12/07/2011

Legitimate Bu$ine$$

Story Sent in by Barry:

Sandra and I were eating out together on our first date when she pulled out a stack of dollar-sized paper and handed a leaf of it to me. It was a black and white, photocopied dollar bill, though heavily doctored so that in George Washington's stead was a photo of Sandra herself, and it had her number and name all over it, but spelled "$andra."

"Thanks," I said, taking it, "What are these?"

"My business cards," she said, "I made them and printed them up myself."

Sandra's business, by the way, was counter help at a pizza place. She said, "I need them to advertise myself."

"To advertise… what about yourself?"

"What do you mean?"

"Business cards usually indicate that you provide a service. Why would someone who finds one of these want to call you?"

She sneered at me. "What the hell is that supposed to mean, 'why would someone want to call me?'" She then grabbed the one she had given me out of my hands and replaced it in the pile.

Trying to keep her calm, I explained, "You give someone a business card, typically, to advertise a service. A lawyer, an accountant, an auto body shop–"

"And you're saying I'm not as good as they are? That I don't deserve a business card?"

So tempted I was to say yes that I had to drink down a large quantity of water before more carefully phrasing my answer. "What I'm saying is that they provide services. Someone calls an accountant when they want to do their taxes. Someone calls an auto body shop if they need work done on a car. If someone calls you, what will they get?"

"Me."

"Yes, and?"

She waved her hands at herself and said, "Here I am! Have a problem with it? Why would someone not want to call me? There are a thousand reasons why."

"Okay," I said, agreeing to end the conversation. It really wasn't worth any sort of angst, but she wasn't done:

"If someone needs an extra hand with something, if someone wants to pay me to cook, to clean, to wash their car, their lawn, their dog, anything! Just call! Sandra will be there!"

"Okay, Sandra, I get it."

She huffed and puffed, "I don't think you do! I have… free… there's places, I have… there's free advertising I can do all over this city."

"What are you talking about?"

Around this time, the waitress showed up and we ordered dinner. After she left, I said to Sandra, "Why didn't you give her one of your business cards? Maybe she could have used a hand with... something."

Sandra said, "Eww. A waitress? I'm not wasting one of these on something disgusting."

It was an awkward dinner, to be sure, and I said a hasty goodnight once we were done eating.

Over the next several days, I found Sandra's business cards literally wallpapering my neighborhood. They were taped onto every fire hydrant, telephone pole, streetlight, and tree, in clumps of five or six together at once. I must have seen hundreds of them on my walk to and from work each day.

Then, one day, they were all gone, all at once. I went to work in the morning, and by late afternoon, on my way home, they were all, each and every one, gone. I guess someone grew tired of seeing her and not having any idea why the hell they would call her in the first place.

12 comments:

  1. And that, kids, is how Jersey Shore is dulling the least sharp tools in the shed. Thanks, MTV!

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  2. Although $andra may not have been the brightest girl, I admire her entrepreneurship. OP, you should have tried to be more considerate and helpful by posting her card visibly in high-traffic areas. (Men's restrooms)

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  3. OP sounds like a bit of an ass. Everyone has a streak of dumbass, the key to relationships is not caring about the unimportant bits of stupid.

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  4. Yeah, sounds like she basically does odd jobs and was genuinely proud of her unusual business card idea, and the OP basically crapped all over it by pretty much declaring her unworthy of even having business cards.

    She did take it poorly, but there's plenty of blame to be directed at the OP too.

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  5. ^ Normally I would totally call out the OP on being a snob (if he doesn't respect this girl, why is he on a date with her) until I read the part where Sandy says ""Eww. A waitress? I'm not wasting one of these on something disgusting." Then I realized I didn't care about either person and would simply mock the easiest target. ;-)

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  6. She probably took them down because she didn't appreciate the type of calls she was getting.

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  7. I didn't think the OP was particularly harsh until I read the comments, but I guess I can agree with that. What I can definitely agree with is the fact that she's pretty dumb, though. If you do odd jobs, put something to that effect on your brilliant business card. Don't just strew the things around and expect people to call you just because they're there. I really couldn't overlook that much stupid if I were around her.

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  8. I don't see why the OP should have coddled her if the dollar bill business cards were pointless. I would have told her it was a stupid idea too, probably because it's a really stupid idea.

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  9. "Eww. A waitress? I'm not wasting one of these on something disgusting."

    That sounds a bit contrived given that later it was plastered all over the neighbour hood. Maybe the OP trying to add some drama and making sure she comes across as an antagonist.

    Anyway, one idiot and a cunt, good thing it didn't work otherwise their kids would be idiotic cunts.

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  10. "Eww. A waitress? I'm not wasting one of these on something disgusting."

    That sounds a bit contrived given that later it was plastered all over the neighbour hood. Maybe the OP trying to add some drama and making sure she comes across as an antagonist.

    Anyway, one idiot and a cunt, good thing it didn't work otherwise their kids would be idiotic cunts.

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  11. I don't agree with the OP hate comments, all he was saying was that business cards display the reason for their existence like "John Johnson: Lawyer 555-******"
    Hers were just her name and number, at least put what you do on them or people will at worst assume you're a prostitute and at best not care to call you after seeing your number on a fire hydrant.

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  12. I have to lean towards the OP's side on this. He was simply describing what business cards were used for and asking what the purpose of her cards were. He was being logical in my opinion. There wasn't any other nicer way to put, other than just giving in and praising her useless cards.

    That being said, she probably got a lot of business. In Las Vegas, hookers have business cards. I can't walk down the strip without stepping on them or seeing them posted all over the place. $andra's business cards even had her picture on it. You only need to pick up your phone and she's there, damn it! That's some customer service! I wish her a prosperous future in prostitution.

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