5/02/2012

The Goods and the Bads

Story Sent in by Ralph:

Emma's favorite subject, during our dinner date, was her ex-boyfriend. "He was a bodybuilder and a triathlete," she told me, "And yes, he was great in the sack."

I said, "I didn't ask how he was in the sack."

She smiled coquettishly and shrugged. She had been out of her relationship with this guy, I should mention, for over five years. Online, she had seemed interested enough in me, but in person, she was anything but. I guessed that she didn't like how I looked or something similarly superficial (even though my profile photos were current and we had even video-chatted once).

I asked her something about her job, I forgot what. Just to change the subject, if for nothing else.

She asked me, "That's quite the segue. Are you jealous of him or something?"

I said, "Of your ex? I don't see how I could be."

She said, "Well, I mean, I have the goods." She rocked herself slowly back and forth.

I shuddered. She said, "Eww," then stood up and left me there, alone, right at the table. I was taken aback by her reaction, but after thinking on it for a few moments, I realized that it worked out in the best possible way. It was just after we had ordered dinner, so I figured I could box up her meal and bring it home.

After I left though, I found her waiting for me outside the restaurant.

"Okay," she said, "Let's start again. Hi, I'm Emma." She stuck her hand out to me.

"Hi, Emma. I'm Ralph, and I'm going home." I tried to move past her, but she kept up with me and followed me down the sidewalk.

She said, "You're not doing it," she said, "Let's try again: hi, I'm Emma." She held her hand out toward me again, nearly hitting me in the face.

"Not interested, Emma," I said, "Go show the goods to someone else."

"Hi, I'm Emma," she continued, sticking her hand out at me again and again. "Hi, I'm Emma. Hi, I'm Emma. Hi, I'm Emma. Hi, I'm Emma. Hi, I'm Emma."

"Bye, Emma," I said, then entered my car and drove away.

She sent me texts and emails that must have numbered in the hundreds over the next two months. She wanted to start again, she wanted to go out on another date, she wanted to re-re-re-re-re-reintroduce herself to me... I wasn't having it. Finally, she stopped, and I haven't heard from her since then.

4 comments:

  1. LOL, I've met many'a girl hung up on a ex just like this girl.

    I wonder what made her wait for him and insist on giving him another chance, when she made it clear during dinner that he would never be as good as her ex? Is her biological clock ticking THAT loudly? Or did she just need to feel pursued by someone/anyone?

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  2. Actually, I think she was trying to make the *OP* jealous.

    You'd be surprised at how many women I've met who think that the best way to get a guy interested in them is to pretend to be interested in somebody else (then get upset when the guy doesn't get jealous). Women are taught by society that they need to be pursued and that if a guy doesn't pursue them despite various obstacles in his path, that he's not that interested in them. Even feminist magazines like Jezebel often espouse this "make him work for it" philosophy.

    Of course, in real life it seldom works out this way because this behavior causes drama that any sane guy would flee from, but as long as Hollywood propagates the myth that "women need to be romantically pursued", stuff like this will keep on happening.

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  3. Wow, Emma was such a quitter. Studies show it can take up to 6 months to "get" a man by being psychotic or inducing psychosis.

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  4. I wonder if the ex was just made-up. Generally a bodybuilder would have a totally different body type than a triathlete, and it seems unlikely (though I guess not totally impossible) that one person could be both.

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