2/07/2012

Ahead of Yourself

Story Sent in by Alice:

Lamar, in one of his online messages to me, wrote, "In all of your pictures, your head looks kind of small. Is that just a trick of the photos or is it really that tiny?"

By this point, Lamar and I had established enough of a rapport for me to take his comment with a sense of humor. I replied, "I assure you, my head is regulation-sized. No one has ever been put off by it."

In person, though, Lamar was definitely put off by it. His first words to me, in a public park, were, "Oh my God. Your head is so tiny."

I gave him a funny look and said, "Hi, Lamar. It's nice to meet you."

"I just can't get over how small your head is," he went on, "I bet I could fit it all inside my mouth, if I tried. Can I?"

Before I could answer, he opened wide and went for my head. I jumped away and said, "You know, I'd prefer if you didn't."

"I really want to try it, though. Just for fun."

"My head is fine. Cut it out."

"It isn't, though. It's too small."

I gave him a dark look, but was ready to bolt if he tried something else. "Is this going to be a big deal for you? I'd like to know now."

He straightened up and said, "No. I'm sorry. I just think you're adorable. That's all. You have the head of a three-year-old on an elephant's body."

My mouth hit the ground. He jumped right in with a hand wave and a quick, "That doesn't mean that you're as large as an elephant! Oh no. I mean just relatively speaking, size-wise. Your body is fine but if it was the size of an elephant–"

I put up my own hands in surrender. "You know what? Never mind, Lamar. I'm going home. You're obviously a dick."

Then it was his turn to take the offensive. "Me? A dick? Me? You're not even listening to me, and all of a sudden, I'm a dick? Me? All of a sudden? All of a sudden?"

I stepped back again and said, "Yeah. Okay, I've got to go. Don't follow me," and I left him standing there.

I heard him laugh, and he yelled after me, "Come on! I was just kidding! I know I could fit your head in my mouth!"

Without turning around, I screamed back, "How about my fist?" He didn't have a response to that, although I kept glancing behind myself to make sure that he wasn't following.

That night, out at a diner with a friend, I told her all about the date and asked her if she thought that my head was small.

"No," she said, "In fact I've always thought it freakishly large."

Oh well.

10 comments:

  1. All that for that lame punchline?

    ReplyDelete
  2. In real life, not all punchlines are perfect. For the situation, this was a slam dunk.

    ReplyDelete
  3. At the risk of sounding mean, allow me to translate this story for you.

    "In all of your pictures, your head looks kind of small. Is that just a trick of the photos or is it really that tiny?"
    TRANSLATION
    "Your body looks like it might be fat. Are you actually just using 3/4th downwards camera angles to make yourself seem thinner than you really are?"

    "I assure you, my head is regulation-sized. No one has ever been put off by it."
    TRANSLATION
    "My body is average-sized, not fat at all."

    "Oh my God. Your head is so tiny."
    TRANSLATION
    "Oh my God. You're so fat."

    "Hi, Lamar. It's nice to meet you."
    TRANSLATION
    "Fuck you."

    "I just can't get over how small your head is. I bet I could fit it all inside my mouth, if I tried. Can I?"
    TRANSLATION
    "I just can't get over how fat you are. It's freakish, don't you think?"

    "Is this going to be a big deal for you? I'd like to know now."
    TRANSLATION
    "Do you want some big booty for your loving pleasure or not? Cause if you're going to insult me, I'm just walking away."

    "No. I'm sorry. I just think you're adorable. That's all. You have the head of a three-year-old on an elephant's body."
    TRANSLATION
    "No, I'm sorry. I'm actually into fat girls. I'm just amazed by HOW fat you are. You have the head of a three-year-old on an elephant's body."

    "That doesn't mean that you're as large as an elephant! Oh no. I mean just relatively speaking, size-wise. Your body is fine but if it was the size of an elephant–"
    TRANSLATION
    "Oh shit! That came out wrong. Shit, I hope I didn't blow my chances of getting some cushion for the pushing."

    "You know what? Never mind, Lamar. I'm going home. You're obviously a dick."
    TRANSLATION
    "You know what? Never mind, Lamar. I'm going home. You're obviously a dick."

    "Me? A dick? Me? You're not even listening to me, and all of a sudden, I'm a dick? Me? All of a sudden? All of a sudden?"
    TRANSLATION
    "No! Crap! No, wait, you're not listening! I *want* the fat booty! I want all of it!"

    That night, out at a diner with a friend, I told her all about the date and asked her if she thought that my head was small.
    TRANSLATION
    That night, out at a diner with a friend, I told her all about the date and asked her if she thought that I was fat.

    "No," she said, "In fact I've always thought it freakishly large."
    TRANSLATION
    "No," she said, "In fact you're very slender, relatively speaking."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I approve of this time-consuming comment.

      Delete
    2. Thumbs up. Very accurate.

      Delete
    3. This was a beautiful translation. Suspect it would have been somewhat shorter a few years ago when "fat bitch" was in fashion :)

      Delete
  4. Can we at least give a kudos to someone who got while the getting was good, instead of waiting until after the date to tell him off?

    ReplyDelete
  5. I agree with DR, this girl had a good stand and some balls, she figured out soon enough he was a lame jerk and left him and had dinner with her girlfriend instead. Win for girls not deciding to give jerks and losers the time of day :)

    ReplyDelete
  6. You get mad at him for calling your head small but you don't get mad at your friend for calling your head not only large but freakishly large?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. She specifically asked the friend, someone she knows and is comfortable with, for an opinion on her head.
      The other guy was a stranger insulting her repeatedly for no reason.

      Delete

Content Policy

A Bad Case of the Dates reserves the right to publish or not publish any submitted content at any time, and by submitting content to A Bad Case of the Dates, you retain original copyright, but are granting us the right to post, edit, and/or republish your content forever and in any media throughout the universe. If Zeta Reticulans come down from their home planet to harvest bad dating stories, you could become an intergalactic megastar. Go you!

A Bad Case of the Dates is not responsible for user comments. We also reserve the right to delete any comments at any time and for any reason. We're hoping to not have to, though.

Aching to reach us? abadcaseofthedates at gmail dot com.