1/29/2012

It Takes Two to Toga

Story Sent in by Keira:

Arthur and I spoke for a little while online before we met in person. He was a manager at a housewares store, was always brimming with compliments, and he made me laugh a lot. When he asked me out for drinks, it was easy to say yes.

When I arrived for the date, he was already there. He was dressed in a toga, and the only other thing he wore was a large chain with a Penn State medallion on it. Arthur, I should add, was almost 30, and way out of college.

He gave me a warm greeting, and while it was good to finally meet him, I had to ask, "Why a toga?"

He replied, "It's my weekend outfit. It's just comfortable, and just what I wear. Nothing restrictive, letting it all just flab out or flop down. You know, common decency notwithstanding."

I pointed to his medallion. He had previously mentioned going to Kenyon as an undergrad. "You went to Penn State?"

He said, "No, that's just my bling. Want a drink?"

I sat next to him and ordered a Cape Codder. He ordered a Long Island Iced Tea, then another one, and then he was drunk. He developed a rapidly annoying habit of putting his arm around me and talking at full volume into my ear. I pushed away each time, but he couldn't really pick up the hint.

He ran his mouth about, of all things, tapestries: "…and after I visited the Cloisters, I knew that I had to get my own set of tapestries, but they're expensive so then I thought I could make them myself so I bought half of the supplies to make them but turns out you need all of the supplies, not just half, so I…"

I didn't want to be rude, but I definitely became less and less comfortable, and I wanted to leave. Soon enough, though, he made the decision for me. He swung himself around to face me, parted his legs a little bit, and said, "You have perfect thighs. May I mount one? Just for a second."

I stood up and said, "I'm going to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"Okay!" he replied.

I left. He called me three times over the course of the day, I didn't pick up, and that was that.

8 comments:

  1. Was he wearing this "bling" before or after the Penn State scandal? Because it's an entirely different message afterwards.

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  2. Does anyone call BS on these stories? No one would wear a toga in public...NO ONE.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "Think of how stupid the average person is, then realize that half of people are stupider than that." - George Carlin

      Delete
  3. The Penn State bling is a rather sad attempt to identify himself as a party animal.

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  4. When I saw the headline about the toga, I thought this was a gentleman who had some kind of sexy Roman-emperor fantasy he liked to act out with the ladies and I thought, oh, how romantic, (who hasn't fantasized about going back in time to the Roman Empire days and being courted by a Roman emperor?) but after reading further, it seems that this fellow's fantasies were more Bluto Blutarsky than Marcus Aurelius.

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  5. How many of these bad situtations could be avoided by simply going out for a short meet over coffee? No alcohol, no expensive and elaborate dinners with a stranger... just a simple cup of coffee, and a chat for an hour or 2. If the guy is a weirdo, just drink quickly, and head out when finished.

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  6. "You have perfect thighs. May I mount one? Just for a second."

    I love how he's so polite while asking for something so outlandish and inappropriate. I really hope this trend catches on, so we start hearing about dates with comments like "Pardon me, but would it be too much trouble if I pleasured myself while we continue this lovely conversation?" or "Excuse me, my good woman - I'm raptly focused on this date, but would you allow me the honor of smearing mustard on your head and then urinating on you? Naturally, it would be Grey Poupon." "But of course!"

    ReplyDelete

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