8/03/2011

Good Thing He's Not a Nurse

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Story Sent in by Blanche:

Chad and I met online. I was out with him on our first date, talking over dinner, when he bit his lower lip so hard that it bled.

"Oh my God," I began, "Are you okay?"

He blinked and looked at me as if nothing was at all out of sorts. "Yeah. Why?"

"Your lip," I pointed it out to him, and his hand went to it. When he looked at his fingers and saw the blood, he stood up and excused himself from the table.

When he returned, he had tied several layers of toilet paper around his head so that they completely covered his lower face. He looked about as ridiculous as you're imagining.

I said, "You probably just needed one little clump to hold against your lip, no?"

His voice muffled through the toilet paper, he replied, "I need both hands to finish my sandwich."

I asked, "But how are you going to eat it with your mouth covered up?"

In answer, he picked up his sandwich and jammed it into his maw, tearing the toilet paper so that flecks and bits of it slid into his mouth, down his shirt, and onto the table. The rest of it fell about his shoulders. His lip still bled as he chewed the mammoth bite of sandwich he had just engulfed.

"Your lip is still bleeding," I said.

He licked his fingers, then stood up and left the table again. When he came back, he wore a band-aid that covered his cut, stretched from his chin to the inside of his mouth. The end attached to his chin adhered to his skin, but the end in his mouth, having nothing but wet-inner-mouth to stick to, flopped around as he spoke:

"All better?"

I replied, "I don't think that'll do much for you. It's not even really attached."

"Well, what would you do?"

I replied, "Take a clump of tissue or paper towel and hold it to the cut until it clotted."

He said, "That could take a long time."

"If you started now, it might stop bleeding by the time we're done with dinner."

He cleared his throat loudly and said, "I don't have that kind of time." He then flagged down a waiter and asked for our check. Without anther word to me, he put down two twenties (the check had come to $25), then stood up and left as if he was in a huge hurry to go someplace else. Last time I ever saw or heard from him.

7 comments:

  1. The bleeding made him feel dizzy and the low blood pressure impaired his thinking. He probably went home to lie down.

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  2. Seems to me he may have had doing that in mind even before going on the date, otherwise why would he have just happened to have had a band-aid with him? (Of course I'm not sure exactly what he hoped to gain from it. Maybe just to see how she would react?)

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  3. ^ Maybe he expected an 'oh, you poor thing! You're so cute and helpless! Let me care for you!' reaction. Instead, he got the reaction that behaviour actually deserved.

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  4. I kinda feel sorry for this dude. Had an embarassing accident that wasn't really his fault, tried to recover, panicked, handled it very poorly, date over.

    There's nothing the OP necessarily should have done differently, but still, sucks to be him. Probably the most embarassing incident of his whole life.

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  5. Not an accident at all, Andrew. When you've been reading the site as long as some of us have, you know that this is a ruse to get out of a bad date early. Dude didn't like what he saw/heard, and rather than be an adult about it, he actually went so far as to mutilate/embarrass himself to leave that Fat Bitch there, wondering wtf just happened.

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  6. ^ Agree. Which is sad, because she sounds like a very nice person, but we all have to be attracted to the person we wake up next to. :-\

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  7. Damn. After reading the last few comments, I'm starting to get depressed. Well, if my fat ass doesn't go out on any dates, at least I won't go out on any bad ones.

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