3/24/2014

Along Came a Spider

Story Sent in by Connie:

Spiders scare me. Before we met, I told Paul that I didn't much care for them. So what did he do when we were out to lunch?

"Close your eyes," he told me. Trusting him, I did.

A moment later, he said, "Open them." I did.

On my plate, right on top of my food, was a giant rubber spider, like the kind people decorate with at Halloween. It had comical goggly eyes that looked more adorable than frightening. I was far less scared of the toy than I was upset that he'd put something of questionable cleanliness atop my lunch.

I looked from my food to him. He looked positively menacing, like he really expected me to hit the roof in fright.

I asked him, "Um... could you take that off my food, please?"

He asked, "Are you scared?"

"No."

He sighed, picked up the spider, and put it into his pocket. I asked him, "Why would you do that? You know I don't like spiders."

He said, "Because I wanted to–oh my God! Look behind you!" He pointed his finger and looked aghast. "It's a giant spider! Ten feet... long!"

I barely raised an eyebrow. "Could you stop?" I asked him, "Why are you trying to scare me?"

He said, "I think you'd look cute when you're scared."

No more dates for that man.

13 comments:

  1. In Paul's defense, the only times he ever gets laid are after he breaks into a woman's house. You'd associate terror on someone's face with cuteness, too, jeesh y'all.

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  2. I know it wasn't a glass spider, but was it a spider from Mars? Seriously, team OP. Paul knew Connie's dislike of spiders, and he totally ignored it, thereby acting like a selfish oaf and an @$$hat, so, arrividerci, Paolo

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  3. Amateur, PetSmart sells tarantulas all day long for like $10. If you want the O (my freaking god) face, you got to do the work and go all out.

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  4. @Archie - solid advice, this is why you're such great wingman material

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  5. From one arachophobic Connie to another: never reveal your weakness to somebody you don't know. People are jerks hahaha

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  6. Oh and Fizziks, I know better than to click that link. I can only imagine....

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  7. Given the percentage of people who think they're doing you a favor by rubbing your phobias in your face, to the point where they actually get offended if you don't like it, I have to second Connie above. Never reveal your weaknesses unless you trust the person to guard your back.


    PS: If this was the first date, how did he know she'd look cute when she was scared?

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  8. Dating tip #1313: Using people's phobias to get a reaction on a date is not an endearing quality. It actually makes you look like a jerk.

    Seriously what did this guy expect? It could have turned out so much worse! Imagine if the OP's phobia was really extreme and flipped out at any kind of spider, real or not. You think making a scene and scaring your date half to death is a fun idea?

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  9. You have all completely underestimated shrewd Paul. He cleverly find out a girls weakness prior to meeting them then exploits that information to protect his virginity. Clearly a very minor player in the war on EVS.

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  10. @ Fizziks - Best. Link. EVAH!

    @ Try - Don't forget our march on EVS planned for next Tuesday!

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  11. I do have to defend the date a little. I think OP just interpreted it as a mean-spirited gesture. The chances are that he thought he was being playful or funny. I don't get the impression that he was trying to get it over her fear or that he was actually trying to be mean.

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  12. Well, he admitted he was actually trying to scare her, so that plants him deep in "asshole" territory. I suppose it's possible to try to scare someone without feeling mean-spirited, but the scaree is pretty much never going to appreciate it, so at best you're just not thinking.

    He's not as bad as the guy from the one where she was afraid of dogs though. I was actually expecting something on that level when I read this one and was disappointed.

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  13. Hahaha that was the date story where I switched from "babyforrest" to "Connie". Ahhhh memories....

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