11/05/2011

You Weren't Shiny Enough

Story Sent in by Ryan:

I met Molly in a martial arts class. She was a new member and chose me for her sparring partner. I counted myself as lucky, because she was extremely attractive and had a terrific laugh. After a couple of classes, I ratcheted up the courage to ask her out on a date.

While we were out at dinner together, she asked me if I had ever dated anyone else from the class. It was a big group, so it was a reasonable question, but I hadn't actually asked out anyone else, and I told her so.

"My ex and I met in a fighting class," she said, "I wonder if it'll become a trend with me. We broke up after he kicked down my door. I locked myself in my apartment after a massive fight, and he came there and smashed the door open. I had to threaten him with a broken bottle to get him to leave."

"That's terrible," I said. "Did he ever give you any more problems?"

She said, "No, and neither will you, since I have about twelve locks on the door now. Not even the fire department could get in if they wanted to."

I said, "I don't think I'd try to break down your door."

She said, "Wait a while. I'll drive you insane."

That was hardly a vote of self-confidence. I said, "How is that supposed to make me feel?"

She shrugged. "I don't know. How do you feel?"

Before I could answer, she stood up, wiped her mouth with her napkin, and said, "I'm done with dinner. Let's go."

We had barely begun to eat, and the check certainly hadn't arrived yet. I said, "You don't want to finish your dinner?"

She leaned over it, took a huge bite out of her sandwich, and plopped it back onto her plate. "Yeah, I'm done. Ready?"

I said, "Can we get the check?"

She patted my shoulder and said, "I'll meet you outside." She left.

I had planned to pay for dinner, but I thought that her assumption that I would was rude. I finished my meal, paid the check, and went outside. She was on her phone.

"I invited some friends," she said, "They're just getting ready."

I said, "I thought this was a date."

She said, "Well, I can't just cancel on them. I've already invited them, silly!"

I replied, "Sure you can. You could just say, 'I'm out on a date. We'll catch up some other time.'"

"You must be a crappy friend," she said, then whispered into her phone, "I'll see you soon!" She hung up and asked me, "We're all going out to make donut spears! You coming?"

"Donut spears?"

She said, "Yeah! We take a stick, catch donuts on it, and then eat the donuts off of it."

"Oh. Uh…"

"It would be supremely awesome if you bought the donuts for us! Being a donut spear newbie and all."

"Why don't we all chip in for the donuts?"

She said, "That sounds like socialism! If you don't buy, then goodbye!"

The conversation had put me in the mood for a donut, but I wasn't about to buy them for anyone else. I said, "Goodbye, then," and left.

I thought that that would be the end of the situation, but Molly followed after me. I glanced back and I saw her dialing into her phone. Once whoever she had called picked up, she said, "You're not going to believe this: that new guy I was telling you about? He's not going to buy us donuts and he threatened to kick down my door… I know, right? So I'm going to stop him. Hang on."

She slipped her phone into her pocket and ran in front of me. I stopped. She said, "I'm going to tell everyone in the class that you physically threatened me if you don't join us to get donuts."

I said, "Go for it. The instructor's a personal friend of mine, and I've known some other people in that class for years. If you make a false claim against me, then you'll suffer a lot more than me. I promise."

I walked away, and this time, she didn't follow. She did call after me, "All over a donut? You're sick, pal. Sick!"

She never showed her face in the martial arts class again after that. Good news for both of us.

12 comments:

  1. Sounds like she decided you were boring - which is unfortunate but acceptable. At that point she decided that she was going to salvage her evening by seeing how much abuse you could put up with - which is NOT acceptable. Good for you for not going along with it.

    BTW, next time you run into a user like that, it's more fun to agree to buy whatever they want, say you'll meet them at their friends house with the donuts/drink/whatever, and then simply not show up. If they call you, say that you're "almost there" and see how long you can string them along. ;-)

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  2. This lady must be really poor to go through all of this trouble just to score some free donuts. Right?

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  3. Nope. She's just an asshole.

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  4. The biggest WTF here (besides the entitled bitch) is that he took a date to dinner at some place where dinner was a SANDWICH?

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  5. ^ You've never been to a place where a sandwich was a dinner item? Practically every menu I've ever seen has hot and cold sandwiches for dinner.

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  6. ^^ Sandwiches for dinner? Woah, this is like some Bizarro-world shit right here. Next these wacky folks will say there's some far-off realm where you can eat breakfast food at other times of the day too! LOL, what craziness!

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  7. SANDWICHES?! FOR DINNER?!!?!

    Jesus, what kind of America am I in?!?! What has this world come to?!

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  8. Shiiiiiiit. MY MIND IS FUCKING BLOWN. And here I thought sandwiches were just something you made at home when you were too cheap or low on food to make a real meal. GODDAMN.

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  9. Wow, Jason derailed this comment stream with just one sentence! Well done sir, bravo.

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  10. I would have bought donus and volunteered my raging boner for ring toss and let her eat the donuts off of that...
    but that would be as far as I would go!

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  11. ^ So you don't mind a little teeth then, eh Howie?

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  12. I prefer the women I date to take out their teeth

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