9/01/2009

How Not to Stand a Guy Up

I met Samantha at a friend's going-away party in early August.  She works at an environmental nonprofit, writing grants and going to conferences.  The conversation flowed and she gave me her number.

I was almost at the coffee shop where we had arranged to meet for a first date when my phone rang.

"Hello?"

"Hey, it's Samantha.  I'm going to be late."

"Oh.  Okay–"

"Or I'm going to have to cancel."

"Which is it?"

"I'm having a crisis at work."

If it sounds like a grade-A cop-out to you, then it sure did to me.  Still, I didn't know her too well, and perhaps she was telling the truth.  Perhaps.

I asked, "Is the environment in danger?"

"I'll call you in like 20 minutes."  She hung up.

I sat down in the coffee place with a chai tea and waited.  As I had left my copy of, "What to Do When Your Date's a Flake" at home, I reverted to my default behavior of wondering if each woman who walked by would:

A. Take a sudden interest in me.
B. Sit down with me.
C. Chat over memories past with me.
D. Invite me to her place.
E. Say dirty things into my ear while sitting on her bed.
F. Slap me and kick me out when she became too insecure to act out said dirty things.

My phone rang.  "Hello?"

"It's Samantha.  Look, I can't get out of this.  Can I call you later this week?"

My shoulders dropped.  "Does this happen on a regular basis?"

"No!  I promise.  I just have twelve deadlines on Friday."

"Fine."

I finished my chai, gave every woman in the place one more chance to reel me in, and then I left for the subway.

It was a pleasant night and I opted for a non-direct route.  As I walked near an ice cream shop's outdoor cafe, who should I see sitting at a table over a milkshake but Samantha!  And sitting across from a guy!  My first thought was, "Thank goodness she was able to complete her work so quickly," but my second thought quickly supplanted it, my second thought being, "Ouch!"

I doubled back around the corner and called her.  "Hey, Samantha.  How's work?"

"It's really busy.  Didn't we just talk about this?  I'll call you later, okay?"

"Will you be there late?  Can I bring you anything?"

"What are you talking–?"

"Like ice cream?"

Silence.

I took this opportunity to round the corner and walk towards the ice cream shop.  The instant she locked eyes with me, it was as if someone had poured a drum of ice-cold water all over her.  I saw her mouth, "Shit."

Shit, indeed.

"Hi!" I stopped at her table and extended my hand to the guy.  "I'm the guy she stood up to see you!"  To my surprise, the guy shook my hand, albeit weakly.  Then, I turned to Samantha.  "A milkshake!" I said, "I love milkshakes!"  I grabbed her drink.

"Hey!" she protested, but it was far too late.  I was already drinking some down.  Ahhh...

I replaced the milkshake back on the table, said, "Well, goodnight!" and left.

24 comments:

  1. Way to take a stand man, kudos to you!

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  2. haha you're my hero

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  3. That is epic. I wish I was there to see that. Way to go!

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  4. I DRINK YOUR MILKSHAKE.

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  5. Should've poured the milkshake on that skanks head, haha.

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  6. LOL this is the first story on here where the author was actually in the right~!!!
    awesome move, and narration i might add. i loved the whole scanning other girls while you wait heehee awesome story, i love your reaction. that would be so weird to be the other guy.
    HE
    DRANK
    YOUR
    MILKSHAKE!!!!
    HE DRANK IT UP!!!!

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  7. yea. bs bro. you waited for her after that first call like a pansy.. then all of a sudden you had balls to confront her like that. didnt happen

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  8. There it is, that's a straw, you see? You watching?. And my straw reaches acroooooooss the room, and starts to drink your milkshake... I... drink... your... milkshake!

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  9. she probably blew the guy in the car before the milk shake and you drank it.. other then that you played it right

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  10. Mind if I have a bit of your Big Kahuna burger? Mmmm... that is one tasty burger! Can I try some of your tasty beverage?

    AND YOU SHALL KNOW MY NAME IS THE LORD THY GOD WHEN I LA MY VENGEANCE UPON THEE....

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  11. You all sure get excited about creative writing class

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  12. I figure she spotted you drinking Chai, figured you for a douche and went wtih plan B...

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  13. Why did you drink her milkshake after you discovered where her mouth has been?!?!

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  14. Be glad you got to find out who she is. Why be pissed? Grow up, dude.

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  15. this is the awesomest story on here that i've read so far. you, sir, are my hero. bravo.

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  16. Um - I think you have some issues, there, friend. You really took things personal when she asked nicely to change plans, and sat there in a pool of self-inflicted anxiety which was not her responsibility.

    She asked to meet you later or to reschedule. Did it occur to you that maybe the guy she was meeting had something to do with her business (like they were nipping out to the ice cream place for a quick break)? Or that he was some dependent asshole who was guilting her and insisting that she meet with him otherwise he'd do something self-destructive?

    It could even have been her brother. You should have either just gone home and taken her at her word, or allowed her to explain herself. The whole thing just seems childish.

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  17. The weirdest part about this story is how you were observing all this women at a coffee shop, and you seemed to be mistaking the place for a club. Seriously, girls rarely make the first move anyway, and they're certainly not going to pick up a guy at a coffee shop of all places.

    But yeah, I also think the last part was fake. You probably did see her eating ice cream with another guy, but I doubt you actually confronted her about it.

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  18. Bahahahaha right on man. I hope I have the balls to do that if that ever happens to me. What a b!

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  19. I love your writing style. Hey Mallory, he also mistook her milkshake for his own milkshake and he DRANK it even though it was not his milkshake, which maybe was sensible as milkshakes rarely make the first move. Get a sense of humour.

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  20. I remember you from Ubersite!! You're still an amazing writer, keep it up!

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  21. You'rel an amazing writer, keep it up!

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