5/21/2011

The End of the World

Story Submitted by Tommy:

I met Liz on a Christian dating site.  I'm not really practicing, and it wasn't the only dating site that I was using at the time.  I just wanted to have irons in a few fires.

Liz came across as smart and funny.  She was a petite brunette who was a member of a baseball league.  I sent her a message, she responded, and she seemed normal enough to ask out on a date.

We met up one night for dinner after she had played a ballgame.  Her mood was low, as her team had lost.  I did my best to reassure her and to take her mind off of the loss.  It worked for a little while, and we traded playful sarcasm back and forth.

At one point, after we discussed how much we practiced (or didn't practice - she claimed to be at about my belief level) the faith, she said, "I'm on a date with the least-Christian Christian on the planet."

I replied, "Those are some tall words from someone who Jesus won't even help win a ballgame."

Oops.  She didn't like that.  Her wry smile faded and she said, "That wasn't necessary, you jerk."

I replied, "Sorry.  I was just kidding around."

"You just wait until I'm 33."

Hoping that she was back to joking around, I smiled and asked, "What happens when you're 33?"

She replied, "I become the Messiah.  And believe me, I have a list of people to damn."

"The Messiah?  How do you figure?"

She said, "I went on a mission trip to Israel a year and a half ago.  While we were there, we went into some caves near Jerusalem, and an angel told me that I'd become the Messiah when I hit 33."

"What did the angel look like?"

"It was dark.  I couldn't see him.  But I can't wait.  I'm going to fix everything, and everyone who pisses me off is going to regret it."

I let out a laugh, but she silenced me with a look.  Gone was the lighthearted girl of a few minutes ago.  The mood had changed, and she gave me a heavy stare.  "Fine," she said, "Don't believe me.  Get your fun in now, because I'll remember everyone who laughed at me along the way, and they're a huge list."

"Can you perform miracles?" I asked.

"I'm not the Messiah yet, but yeah.  I can.  I've turned water into wine already."

I pushed my water glass toward her, hoping to see a demonstration.  She shook her head and said, "I don't do it gratuitously.  I only perform miracles when necessary."

"It was necessary once for you to turn water into wine?"

She frowned and shifted in her seat.  "I've healed people in the hospital, okay?"

"So why aren't you there every day, healing the sick?  They could probably use someone with your talents."

"I told you, the powers won't start until I'm 33."

I said, "But you told me that you've already turned water into wine and healed the sick.  You're not 33 yet, so–"

"Shut up!" she yelled, and I did.  She went on, "I'm the fucking Messiah!  Just because I'm a woman or because you don't have faith or because you haven't seen a miracle happen doesn't mean that it's not true!  People like you make me so impatient, I might just move it up!"

"I'm sorry… move what up?"

"Armageddon.  The rapture.  It's supposed to happen when I'm 33, but I could probably ask God to start it sooner."

"You'd start Armageddon earlier just because I don't believe that a little girl from Los Angeles is the Messiah?"

"I can't wait to hear you say that when you're screaming into Satan's mighty maw.  Now if you'll excuse me, I have plans to attend to."  At that, she stood up and actually left me there, at the table.  Our food order was on its way, I had just had dinner with the Messiah herself, and my water was still water.

Last I checked, she's still on the dating site.  No explicit mention on her profile about her special abilities, although there's a line that reads, "I have a secret that I'll only tell the worthy."  Hmmm.

4 comments:

  1. If her profile's down tomorrow, you'll know where she is...

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  2. If there's one thing I've learned about religion, is don't mess with people about it, especially those who consider themselves really religious. If you aren't practicing being a Christian, you should never have been on a Christian dating site. That was not so smart.

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  3. Connie has a point, but it's also hard to imagine many Christians who would get it on with someone claiming to be the messiah... apart from the thousands that join assorted cults I suppose. And those that are frantically checking their calenders today.

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  4. Oh I agree Anonyme. She's a whack job. She's gonna have difficulty finding a mate no matter what. But He's gonna have trouble finding a mate on that site who isn't disappointed he isn't more religious. She sounds like the life of the party! Kool-Aid for all!

    ReplyDelete

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