

    I was pleased that not a single thing he made fun of could be found on mine. :)

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  23. I'm going to agree with Tanette-I'm not very romantic and I never was big on dating in general. It was always sort of like-you want me to spend time paying attention to you for exactly what reason? I have always had my own money and some guy calling me and interrupting my school/work schedule never worked.

    Looking back on it, I haven't changed that much, I just found a wonderful man who wanted to be with me enough he adapted to what I had going on. He just fits and I love with more than anything in this world. I dont need contrived romance, if i know he's there, that is enough for me.

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  24. I did internet dating for years, met a LOT of losers and had one or 2 epic dates that could have ended up here. I totally could have written a sarcastic and angry profile based on what I found, but I still wanted to get dates and nobody was going to want to go out with an angry, bitter dater.

    Eventually I did meet someone off the internet and now am married with baby. So stay positive.

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  25. Key words/phrases women find in men's online profiles?
    I avoid guys with the words "looking for fun" or "looking for a good time" right in their profiles. Or even better "...focused on my career right now and just looking for a woman to have some fun with".

    It all pretty much screams "looking for sex" to me. I feel like those guys put it in their profile as a disclaimer so if you don't get naked with them by date three they can accuse you of knowing what they'd had in mind.

    Thoughts?

    ReplyDelete

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