3/21/2013

Run Through the Jungle

Story Sent in by Liz:

Back when I dabbled in online dating, I met Justin. He and I seemed to have a lot in common, with one notable exception: Justin liked to hunt, and he told me that he went on a regular basis with his friends. I'm as bleeding heart a liberal as they come, but I didn't think that it would've been fair of me to dismiss him based on that one hobby. Hunting simply wasn't something I'd ever likely do, myself.

One time, he wrote me a long message and asked me, at the end of it, if I wanted to go out for a drink. The thing was, I was having an especially busy week at work, so for a few days in a row, I stayed late at the office and arrived home exhausted. I didn't have a chance to write him back for a little bit.

When I did, I felt bad about having left him in suspense, and I apologized to him in my message.

He wrote back, "It's okay. I'll get revenge on you somehow. ;)"

I took it that he was kidding, and he asked me if I wanted to visit a steakhouse with him. I was up for it, and he gave me an address and a time to meet him, that coming Saturday afternoon.

I GPSed my way to the address he gave me, and was confused to discover that it led me to a rural, forested, residential area. There was definitely no restaurant or Justin around.

I parked on the side of the road and although my phone barely had any signal, I started to call him when all of a sudden—

"Get her!" someone yelled outside my car,

I looked up. Four or five guys, in full combat fatigues and helmets, ran at my car, from the woods.

Almost automatically, I shifted into drive and drove off. In my rear view, I saw them running after me until I turned onto the next road.

A few minutes later, as I drove back toward civilization, my phone rang. I saw it was Justin and I picked up.

The voice on the other end was definitely not Justin's. It was slower and deeper and said, "We got you good! You should've seen your face."

"Where's Justin?" I asked.

There were some voices in the background that I couldn't hear clearly, and then the mystery guy said, "Justin says revenge is sweet," and then the guy hung up on me.

I blocked Justin from sending me further messages as soon as I made it back home. I hope that the whole affair was worth it, for him. As for me, I don't do online dating, anymore.

28 comments:

  1. What the hell... His reaction to you not answering him for a couple days (not to mention apologizing) isn't psychotic at all.... *sarcasm*

    He prolly wasn't interested in sending you any more messages if he has his friends scare the shit out of you and hang up on you. I'm thinking he ranted to his buddies about how much of a "bitch" you supposedly were to him and they decided to mess with you because they had nothing better to do. Sounds like the guy has a sensitive ego.

    That must have been traumatizing but if they really wanted to scare you, they should have waited until you got out of the car.

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  2. Dear "Bleeding Heart Liberals,"

    Here in suburban/rural PA, deer populations have skyrocketed due to a (man-made)decline in their natural predators, such as bear and mountain lions. These overpopulated deer cause many vehicular accidents - often times causing human fatalities, and destroy the delicate forest flora trying to grow. Additionally, each winter, the young/old/sick/weak deer slowly and agonizingly starve to death, as there is too much competition for food.

    Thus, deer hunting has many benefits. It's not "murder," and it's not just a "hobby" for some people. It puts food on the table for some impoverished rural folk, and helps areas to manage their wildlife resources, which are way out of whack.

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  3. Chunky Horse 2 - Slowly and methodically, Chunky Horse picks off the hunting party one-by-one. Eventually, there is only Justin left, who steels himself for the final showdown...

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  4. No, silly goose. It's the synopsis.

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  5. Steve! You made me super hungry for venison right now.

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  6. There's a point at which you involve the police, and I think getting a premeditated ambush by strangers in a desolate area meets that criteria.

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  7. Once again, we have a Bad Case of the Rapes.

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  8. Oh Fizziks, you're such a prude! Don't you know a good time when you see one? This girl had a ball gag and multiple gang rapes in her very near future. What else could she possibly want from a date?

    Seriously though, that guy is a fucking lunatic and should be arrested. Glad you made it out alive OP!

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  9. Nothing wrong with a little Cougar Hunting!

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  10. There is no Natural Selection... just a list of animals that Chunky Horse allows to live (for now).

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  11. Jared,

    Does Chunky Horse' creator know he started a meme? If the people who's briefly askew lives we observe with mirth and schadenfraude ever communicate with you, it would be entertaining reading.

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  12. I literally pray EVERY DAY that the original Chunky Horse tape will surface for our viewing pleasure... Get on it, Jared!

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  13. CHUNK Y HORSE
    CHUNK Y HORSE
    CHUNK Y HORSE
    *while doing the slow clap*

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  14. Chunky Horse would show those hunters who the apex predator is...

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  15. op you had a car why not run them over? a car against five dudes? You would so win if u tried to run them over

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  16. Dave - If the guy it's about ever Googles "Chunky Horse," then I might very well hear about it. In fact, I'm fairly resigned to it being a "when" rather than an "if."

    In the meantime, enjoy this:
    http://cheezburger.com/6866825728

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  17. Steve... as much as I hate the Chunky Horse obsession, I do have to say that your description of deer in PA is perfect, except for two things... you forgot to mention that they're technically rodents, and they're antlered rats. And you forgot to mention that as bad as they are here, they're ten times worse across the river in New Jersey.

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  18. I have no problem with people who hunt, its population control for the deer because earlier hunters felt the need to kill off all of their natural predators.

    Hunting, however, is not a sport. If you want to make it a sport, then lets arm the animals and have a free for all. I have no problem for people who hunt and use the meat, but it seems sort of barbaric to kill something living for "fun." I'm from down South and the turn we have for that is "redneck."

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  19. They limited the bear hunt near where I live...and recently they've become larger, hungrier and more curious and aggressive. They have recently been seen within our city limits. It's only when a child was mauled in a local park that those 'against' the hunt suddenly realized that sometimes man vs nature is a necessity.

    *And by 'bear', I mean cougar and my 'mauled a child', I mean one really horny cougar sexually took advantage of a drunk me in a local hotel.

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  20. Yes. PLEASE let the creator of the movie be desperate enough to see if Chunky Horse actually is on HBO and in fact discover that many blog followers are dying to see his film. I'm sure he will send us a copy if he had the chance.

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  21. OP's only bad move was stopping the car where she did. Other than that, good reflexes. You may have saved yourself from something far worse.

    And thank you for not being preachy about the hunting thing. I hunt (and fish, and trap), and it seems a lot of people are either on the "everyone must hunt" side, or else on the "hunting is evil" side, with no respect for differing opinions.

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  22. I love Chunky Horse! Please tell me howiecaughtacougar. (I'll be one in just a couple of years. Looking forward to my first twenty five year old). And Steve, I was nutty about a guy who hunted. He had calluses on his hands and would tell me stories of hunting deer, and I thought that it was so frickin hot. Unfortunately, I was a little too eager in my affections and he did not return the favor, but he did give me a pair of earrings made out of deer antlers. That was pretty cool. Also, deer meat is delicious. Oh, right, the OP, I'm so glad that you were able to get out of a precarious situation. Good thinking on your feet.

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  23. I hope this taught her to googlemaps any meeting address to somewhere you don't know given by a stranger.

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  24. I don't have what it takes to shoot an animal. I agree it's in no way a sport - what are the odds the animal will win? Still, I'm glad for hunters, better a head or heart shot than illness or starvation.

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  25. I love the sequel title... Chunky Horse 2: Slowly and Methodically

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  26. I know this is a bit old but those of you who say it's unfair to the deer, have you ever gone deer hunting? My dad does regularly and there have been years when he didn't get anything. Deer are very good at hiding from predators even if the predators have rifles.

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