5/15/2014

Putting the Lame in Flame

Story Sent in by Jerry:

Laura was a college friend to whom I was irresistibly attracted. She was into me just as a friend, at first, but after a good amount of persistence on my part, she agreed to a date. And wouldn't you know it, she had a good time. So two dates later, I wound up in her dorm room. Jackpot, I thought.

We watched a movie together on her bed, but while I tried to nudge closer to her, she kept nudging away. Finally, she rolled off the bed and crawled under it.

At first I was concerned. "Are you okay?" I asked.

"I'm fine," she said, "Just playing. Errrgh... mmmmf..."

I wasn't sure why we couldn't play atop the bed, but I followed her down to the floor and discovered the unfortunate fact that she was stuck under the bed. Somehow, her head and chest were wedged between the mattress and the floor. She screamed and thrashed, which seemed to only make it worse.

Clicking into hero mode, I jumped up from the floor and picked up her bed, smashing over her lamp in the process. It crashed to the floor and shattered. That in and of itself might have been only slightly problematic, but she also had candles lit and the lamp, in its fall, took them out, too. One of them remained lit on the floor and caught on the carpet.

Laura screamed and pointed. I ran out of the room to the hall, where there was a fire extinguisher. But before I could return to her room, she had slammed and locked the door.

"Laura!" I yelled, banging on the door, "I have an extinguisher! Open up!"

The screaming abruptly stopped. A few of Laura's dorm-mates, who I didn't know, came out to the hallway to see what was going on. I knocked a bit more and called for her, but there was only silence on the other side. I waited around a few minutes, didn't smell burning flesh, and so I replaced the extinguisher and went home.

She didn't reply to any of my subsequent messages and when I saw her thereafter (I was genuinely relieved that she wasn't dead), she'd scamper away like a mouse from a cat.

12 comments:

  1. "But while I tried to nudge closer to her, she kept nudging away." Can't take a hint.

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  2. @Jaye-agree. That and "after a good amount of persistence on my part, she agreed to a date".

    If a girl or guy says no to a date more than twice, move on.

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  3. Tammy: unless you're Rocky Balboa. http://www.tcm.com/mediaroom/video/224519/Rocky-Movie-Clip-Cold-Night.html

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  4. I'd love to hear Laura's side of this story.

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  5. "...I wound up in her dorm room. Jackpot, I thought."

    Okay Mr Wannabe Sex Offender, you might want to cool it with women who you are "irresistibly attracted" who clearly don't like you back. Laura's side of the story would be A Bad Case of the (attempted) Rapes. She went under her bed to get away from you, then you set her room on fire.

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  6. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  7. This story just begs for a rebuttal.

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  8. No sympathy; "persistence" is the second worst way to get a date. (The worst is a felony.)

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  9. Clicking into hero mode, I jumped up from the floor and picked up her bed, smashing over her lamp in the process. It crashed to the floor and shattered. That in and of itself might have been only slightly problematic, but she also had candles lit and the lamp, in its fall, took them out, too. One of them remained lit on the floor and caught on the carpet.

    Your "hero mode" looks an awful lot like other people's "psychotic maniac" mode. You DO realize that you were the terrible date here, right?

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  10. I don't think he does, wolfie. I don't think he does.

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  11. Insert joke here about how I club men over the head and drag them back to my laire. :-D

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  12. I'm guessing you probably could have walked to the other side of the bed and put your foot on the candle flame to put it out instead of crashing out of the room looking for a fire extinguisher. Although that could have been avoided by lifting the bed just enough for her to get herself out, instead of throwing it completely up on it's side knocking over things.

    I agree, she was trying to get away from you.

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