Bugging Out

Story Sent in by Dave:

Carla and I had been on two dates when she called me in a panic around noon on a Sunday. Apparently, a huge bug was inside her kitchen and no one else was home and she wanted it gone and didn't know who else to call.

I had never been to her house. When I arrived, she ushered me into the kitchen and pointed to a blank space on the wall near the toaster. "That's where I saw it last," she said.

I checked behind the toaster, inside the cupboards, around every appliance, in the sink–

BAM! BAM! Something blunt smashed twice against my upper right back. I collapsed to the floor and looked up to see Carla's contorted face. She held a wok in both hands and looked as if she was ready to smash me again. I could barely stammer out any words.

She said, "I saw it on your back. I think."

"Did you or didn't you?" I demanded hotly.

She said, "You don't have to get angry about it!" then burst into tears, threw the wok down, and fled.

I checked my shirt and the area around my back. There was no sign of any bug. I did once more look around the kitchen, but whatever it was had likely hidden someplace way out of sight.

I found what I guessed was Carla's bedroom door. It was closed. I knocked on it and called for her, hoping to forgive her and talk it out. No answer, and the door was locked. I told her to call me whenever she calmed down and then I left her house.

I guess she never calmed down.


  1. OP, you are the stupidest guy ever. Did you not see Misery? When a woman takes a frying pan (or wok) to your ass, it's time to go, bug or no bug. How did this girl even go outside? That place is crawling with bugs!

  2. I would have said "OMG, a huge bug just crawled under your bedroom door!!!"

    And then sat back and watched the show...

  3. If only OP had thought to engage the help of a charming and righteous lady lawyer to hit this gal up with a reckless endangerment suit. Then he may have eventually won her lawyer heart with his do-gooding ways and become the bestest boyfriend ever!! Instead of nursing your ribs alone you good be knee-deep in lawyer poop intimacy.

  4. Ugh..I hate chicks like this. I hate bugs too but women can spray a can of Raid or squish a bug just as effectively as a man. Unless a bug, spider, roach or rodent has mutated and is ten times its original size and has learned to wield a knife, grow a set and kill it yourself.

    On the plus side, at least the OP didn't get locked in a closet.

  5. That bug ate her, man. Way to be a hero.

  6. I would have taken the wok and then smacked her with it and said sorry the bug was on you.

  7. I think a rebuttal is in order here. Dave strikes me as the type of guy that would air his balls on the drive over and forget to tuck them back in on arrival. Carla's response would then be completely justified.

  8. @TN2F - sure, if his balls are on his trapezius.

    I'm just sad to see my go-to get lucky moved used as the flimsy basis of an assault. I can't tell you how often I've blubbered into the phone at some scrote I just met, and he runs over to my trailer on a self-made mountain of KFC buckets as I release an insect into my chasm as said, "Now go get it!"

    Three percent of the time it works every time.

  9. It's obvious Fizziks is a very unclassy and non-degree
    holding lass.

    I cleverly tricked my very perfect
    current fiancé Art Vandelay over to my house by
    telling him that my new, state of the art electric
    wine chiller was on the fritz. He came over, saw it
    was working perfectly and we had a good laugh
    over some perfectly chilled white wine spritzers.
    He later told me he went home and practiced auto
    erotic asphyxiation while watching tranny porn but
    was thinking of me the whole time! That's when
    you know it's true love ladies! Perfect Relationship!!! YAY!!!!11

  10. @ Devil - I've got plenty o' class. I'm just missing the C and the L.

  11. I know I say it over and over again, but I adore y'all. And OP, dude, she was tryna kill you, man. Have you not seen Snapped?


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