3/21/2016

This Wine Glass Smell off to You?

Story Sent in by Jacqueline:

When Gary and I went out to dinner and ordered wine, he asked for his to be served in a coffee mug. When the waitress went to accommodate his request I asked him, "Why a mug?"

He said, "A mug is like comfort food. A mug is a man's best friend. It's small, portable, and durable. When you need a drink, a urinal, or a toilet, it does everything you need. I mean, you need to wash it between uses but it just always makes me feel better to have one nearby."

"Okay," I said. I was anxious to not talk about mugs as toilets anymore.

But you know what? Gary went on, "I've had to use a mug as a toilet twice. Once when my car broke down in Washington state. Another time when I was out camping. You gotta go, you gotta go, you know?"

"All right," I said. Then I looked around the restaurant and did my best to change the subject. "I've never been here before but it seems really nice. Have you tried their seafood?"

He said, "Yeah, crapping in a mug is all right, but I'd avoid it if you can. I mean, forget there being enough room, although clean-up is easier than you'd think."

The waitress returned with our wine. She poured mine in a glass and Gary's in a mug. As she did, Gary pointed at the mug and said to me, "Like this one, here. It's too small."

The waitress said, "Do you want a bigger one?"

Gary said, "Oh, no. We were just talking about something else. Carry on."

The waitress finished pouring and left. Gary held up his mug and inspected it. "Yeah. Too small to be of any real value. But maybe for a kid, if you can get them to sit still and position themselves–"

"Stop talking about it! Just shut up!" I said.

He looked at me like he had been talking about the weather. "W-what's wrong? I was just making conversation."

"Make conversation about something else."

He pressed, "I was just talking about being smart in the face of adversity. If you've ever had to crap in a mug, you'd know–"

"Shut up! Can you shut the mouth about it?"

He gave me a searching stare, like an ape trying to figure out a graphing calculator. Should I hit some buttons? Should I hammer stuff with it? Should I crap on it? Gee, what would be appropriate here? He finally stammered, "I, uh, well, okay. Sure. If it's a really sore subject. I had no idea that it was such a sore subject with you. Jesus."

I sipped down a little more than half my wine (there wasn't a lot in the glass), reached into my purse, pulled out enough to cover my drink, and said, "It was nice meeting you," and I booked it way the hell out of there.

15 comments:

  1. General confusion of reading body language. Not the worst offense. Way worse dates to be had.

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    Replies
    1. You were Gary, weren't you?

      Delete
  2. "He pressed, "I was just talking about being smart in the face of adversity. If you've ever had to crap in a mug, you'd know–""

    If he was reeeeeeally smart, he would have crapped in the grass or in a bush. Like there's plenty of them in camping. And along the roads in Washington State.

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    Replies
    1. I second this.

      Crap in the grass, crap on the side of the road, crap in the bushes, crap in some poison oak, I don't care! But This MAN is a terror to mugs all over the world!

      Delete
  3. *looks at fresh mug of coffee in my hand*
    Well damn it...I've been under utilizing these for years.

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  4. Speaking strictly from a wine drinking perspective, you could probably get a more generous pour if you were using a mug. The wait staff wouldn't be able to see exactly how full it was and the difference in shape/volume might throw them off, so good thinking Gary. Now, as to shitting in a mug....what a freaking stupid idea. Even if you couldn't use the bushes because you are arctic camping or something, how about a bag? Ziplock? Walmart shopping bag? Anything other than something you were going to drink out of later.

    @ JMG - This is what your title made me think of.

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  5. Pro tip: Bodily functions is *never* a good topic to discuss on a first date.

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  6. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    Replies
    1. Was the event some kind of mug-crapping class? (What is the sound of one mug crapping? Now, what is the sound of a whole bunch of New Yorkers crapping in mugs?)

      Delete
  7. Yes it was a strange topic of conversation and the guy is obviously a weirdo but am I the only one thinking OP didn't exactly handle it well either? She went straight from not saying anything about it to yelling at him. I can understand why he gave her that look.

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    Replies
    1. Sometimes you get pushed to your breaking point and can't help it.

      Delete

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