4/23/2012

Wiffleheads

Story Sent in by Ellen:

Original Art by Craig Boldman - www.craigboldman.com
Keith and I met online, and I was excited at how big of a St. Louis Cardinals fan he was. Like me, he said he was a season ticket holder, and he bore an encyclopedic knowledge of everything Cardinals-related. Long emails were sent back and forth, and when he asked me to join him at a game, I immediately said yes.

He picked me up at my apartment and drove us toward Busch Stadium. When it was within sight, he made a confusing set of turns, and headed away from the game. I asked him, "Where are we going?"

He replied, "Quick pit stop. I want to get us some game gear."

Twenty minutes later, he parked us in the lot of a Toys R Us. As we headed inside, I told him, "We're going to miss the first innings."

He ignored that and led me to the sporting goods aisle. Once there, he found a wiffle ball set, then broke it open, right there, and set it up. "Play ball!" he yelled, and smashed the ball and tee right over, in the aisle. He threw the bat up into the air, and it hit the ceiling. He clapped, yelled, "Woo! Play ball!" and ran around the aisle as if he was running the bases.

Two sales associates came running over and one of them said, "Sir, you're going to have to leave."

He ran over to where the plastic bat had landed, then picked it up and screamed, "Play ball!" one more time, before smashing it three times into various toy boxes (doing more damage to the bat than the boxes themselves) and shoving past all of us, out of the store.

I was, in a word, horrified. The same associate who had told him to leave asked me, "Are you with him?"

"No," I replied, then hurried to another aisle and called a friend, who was able to pick me up about an hour later.

I didn't hear from Keith again after that, and I'm glad for it. I was ready to use his head as a wiffle ball.

13 comments:

  1. Aww, man, the illustrations are back. :(

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  2. Sorry to say, but, to him, you stuck out in the looks department and he didn't want to spend an entire day with ya!

    I like the illustrations!

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  3. This illustration is tasteful.

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  4. Obviously she "Struck Out" (FTFY HOWIE) in the looks department as Howie says, and he did the insane bit rather than suffering through the date.

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  5. Thanks Joshua!!...'stuck' out really changes my comment didn't it?

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  6. Whatever the reason, she was well free of the dickhead.

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  7. Why is it that every time a guy acts really weird on a date people always assume it's because he thought his date was unattractive?

    I mean, really? Who thinks terrorizing a Toys R Us, an act that could very well carry criminal charges, is better than spending an afternoon with someone or just going "Oh no my granny's sick! Gotta run!"?

    And on top of that, what dating site doesn't include profile pictures these days? Are you accusing the OP of misrepresenting herself?

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    Replies
    1. It goes for both guys and girls....

      If you act out, it puts the onus on the other person to end the date because a) the guy doesn't have the nuts to do it OR b) the girl doesn't have the fallopian to do it.

      Oh, picture profiles LIE.
      I've met girls online who had a photo that was either photoshopped; old or the best-most-lucky-angled shot eveverrrrr that made her look good. In person. Puke.

      Delete
    2. I agree with 5194's very logical point.

      Also, I hate the art and it drives me into fits of tasteful rage.

      Delete
    3. So you don't have the courage to say "I'm sorry, this isn't working for me" or, you know, just make up a lie and leave BUT you do have the nuts or fallopian or whatever to make an ass out of yourself in public?

      What kind of sense does that make?

      None. It makes no sense and people should stop acting like it does.

      Delete
  8. The lady should've played soccer in return and kicked him in his balls and then ran around the aisles shouting "gooooaaaalllll". Its never civil to treat a person, however unattractive, in an insulting manner to get out of a date. Be honest and put your reaction in a clear but polite manner. And then if the girl / guy flips out, you have every right to do a crazy act right there.

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  9. Toys R Us has a sporting goods section?

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  10. Well, it's cool that you're a Cardinals fan. Go Cards! :)

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