Lost in the Male

Story Sent in by Marissa:

Edgar sent me a message online. It was polite and friendly, but I read his profile and decided that he and I probably wouldn't make a good match, and so I didn't write him back.

Over a year later, Richard emailed me a very charming and humorous first message. I checked out his profile, decided that we would have a lot in common, and I replied to his message.

We had a great few weeks of emails and phone conversations. When he asked me out to dinner, I accepted.

He showed up right on time, and we had a great dinner. Afterward, he asked me if I wanted to accompany him to a get-together at his friend, Edgar's house.

The name similarity didn't hit me at the time, and after all, Edgar had emailed me over a year ago.

When we arrived, though, I saw Edgar's face and recognized him. I wasn't sure if he recognized me, and of course, I wasn't about to say anything.

I didn't have to, it turned out, because he did. As soon as he met me, he said, "Hey, I know you from that dating site! Right?"

He asked me that right in front of Richard, and so I replied, "I think you messaged me once, yes. It's nice to meet you."

Edgar said, "You're a real grade-A bitch for not responding to my message, you know that? What the fuck is wrong with you?"

I didn't have a response ready for such a statement, and I expected Richard to intercede, or at least attempt to defuse the situation. Instead, Richard asked me, "Is that true? You never wrote back to him? That's pretty rude."

I asked, "Is this really a big deal? It was over a year ago."

Richard replied, "It is a big deal. What if I wrote you a message one day and you didn't reply? How do you think that would make me feel?"

I said, "That makes no sense at all. I wanted to date you. I didn't want to date him. What's the problem?"

Edgar gasped at that, and Richard said to me, "Maybe we should end this here and now, if that's how you really are."

Without a word, I left and returned home. An email arrived from Richard the next day. It was a backhanded apology, containing the phrase, "Despite your inconsiderate and nasty attitude toward my friend, I still think your worth a chance."

I didn't respond.


  1. Why do I have the strange feeling that the OP was set up. That Edgar and Richard had a plan all along. I know it sounds odd but who remembers emailing someone that long ago and making a fuss out of it. Sounds to me OP definitely made the right choice in not contacting either of them again.

  2. Dogs don't bark at parked cars. Often silence is the most effective form of communication.

  3. When saying "no thanks, I'm not interested" is just too cumbersome, time-consuming and irritating. You've already spent so much of your valuable time crafting that stellar profile and trawling that dating site... you have to reply to messages and stuff too??!!! No thanks, I'll just use the "most effective form of communication" instead.

  4. It DOES seem rather too coincidental. If this was a set-up, then their lives must be pretty empty if they find the need to get their pathetic revenge on someone that failed to answer an email over a YEAR prior.

  5. I can't tell if majorthirdeye is as bitter as the guy in the story, or more bitter than the guy in the story.
    If you can't take getting rejected, even on a dating site - perhaps you need to reevaluate whether you should be dating at all, if you are really that fragile.

  6. My first thought was that it was a set up too.

    I have to say though, when I was on dating sites and wasn't interested in someone (whether they "winked" at me or actually messaged me), I always sent a brief, but polite, response telling them I wasn't interested and good luck to them. It just seemed like the nice thing to do.

  7. Almost definitely a set up. True, most people just don't reply when they're not interested on dating sites, but it's much nicer to actually say something. This is especially true if they stood out enough that you can remember the person a year later!

  8. Anyone who writes "your" when they mean "you're" isn't worth your time anyway. Bullet successfully dodged.

  9. What Joe said.

  10. Why does everyone think this was a setup by the two guys? Come on, guy gets rejected over a year ago. Guy is hurt badly. Suddenly, one year later guy decides to go back to dating site, see the girl who rejected him has her profile up, and enlists his buddy to contact girl and bring him over to her house so he can admonish her and try to humiliate her? Sorry but nothing about this scenario makes any sense. Some of you people have very wacky imaginations, either that or please send me some of the stuff you are smoking. TIA.

  11. Coincidence is possible - since dating normally happens locally, and the two guys may influence each other in their choice of dating site.

    I think answering is polite. Not answering is saying the other person isn't even worth a simple acknowledgment. All you need is a standard cut and paste 'Thanks but no thanks.'

  12. Lol - I love how everyone is saying how answering is polite! Before I met my fiance, I was on a dating site or two and always used to reply if I wasn't interested, until I got this email from one dude absolutely lambasting me for turning him down - apparently the kinder thing to have done would have been to not reply, because then he'd never have known if he'd been turned down or I just didn't get it, and 'it wouldn't have hurt as much'. o_O I long ago deleted my profile, or I'd submit the message here!

  13. The fact that he still held onto this enough to be angry & warrant him calling her a bitch after a year.. ja to me it's like what Baku-chan said about "nice guys" who think you have an obligation to pay attention to 'em, self entitled, possessive assholes.

    I could go either way about whether or not responding is rude/impolite or it's so totally like whatever/not really a big deal, though personally I don't think you have to.

    Way to dodge a bullet & it's stupid friend.

  14. From what I hear from my female friends who used to send out "no thanks" replies, their politeness would be rewarded with a) angry "you don't know me, b*tch" messages, b) messages begging for another chance, or c) messages from clueless guys who think "she replied to my message -- she must like me!"

    Sometimes the better response is no response at all.

  15. When I tried my first dating site, I always wrote back to say I wasn't interested and the exchange NEVER ended with that. The "best" replies were the guys asking me why I wasn't interested or what was wrong with them (Umm...I'm not giving you a point-by-point summary of why I'm not attracted to you.) The worst ones were the typical "ur a ugly bitch anyway" messages.

    And yeah, in my experience, not replying is the better choice.

  16. Another name for Richard is Dick....and he's a large one. Not replying to an online dating email is saying enough. The pussy has to get over it.

    When door to door salesmen come to my house, I could be polite and answer the door...or I could just ignore them...I always choose the latter...I do not use services that solicit my house, so it's best for both of us to ignore him or I"m wasting both our times.

  17. I was on a few dating sites in my day, and I always responded to guys' emails to me when I wasn't interested. This one night I was surfing profiles and found one with the photo of the guy looking like he hadn't bathed, had a hair cut or a shave in quite some time. He wore horrible clothes and he just generally looked gross. He was also 30 years older than me. I clicked on the profile out of curiosity, then moved on without contacting him. I didn't know that that site had a feature where you could see who viewed your profile. The guy sent me a message saying that since I viewed his profile, we should date. I sent him a polite message back that I didn't really want a date but thanks. He sent one back thanking me for responding as nobody ever responds to his messages (I wonder why?) and because I responded I must be interested. I sent him another one back saying he wasn't my type, but thanks for the interest. He sent another one back saying again that since I looked at his profile in the first place, I must be interested in him and we needed to date. I again responded with a polite 'no'. He wrote me back again insisting that I looked at his profile so it must mean something to me, and I never responded.

    If I still had my dating emails (some were hilarious, like the guy who told me not to drink sea water) I'd be flooding this site with them! Makes me wish I had kept them for the entertainment value!

  18. Personally when I date online, I much prefer it when a woman who isn't interested DOESN'T write back. It's not because "it hurts less" - I couldn't give a crap about what a stranger thinks of me, no matter how attractive they are. I've simply a busy person and I don't have the time to waste reading e-mails from people trying to "let me down gently", or interpreting subtext when somebody says that they recently got involved with somebody, but that they'd be willing to "hang out as friends." To me, sending the e-mail seems arrogant since the girl is assuming that her opinion is somehow important enough that random strangers will value it. Like whatever, I thought you were cute and mildly funny but there's plenty of cute and funny women out there, so pardon me if I'm not traumatized by the rejection. You know what I mean?

    Then again, my perspective might be skewed since I'm totally bald, which it seems like 50% of women love and the other 50% hate. So I get a lot of "Oh you seem cool but I'm just not physically attracted" emails in conjunction with "OMG you're hot let's date." That dichotomy sort of forces you not to place too much weight on other people's views of your physical attractiveness.

  19. The whole thing seems like it was a set up. But I couldn't agree with Howie more. Edgar is a puss and his buddy is a Dick.

  20. What Connie said. EVERY polite "no thank you" got me an attempt at a debate to prove that I was wrong about him. Because, you know, personal preferences are "wrong," somehow.

    The most recent hilarity: He wrote me saying that he didn't know what the nbsp was in my profile (no idea what he was on about, no glitch code showing up), but he hoped it didn't ruin his chances. I wrote back to tell him that "& nbsp ;" is a non-breaking space, and I wasn't sure what he was on about because a glance at his profile showed he ran afoul of three of my dealbreakers listed (politely and conversationally, but listed) in my profile, so he of course already knew I wouldn't be interested in dating him, though friendly acquaintanceship was an option. His response was basically, well, he was trying to quit smoking so that shouldn't matter, his kid was my age (yes, really) so that shouldn't matter, and age is just a number so THAT shouldn't matter.

    So I told him he was rude as hell for not respecting my preferences and that I was ending the conversation right here.

    I did think for a minute that he was maybe asking about being friends, since it was obvious to anyone who could read that we weren't compatible as anything else, or I wouldn't have responded at all. Ah well.


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