2/17/2013

Truth Can Wait. I'm Hungry.

Story Sent in by Cathleen:

About 15 years ago, I was on a first date with Joe, and he showed up with what can only be described as a wall of hair, streaming up from his head, like he had teased it straight out, or was permanently frightened. It didn't help that he had bug-out, Steve Buscemi eyes and never, ever smiled.

He checked his watch right when we met and said, "It's seven o'clock. Time for our date."

We sat down together at a restaurant, and when we ordered our drinks and they arrived at the table, he wouldn't start on his until 7:10 on the nose, and when it turned 7:10, he said, "It's now 7:10. I may drink."

I asked him, "Why do you do that? Have everything timed down to the minute?"

He said, "Because I've noticed that quality of life goes up with predictability. I will not indulge in dinner until 7:30."

"What if dinner comes before 7:30?"

He said, "Then I will wait. It will taste all the better if I know precisely when it will grace my mouth."

True to his word, he didn't start on his dinner until 7:30, and we ate in silence. I tried talking to him once or twice, but he either ignored my overtures or parried them off.

When dinner was almost over, he put his fork down, sat back, and pointed to his hair. "This happened because of something I want to show you. Will you join me, after dinner?"

"Join you where?"

He said, "Come with me to the forest. At 8:30, there's an event that I'd like to show you."

We were in the middle of a sizable city, and I didn't know of any conveniently located forests. I asked him, "You want me to come with you to a forest?"

He clasped my hand and said, "You've never tasted honey so sweet. Come with me. I assure you, you won't be disappointed."

"What are you talking about?"

He dropped my hand and said, "Never mind," then checked his ever-trusty watch. "Oh. It is 7:46. At precisely 7:50, I must depart for the forest. Will you come with me? This is your last chance."

Again, I asked him, "What are you talking about?"

He asked the waitress for the check, paid it, then stood and said, "Follow me, if you dare to know the truth."

He left. To this day, I wonder if I missed out on the answer to some major cosmic mystery. Not really.

5 comments:

  1. "You've never tasted honey so sweet. Come with me. I assure you, you won't be disappointed."

    Rape & Murder. In a timely fashion.

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  2. Isn't this a reference to that movie where some guy tells a woman that his semen is hair gel and she uses it in her hair?

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  3. The watch checking was definitely him prepping his alibi after they found your dismembered and raped corpse in the "forest".

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  4. Methinks the OP dodged a bullet

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  5. I have a hard time believing such a detailed account of a date 15 years ago. That's a lot of time for imagination to change things.

    ReplyDelete

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