8/07/2013

Lord of the Flies

Story Sent in by Richard:

Back in college, I started my own religion and have pretty much stuck to it since then. It teaches that God is actually bugs. They're everywhere, smarter than we give them credit for, and they will continue to exist for long after we're gone. Maybe I'm wrong, but that's my backstory.

Date number two with Allison was at a colonial village complete with a blacksmith forge and general goods merchant. When a little beetle crossed our path, she said, "Gross."

I told her, "I don't think so. Bugs are important and necessary."

She pressed me for details on my beliefs and when I told her what you have already read in the first paragraph, she laughed at me.

"Bugs? You believe that God is bugs?"

I corrected her, "More accurately, I believe that bugs are God."

She laughed again and turned to the visitors and workers of the village and pointed at me and said, "He believes that God is bugs!"

Some turned their heads, but most didn't seem to care. I tried to save the date, but she said, "No, no. Go worship your bug god."

"I don't see how my beliefs are any less valid than yours—"

"No. Just no, no, no. It was nice spending time with you, now goodbye."

She couldn't be dissuaded. Not even when I told her that the average human accidentally eats a couple of pounds of bugs per year, so bugs were inextricably part of who she was. We left the colonial village in our separate cars and never spoke again.

30 comments:

  1. A few smart ass replies popped into my head after reading this. Most along the lines of Allison being an anti Bugite, a bug extermination denier and a quip about the impending bugcalypse but I thought better of it. Blasphemy and all.

    Technically Allison is intolerant because if she mocked the OP for being Jewish or Christian, most of us would be appalled but.....come on, OP. God is a bug or bugs are God? Surely you know a few people would find this funny and/or weird. No more weird than worshiping a deceased Jewish carpenter or L. Ron Hubbard I suppose but yeah, still a little left field.

    P.S. - I don't think you're going to win disciples by telling people that we unknowingly eats pounds of bugs a year. Especially since the average person only eats a pound or less.

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  2. I was going to say that it's no weirder than Scientology, but I see that's been covered.

    In that light, I am going to say that OP is a tad bizarre. That, and I suppose his Satan is spiders. Or the Orkin man.

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  3. I'd love to read the other side of this date:

    "So I went out with Richard and on our first date he told me that God was bugs. I mean WTF, right?"

    Oddly enough, the ramifications of this religion intrigue me. When you drive your can and bugs splatter against the windshield, are you killing God a little bit at the time? Since many bugs tend to eat one another, does that mean God is at war with its self? How does one worship bugs? Are your holy books entomology field guides? What about mosquitoes...is that kind of the opposite of communion?

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  4. Why not bacteria? I mean, they are the origin of life on Earth and certain species can live in environments that insects cannot. Bacteria are far more numerous and diverse than other organisms. And even insects are dependent on bacteria. Let's face it, bacteria are kicking all of out asses.

    So what happens when the gods have gods?

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  5. I'm not even going to try to be snarky for this one... I just don't have the energy.

    OP is a weirdo, and most women would probably react in a similar fashion to how his date did.

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  6. WTF is this? This is bad and you should feel bad.

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  7. In this case I'm more than glad to hear some OP bashing!

    Do you really have to go around saying you started your own religion and that bugs are God? I mean, can't you just think that bugs are important/significant and leave it at that. I think the dinosaur makes a great point, and Steve is preachin the truth. Sorry OP but ain't nobody got time for that.

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  8. Not to mention our bodies contain more bacteria cells than human cells.

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  9. I wouldn't date someone who said that either.

    (and at least Scientology had a purpose.. to make a ton of money for the founder)

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  10. Op, good for you that you claim about bugs! to each their own I guess. And to Green Green, for when you comment on this because I did, YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT MAURY POVICH PROVED THAT I AM NOT YOUR MOTHER/FATHER. YOU HEARD WRONG YOU ONLY WANTED TO HEAR WHAT YOU WANTED TO. BUT I AM NOT YOUR MOTHER/FATHER. SO THEREFORE STOP SAYING I WAS.

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  11. @Architect - I think I've seen the shrine for this faith.

    OP clearly is being twee more than crazy, but if you like being a Manic Pixie Dream Nerd, you take the risk of being taken at face value.

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  12. Blue Blue, those DNA tests are *only* 99% accurate. That 1% leaves a LOT on the table...

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  13. lol steve, why don't you let green green live with you steve?

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  14. Blue Blue, despite the fact that we smush on a frequent basis, me with my manly junk, and you with your womanly-lady-female-parts, Green Green is most assuredly NOT mine!

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  15. Steve, I didn't say Green Green was yours. All i said was why not let green green live with you?

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  16. Blue Blue, why can't you JUST LOVE ME?! I bring you rent money and fresh bananas! We tandem bike through the park like a momdad and daughterson should! I just want your love! Is that so wrong? Also, that paternity test Fizziks has up pretty much proves you're my parent so don't even try to act like that.

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  17. Steve, I know you're not my real daddy, but you can be my sugar daddy any day. Just come find me on my street corner :-) But help me keep an eye out for Tanette 'caus you know, she'll cut a bitch.

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  18. I'd rather live with just YOU, Blue Blue, so I can have lovemaking sessions on the reg.

    But, I understand if you and Green Green are a package deal...

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  19. When I read the first sentence I thought this was a crazy online profile someone normal had sent in. Richard, you need to advertise for fellow bug worshippers, because most people agree with your date.

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  20. So, uh, hey Elizabeth... how YOU doin'? Come here often?

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  21. Green Green, i am not your parent. stop claiming that i am. I am not a packaged deal with green green Steve. Green Green, if you can't accept the fact I am not your parent than I am leaving the apartment, leaving it in your name, and you must provide the whole rent yourself. I am moving somewhere else where no one can find me, i have already burned down all the necessary paper work.

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  22. Come live with me, Blue Blue. We can engage in a heterosexual relationship; me being the man, you being the woman.

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  23. I for one think it's cool that for once it was the bad date that wrote in.

    (your religion is dumb and you should feel dumb)

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  24. I worship Steve's manly junk. ;)

    (Additionally, Jared, I actually worship the ground you walk on. The actual ground that you walk on. I camp out near it and sacrifice bugs on the concrete. The ground demands bug sacrifice.)

    Also, OP, shouldn't you have a little more respect and call them insects instead of bugs if they are per your beliefs god?

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  25. Hey now, we shouldn't bash the OP's irrational stupid belief-system! Everyone knows that idiotic faith-based systems are equally as valid as hard science.

    TEACH THE CONTROVERSY

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  26. So this is my first time reading the comments and I can't believe I haven't thought to look before, this is better than the post.

    As for OP, people who make up their own religions don't have a great track record as far as not being crazy cult leaders go.

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  27. Instead of communion wine, does the OP partake of beetlejuice?

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  28. Steve, I come here all the time. I just don't comment very often.

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  29. Pirates are the chosen people. RAmen.

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