6/22/2011

Sex, Lies, and Ignorance

Story Sent in by Bob:

I met April online. She and I were sitting down to a light lunch at a sidewalk cafe on our first date. She was talking quite a bit about herself, and I let her do it until she said, "So, tell me about yourself."

I told her a little about my job and my family and my aspirations. Then, as if nothing I said intrigued her, she asked, "Have you met a lot of girls online?"

I replied, "A few."

"How has it gone?"

"Uh, fine, I guess."

"Good. Fuck any of them?"

Without missing a beat, I replied, "One of them. We're friends, now."

She raised her water glass as if to toast and said, "Great." She said no more until after I paid for lunch and sent the check back with the waiter.

"Thanks," she said, "Both for lunch and for being honest about your online sexcapades. That'll make this real easy."

"What will be easy?" I asked.

"The decision to never see you again," she said, "I want the guys I date to be virgins."

I snorted, and she went on, "Don't laugh. Most guys still are. I find that most of them lie about having had sex, just to make themselves sound important. Most women would never have sex with the guys who boast that they have. So you're either a liar or a non-virgin, and I have no place in my happy life for either, so you can just fuck off." She raised her glass as if to toast me again, I stood, wished her a good night, and left.

She wrote me an email the next day, and I've transcribed the best part here:

"I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but you will never find love, the way you've been carrying yourself. Best to abandon your life of sex and lies while you can."

I'll be sure to tell my fiancée.

12 comments:

  1. Someone hasn't been laid in a long, long, long time. Maybe ever.

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  2. "Most guys still are. I find that most of them lie about having had sex, just to make themselves sound important."

    What?!? HOW COULD SHE KNOW?!? Guys, we *need* to discuss this at the next Secret Male Agenda meeting - I think women are catching onto us!

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  3. 'Thats fine, im not into frigid bitches'.

    The reply must have been easy.

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  4. And this is why you never stick your dick in crazy (or let crazy stick its dick in you).

    Good job OP for dodging that bullet.

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  5. I have to choose between "liar" or "non-virgin"? But both are so fun...

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  6. Love how she waited until after you'd paid the check to tell you that she only dates virgins.

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  7. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  8. ^Well if she had to endure an entire date of being near a man who fornicated before marriage, then the least the devil-worshiper could do was pay for the meal.

    Also, I've had virgins and sluts, and as long as they give me orgasms, I don't prefer one over the other.

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  9. If I had my pick of throwing my sausage down a very experienced but wide, loose, gaping hallway, or pitching it down a narrow, tight tight corridor that was very inexperienced, I'd probably go for the slut.

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  10. Hear, Hear...Hear, Hear....hear, hear
    ~ sorry...must be an echo from being too close to the 'very experienced, wide, loose hallway' of a vagina from the slut!

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  11. *sigh* I miss Fizziks. :(

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