7/11/2013

Sounds Preferable to Middle School

Story Sent in by Rob:

Simone had down on her profile that she had health problems that made it so that she had missed fifth and sixth grade. She didn't elaborate and I didn't ask, but on our dinner date, she blurted:

"So you're probably wondering all about my fifth and sixth grade health problems."

I asked, "What happened back then?"

"I had an illness I'd rather not discuss. At least not on a first date."

"Suit yourself," I said, though I was secretly wondering why she even brought it up.

"Did you go to fifth and sixth grade?" she asked.

"Yes."

"Must've been nice. Not me, though. I missed them both. Fifth grade. And sixth. Yep."

Hoping to move on, I said, "I'm glad you're all better now."

"But you don't know what I had. I may not be all better. You just know I missed two grades."

"I—"

"Fifth grade!"

"So you said. But—"

"And sixth! Sixth grade! Like a whole two years!"

"Then I'm glad that you're well enough to at least have not missed seventh and beyond." Why wouldn't she just drop it?

She asked, "Did you miss fifth and sixth grade?"

"No. And if I had, I'd shut the hell up about it. Forever."

Surprisingly little talk for the rest of dinner, and perhaps not surprisingly, no second date. Whatever she had, I didn't want to catch it.

33 comments:

  1. When I'm on a date this tedious I like to follow Howies lead and duck off to the bathroom, check that the toilet paper is one ply and use that as an excuse to finger my ass. I usually like to yell "Number 3! Number 3!" for cover if its taking me a while to get off.
    Thanks Howie.

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  2. The more I read these stories the more I wonder how the hell these crazy assbutt people get dates. Even my drug addled high scool drop out of an alldaylong warcraft playing brother has a girlfriend! I mean, I'm no hot shot lady lawyer but I'm pretty okay damn it.

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  3. If you're not a hot shot lady lawyer such as myself, you're not okay. You're probably some kind of blue collar worker like an architect who doesn't know legalese like me. The dumbest girl in my sorority became an architect after she failed out of dental school.

    My fiancé, Art Vandelay, skipped the fifth and sixth grades. Unlike this lying bitch, he did so because he caught polio like FDR. Art calls me his Eleanor because he bangs his transsexual secretary and I have a secret lesbian relationship with my "friend" Blue Blue. Perfect Relationship!

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  4. Oh Devil, I'm racing off to find some one ply toilet paper and then reading your comment again.

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  5. I call FOUL on the Devil! If architecture is blue collar and Art is an architect, then you are marrying a blue collar slob! Not the most perfect relationship ever!!!11!!11! Boom, you've been lawyered.

    Frankly,
    The Architect

    OP, your last line to your date was epic! Loved it! Also, you know she has herpagonasyphilaids. That's why she missed fifth grade. AND SIXTH!

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  6. How dare you finish this date without finding what she had? Now I'll never know!

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  7. Op, she wanted you to keep pestering her about her illness that why she kept talking about it. Sorry Devil, but I am straight.

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  8. The date is like the kind of person on Facebook who makes a status like "So sad, don't want to talk about it". The fact it was on her dating profile makes it clear she wanted attention for it.

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  9. Ahh HA! We now know that Blue Blue is a girl! One question down. Now, where are you from?

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  10. ^ and the answer "from my mother's vagina" is not good enough, Blue, Blue. That's my answer when people axe, er..ask me.

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  11. Sorry Architect, but you got it wrong, I only said I was straight, which means I didn't say which gender I am. And to Howie, that was not going to be my answer.

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  12. I think Blue Blue is not answering your question because he/she doesn't want you to know his/her gender.

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  13. I think we're starting to get to the bottom of this Blue Blue thing.

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  14. Shoe made me snort my show business water.

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  15. Architect you could be right and you could be wrong. Who knows?

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  16. The preponderance of evidence suggests that after escaping a human trafficking ring of tranny hookers enslaved for the whims of architects, ze joined witness relocation program. Blue's knowledge of this international cartel extended to a century old brethren of assassins, El Vez, recruited from the top ranks of celebrity in an even-grimmer-version of Scientology, making it too dangerous for hir to merely alter name and identity; it had to be removed entirely. But to navigate this essentially extra-legal state ze had to call upon the acumen of a formidable lady lawyer. Alas, said attorney was busy holding hands with a while being fingered mid-dump. Alone and frightened, Blue retreats to the virtual realm, finding solace only on a blog that delivers a window into humans still free to interface freely. A fellow devotee pieces together clues about bananas for dinner and college linguistics to suspect hir of proximity to El Vez. Determined to expose Blue's involvement if true, Shoe also offers protection if ze is in danger hirself.

    "Lay Off!" is how Blue swayed Shoe.

    /cue groans

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  17. Ya'll see how I cunningly smoked Blue Blue out? I'm such an awesome lady lawyer. Boo ya!

    Oh, and my fiancé Art Vandelay only dabbles in architecture. He's also a marine biologist and latex salesman. I made him give up architecture when he met me because it's blue collar and I do not associate with working class morons. So no "The Architect", my relationship is still perfect!!!!!!!!

    P.S. - I'm starting to get a lady boner for Shoe and Fizziks. They're both probably terribly blue collar but I sometimes like to slum it when Art is visiting his tranny hookers and my lovah Blue Blue has her mensies....'Cause Blue Blue is a lady!!!!!

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  18. There really needs to be a bcotd forum to move all this to.

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  19. Blue Blue is a secksy laydee!!

    So, where are you from? Portland? Houston? Milwaukee?

    How old are you? 23? 48? 37?

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  20. Devil, you didn't smoke me out because you still don't know what gender I am. You could be wrong or right about my gender. And Steve, you could be right or wrong about my gender too. Steve do you need to know my age and where I am from? Fizziks what are you talking about?

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  21. See what you guys did? You are making blue blue stay past HER bed time. I mean she could be man or woman.

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  22. Ria, I don't have a bed time and you are right I can be a man or a woman.

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  23. No groaning here Fiz. That was awesome. And Kez I know your pain. Men trending toward not quite sane women and women trending towards men they can fix and of course architects. So the nice ones like us well Ima try not to be bitter. And maybe blue is a trans person who was born one gender and lives hir life as the other gender. Just putting it out there.

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  24. I've always seen Blue Blue as a mid twenties to mid thirties asian woman with an abnormally small head.....on her shoulders......

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  25. ^Fiz: love the pun-reference.

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  26. Kitty Rose, you could be wrong or you could be right. But i won't disclose my ethnicity either. And again you can believe whatever you want about my gender or ethnicity.

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  27. I agree with Kitty, a little head Blue Blue?

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  28. I do. In fact, with each post I feel like I know something more about you BB. Slowly but surely - we will all know what you really are!

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  29. Kitty Rose, you feel that way? what were to happen if you discovered all your findings about each of my post were completely and utterly wrong? Do not say you know something more about me. Cause you don't know my gender nor my ethnicity. and Fly, I might have a little head on my downstairs (not saying I do or don't)

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  30. You guys have it all wrong. Blue Blue is actually both genders until observed, at which point Blue Blue collapses into just one gender. This would also mean Blue Blue's assertion of being straight is technically impossible, as the gender preference would depend on which gender results from the act of observing, meaning the actual entity is bisexual.

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  31. Sean wins, and I'm jealous

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  32. Bravo, Sean. I was gonna throw out that Blue Blue was supernatural next. But I love yours.

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