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12/27/2011

Brain on My Parade

Email Sent in by Jennifer:

Hello Jennie:

I appreciate your message but I must disagree with you on several fronts:

First its brevity:

"Hey Lyle, I had a nice time with you but I think we're looking for different things and that anything more than a platonic relationship wouldn't work out between us. Sorry, but good luck out there!"

Well hello gutter trash! I think that a night of laughter and joy and emotional orgasms such as the one we experienced together (it was not a night: it was an experience) and joy is worth more than a mere 35-word response! But who's counting!

If you had a nice time during our shared experience then why would you throw a monkey wrench into the proverbial machinery works, thereby stopping the machinery from continuing to work in its intended task? I also think that you misuse the word "platonic." As well as the word "sorry." Have you been properly educated? I have gone to three schools, over ten years of post-secondary education (onto tertiary and quaternary, quinary education) and have not ever seen those words used the way you have used them. Perhaps you can explain what your intended use was? For I cannot grasp what you suppose they mean based on your context.

It is too late to bemoan a relationship (or lack thereof) between us. Like a born child, it is here. It exists. No manner of stuffing it back into the void uterus will unmake it. We only have this experience to share, but bury it like a seed and I promise you it will blossom forth like an oak.

Good luck, is it? And where precisely is "out there"? I need you to tell me that if you wish me good luck wherever out there is, then where, may I ask, do you wish me bad luck? You clearly imply that you wish me bad luck somewhere else, wherever "out there" isn't. Is "out there" anywhere that isn't where you are? Is it wherever I am not? I need further clarification.

If you could explain your reasoning, to start, then I think we will have a basis to understand your problems processing this experience for what it is, and we can then move forward. Together.

Yours in hope and companionably,
Lyle

PS: You may have noticed that I did not mention your phrase, "different things." This is for a myriad of reasons, primarily that it is one of the few parts of your message with which I actually agree. We can be looking for "different things" but still be looking for the same one true thing. You know what I mean. If not, I would be glad to illuminate you, perhaps during our next experience.

15 comments:

That's 36 words there, champ.

Other favorite part: when he takes the time to explain what happens when a monkey wrench is thrown into machinery.

It's "for myriad reasons," fool.

"Congratulations, you're officially an asshole. I won't respond to further communication from you, so please don't bother.

P.S.: I rescind my wishes for good luck."

Oh my GOSH I hate guys who act like this! It's so condescending. >:(

This email must have originated from the inbox of one Julian Assange.

Love it though.

This email must have originated from the inbox of one Julian Assange.

Love it though.

The correct response to this butthurt-laden email:

u mad bro?

Trollface picture optional.

Holy shit. This is the most romantic thing I have ever read.

+1 to Rawr. My feathery heroine.

It's like he expects her to be completely blown over by his response and bow to his superiority.

Jesus. Christ.

They could build a shrine to his butthurtedness.

"If you had a nice time during our shared experience then why would you throw a monkey wrench into the proverbial machinery works, thereby stopping the machinery from continuing to work in its intended task?"

Because it's a polite way of saying she's not interested in you and your pretentious over-intellectualized crybaby pouting.

Someone's been mistaking that show "The Big Bang Theory" for a documentary.

Churro, even SHELDON could grasp the concept of "Hey, I don't think this would work out. Have a nice life." And if he couldn't, then one of his friends certainly would. (I'm sure they've gotten similar brush-offs, although maybe not as nice as Jennifer's.)

What I'd really like to know, though, is whether or not Jennifer goes by "Jennie," or if that's a nickname Captain Butthurt made up for her?

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