5/08/2012

"Over the Line!"

Story Sent in by Joy:

Andy regaled me with stories of his military career during our first date dinner. He sure came off sounding like a hero. He saved his platoon from an airstrike, he went on a solo spy mission, he reprogrammed a drone to take out a senior terrorist... His tales all sounded heroic, but less and less possible for a 24-year-old.

Finally, I blurted, "If you're really such a big hero, then why aren't you on the joint chiefs or a captain or general?"

He stared at me for the longest time and said, "If you don't believe me, then why are we even out together? Why would I lie about anything I've told you? I'm a goddamned hero of America!"

"Okay," I said. He had raised his voice.

"I've had friends who died face-down in the mud so we could have this pleasant chat."

I cracked up. I couldn't help it! He was quoting The Big Lebowski. I said, "You're out of your element, Donnie!"

He didn't roll with it. Instead, it made him angrier. "You think I'm quoting from some stupid film? Do you know how many men died so that we could have this talk? Good men?"

"Over the line!" I said.

"Waiter!" he called out, across the restaurant, "Check!"

I giggled. He muttered to me, "People like you make my job difficult, like I have trouble remembering why I do it."

"Dude, the Chinaman is not the issue, here!"

I couldn't help but troll him, take him down a few pegs. He left me there with a crumpled ball of bills that barely covered his soup and steak.

13 comments:

  1. Ha! I read the title and thought "I bet this story is going to have some reference to The Big Lebowski". Little did I know...

    Side note: Here in Manhattan there is a store called The Little Lebowski, which sells nothing but memorabilia and merchandise from that movie. I went in there and asked the guy what compelled him to open such a store and he something about wanting to have a job where he could hang out in his bathrobe all day. Sure enough, there he stood, in his bathrobe, selling me T-shirts with The Dude on 'em. Take it easy.

    Back on topic: Good job OP. Some people just need to be called out and/or trolled. Didn't we have a Holden Caulfield on here not too long ago?

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  2. When someone brags about their spy missions, it means they're fake, real spies know the need for opsec. And most regular soldiers I know don't like talking about their experiences.

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    1. Everyone is a Seal, except actual Seals, who never bring it up.

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  3. I wouldn't be surprised if he wasn't even in the military at ALL...

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  4. I love this story so much I want to marry it.

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  5. Also, this isn't 'Nam. There are rules...

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  6. A real hero never calls himself a hero. I know many humble American heroes I am proud to call my friends. This guy is a wannabe soldier. I am disgusted by a**holes impersonating our good guys.

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  7. i too don't think he is even in the military..

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  8. The Op was never in danger. This date was coward.

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  9. I too think this guy's military career is a fantasy

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  10. You just had a date with Chuck Sylvester Cruise Schwarzenegger. You should obey or you'll get round-housed, punched, thrown off a skyscraper and generally bombed in all areas in and around yourself. Be careful!

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  11. Best story on this site. I would have lost it. Good for the OP for keeping the quips and quotes going during the date.

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