6/14/2016

A Couple of Nuts

Story Sent in by Sean:

I was having lunch on a first date with Kelly in a restaurant's outdoor seating area. Some squirrels were scampering nearby and I tossed them a bit of my sandwich crust.

Kelly said, "Eww. What are you doing?" She went on to say that squirrels were vermin, that they were basically rats with cute bushy tails, and that she was starting an eradication program against them because (according to her), "They cause more disease and human misery than mosquitoes."

Then she blurted, "You wanna help me? You can taste-test some poisons I'm working on. They only work against squirrels so you don't have to worry."

She was a lawyer, not a poison scientist. So I assured her that I wouldn't be helping her test any poisons. She replied, "You won't help me? But they're vermin! They're evil! They're evil, evil vermin!"

Nope. Sorry. I'm not a poison tester. Maybe find some intern to do it?

She said, "Fine. I'll find someone else to help me. A man. A hot man. A man who'll treat me like I deserve to be treated."

Uh-huh. Okay.

"One who'll marry me and we'll sleep together all the time."

Okay. Sure. Just leave me out of it. The squirrels and I will make our own fun.

"You'll be sorry when my squirrel repellant takes off!"

I was already sorry. Just to annoy her, I tossed the squirrels another bit of my lunch. She gave me a nasty look but didn't say anything more. Given how the population of squirrels has exploded around town of late, it seems to me that she still has her work cut out for her.

10 comments:

  1. "You wanna help me? You can taste-test some poisons I'm working on. They only work against squirrels so you don't have to worry." I'm pretty sure I worked out all the kinks since the death of my last boyfriend.

    "Fine. I'll find someone else to help me. A man. A hot man. A man who'll treat me like I deserve to be treated." One who doesn't weigh that much because moving dead poisoned bodies is hard work!

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  2. If the squirrels have "exploded all over town," then I'd say she's found a pretty effective method... ;-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Damn you, that was good. It's a little early to call this one but I'm gonna do it: Steve FOR THE WIN!

      Delete
  3. I have a gloriously fat squirrel I have dubbed Frank living in the tree outside my window. He greets me every day with a cheerful warning growl and a thrown acorn. Once he gave me the honor of a bite to my ankle, the little joker.


    Frank is an asshole.


    That said, he's the cutest little asshole in town and I'd hate to see his chubby jerk face go.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. When did you meet Frank!?

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    2. You don't remember that time I came over for comment secks? Frank was watching us through the window while we did it on a bed of trash? Twice? Wow, I must have been really bad if you don't even remember.

      Delete
    3. Sorry Steve, but ARCHY actually went to the trouble of taking me out to comment dinner.

      Delete

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