Bugging Out

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Story Submitted by Herman:

Denise and I had a quick first date, as she had accidentally double-booked herself with a family function. She said, "I'll make it up to you. We can meet up at my place, next time." I liked the sound of that.

She gave me her address, and I parked across the street from her apartment building and rang her buzzer. She let me in and led me to her apartment on the second floor.

As she pulled out her key, she asked, "Do you mind pests?"

I said, "What, like bratty little kids?"

"No, like bugs and rodents. You know. Vermin."

"Oh. Vermin. I can't say I care much for them. Why do you ask?"

She opened the door to her apartment and switched on a light. The entire wooden floor rippled with movement as roaches, ants, and things that looked like fuzzy-bug-half-breeds scattered around, crawling over each other, bumping into walls, and pouring in every direction.

When some of them ran past us, out the apartment door, she said, "Oops. There they go," then took off her shoes, turned to me, and said, "Would you mind removing your shoes? I don't want to dirty up the place."

I said, "Actually, I'd like to keep my shoes on, if that's okay. What with all of the bugs and other surprises crawling around on the floor."

She said, "They're actually very clean animals. Cleaner than most people."

I took another step or two onto something sticky, and said, "I'm keeping my shoes on."

She said, "I'd really prefer it if you took them off. My apartment and everything in it is clean."

"Even the bugs?"

"Especially the bugs, now come in."

I did a quick survey of the area, and saw piles of clothes, plates, take out containers, and a smell that was similar to cat urine. I was out of there.

I said, "I don't really want to, so I'm not going to."

"You're afraid of bugs?"

"No, but I'm allergic to abject filth."

She didn't like that, and gave me a stare. "I'd like you to show me a cleaner apartment than this."

"Bye, Denise." I felt bad, just leaving her there, but she seemed dead set on staying in a place where I would not have wanted to breathe the air, much less sit down.


  1. This has to be a severe exaggeration. There is no way in hell that anyone could live under those conditions without suffering disease and physical damage. If she looked and acted fine, then there is no way that her apartment could be in the state described.

    And on another note, if this WAS the case, why didn't you call anyone? She is obviously a danger to herself and other people in the apartment complex, at the very least the manager of the building should have been informed.

    Unless, of course, she has telepathic control over them and would make them disappear each time she underwent a search.

  2. Yeah, I'm going to agree that this has got to be an exaggeration. I'd like to hear her side of this.

  3. I agree it's got to be exaggerated. I've seen filthy apartments, and sure the tenants don't seem to have any idea just how filthy they are, but neither are they self-delusional enough to think their apartment is *clean*.

  4. My Entirely Fictional Theory:

    She said "pets" and not "pests", she had 3-5 housecats in the apartment, the original poster dropped a few hits of LSD before meeting her.

  5. Actually you'd be surprised what hoarders think are clean and what the neighbors and landlords don't know. Hoarding is a mental disorder and they actually believe their mess is clean. She might also hoard bugs I know that seems strange but did you see the episode where the guy hoardered rats he had over 1500 rats. The OP probably should have called the Board of Health but he was smart to get out of there fast for his sake.

  6. ^ Totally saw that episode! I cried when he talked about his wife's death and when he had to put down those few rats. I also cried when he found his favorite rat. Good episode. Every time I watch "Hoarders: Buried Alive," I always end up cleaning a large section of my apartment.

    Did you see the guy that hoarded rabbits in his rental house?! They literally had to tear down every wall to find them all, and there were STILL bunnies coming out of the woodwork! Cutest infestation ever.

  7. I'll also vote that it's not an exaggeration, or at least not a gross one. My aunt is a building and health inspector, and she's told us about stuff that makes me think this is all too real.

  8. My mother loves to watch that show. Sometimes I watch it with her. The WORST I saw was that woman who kept so many cats that she didn't notice some were dead. They actually found some dead, mummified cats under all of the garbage she had hoarded over the years!

  9. Wow I had never heard of this show. Thanks to all your comments I just spent an hour watching youtube clips of hoarders and another hour cleaning up my room.

  10. Hm... just downloaded the first 5 seasons of How I Met Your Mother. Guess I have to download hoarders next.

  11. HIMYM is awesome! Soooo sad that the season is over already!

    Baku, any of the ones with animals are pretty fierce.

    I need to watch that show today; I have CRAZY amounts of cleaning to do before my Rapture Party tonight. Gotta ascend to Heaven with a tidy place! Next to godliness and all.


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