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1/22/2013

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Story Sent in by Tom:

I found Kimberly on OKCupid. She was hot, her essays were smart, and I laughed about half a dozen times reading her profile, whereas most profiles I read barely made me smile. According to the site, she responded to messages often (which surprised me), and I messaged her.

After not hearing back from her for two and a half weeks, I had almost forgotten about her when one morning, she emailed me a note:

"Can you meet me at Stefano's? Tonight at 8? Come alone?"

That night was a Monday. I didn't have anything going on, but the brevity of her message was simultaneously intriguing, mysterious, and mysterious. That latter word bears repetition. "Come alone?" As opposed to bringing my sister's kindergarten class (my sister is a kindergarten teacher who stormed out of her last birthday party, held at a restaurant packed with family and friends, when she didn't receive the magazine subscription that she wanted. Like a kindergartener with progeria.).

I arrived alone at Stefano's, a decent Italian place, at 7:30. I was early because I just had a weird impression from her message. Maybe she was just being quirky and fun, as lots of girls were wont to be after Mayim Bialik turned "weird eccentric loner" into "quirky and fun."

Speaking of, Kimberly arrived 10 to eight, dressed up like a Gothic French maid. She sported a short skirt with black and white striped leggings, and a lacy black trim around most of her outfit. Fun and quirky.

The first words out of her mouth were, "Are you alone?"

I looked around to confirm that I was, then said, "Yes. You?"

She said, "I picked this place because they have candlelight."

She asked the host to seat us in a corner of the restaurant. "Away from windows," she instructed. Perhaps she was afraid of electric lights. And drafts. And thinking straight.

We were soon at our corner, candlelit table. Then, she said, "Okay" about 50 times, as if preparing to tell me the meaning of life, who really shot JFK, or that she was pregnant with a chicken.

She said, "Have you heard of Amway?"

It's a shame, as I was really hoping for the JFK thing. I said, "Yes."

She blurted, "Nothing could be further from the truth! It's a legitimate corporation with over 500–no, 50 years ago, Rich DeVos and Jay... something... urgh, okay, sorry, okay, okay, I'm doing this wrong, okay..."

I said, "Why don't you take a deep breath and start at the beginning? Minus anything about Amway."

"People have bad impressions about it, but nothing could be further from the truth! It's a legitimate corporation with over 50 years of experience building businesses and lifelong relationships from the ground up."

"Not interested."

"Okay. Okay. You just need the desire to succeed. It was founded 50 years ago by Rich DeVos and Jay, it's a legitimate–"

"I'm not interested. Can we talk about something else?"

"I don't want to." She looked up, as if straining for the right words. She had seemingly practiced her sales pitch, assuming that the person to whom she'd be pitching would be extremely interested and therefore not really need much of a sales pitch, to begin with.

I threw in my best shot. "You look really good." And she did. That's the unfortunate part of it all. She looked great, and her profile was humorous and articulate. What happened?

"Nothing could be further from the truth..." she said, but to herself, like she was trying really hard to remember what came next.

The waiter came by for our drink orders. I opted for a Jack and Coke (that kind of night) and she ordered water. I tried over and over to talk about something other than her ludicrous sales pitch, and finally, I seemed to engage her on the topic of what it was like to be a high school music teacher (which is what she was).

The waiter delivered our drinks and took our food orders. Kimberly talked about the challenges she faced and the shows she wanted to direct. It was refreshing, and I can honestly say that that was the best part of the date. I really enjoyed myself.

When I followed up something she said with, "Isn't Rent a little tough to do, in a high school setting?"

She replied, "Have you given any more thought to it?"

"To what? Rent? It's a good show. Not my favorite."

"Amway."

"There's a show about Amway? That sucks."

"Okay. Founded in 1959, over 50 years ago, by Rich DeVos, it's a legitimate–"

"Kimberly!" I snapped.

That stopped her, but her lips quivered, like she was bursting to go on. I said, "Mention it again, and I'm moving to a separate table, to eat my dinner alone. And I really, really mean it."

She couldn't help herself. "Lots of people think it's, they have common bad impressions about it, but–"

I stood up from the table, likely more dramatically than was necessary. I found our waiter, briefly explained that things weren't working out on my date, and asked him if he'd be cool with splitting the check to two different tables. He was gracious enough to help me out on that. I picked a table out of Kimberly's view, and ate my dinner in peace. I didn't see her leave, but I didn't look for her. When I left, I didn't check to see if she was still there or not.

When I went home, I wrote this up, because I didn't want to forget anything. So glad I got it down.

15 comments:

I understand the OP thought that his date had high potential as she was physically and mentally attractive to him online, but dude, you should have pulled the plug when it became obvious she was there to make a sales pitch. The only thing I can assume is that he thought by possibly not talking about it with her, he'd still have a chance.

I like this though: I stood up from the table, likely more dramatically than was necessary. It must run in the family, considering he likes to get upset at what his sister did. You knew right from the start what she was about, just move on. I agree that her using her dating profile to sell Amway is misleading and rude, but you knew from the beginning what she was about. Just say no thanks and move on. Dragging the date out is what put you in the position you were in.

And I realize that I repeat myself!

I guess she doesn't make enough on her teacher's salary to buy haute couture like Gothic French maid outfits, so she much supplement her income with Amway. I bet she sells a decent amount of stuff to random guys she meets from online sites. If she's as hot as you say she is, these chuckleheads think they can buy them some luvin'.

You know why she was acting nervous? Because she was in deep with the Amway people. They are far from legitimate and Rich DeVos had sent his leg-breakers after her. Her only option left was to put on a ridiculous disguise, and try to hook some fresh new talent into their pyramid scheme. If she could just land a few more sales people, Richie D might spare her. Are you happy OP? You caused poor, hot, Kimberly to have her legs broken by the Amway crew. You couldn't just sell a few products could you? You disgust me.

What's with all the side info on your sister? I can't put my finger on it but something in your story telling style makes you unreliabable author.

I feel that he seems like a Drama King.

Hmm I think the architect is right she probably in trouble and need those people to build.

that aside about the sister should have been edited out although i admit it does inform a bit about the narrator's character (that the he must always make others, particularly women, look bad/crazy). so it should come as no surprise that he let the date drag out a bit longer than it should have simply so that he can have a better story to tell about that one time he met a crazy girl (who really wasn't crazy, just working poor, and trying to make an extra buck) from online.

I'll bet she doesn't. I'm a terrible salesperson and even I know her technique was crap. Horny dudes will do a lot to get laid but even they don't like the awkward hard sell Kimberly uses.

As an aside, what the hell is a Gothic French maid outfit?

This was such a stupid story. It was way too drawn out and filled with needless information. What the hell does your sister have to do with any of this?!
And your comedic attempts failed more miserably than Rebecca Black's singing career.

Go fuck a cactus. I hate you.

Maybe, she was part of an Amway like prostitution industry. Ever thought of that?

Agree. Needless criticism of his sister does not make him exactly trustworthy.

OP sounds like he thinks he's a really witty writer - hence the unfunny jokes. I bet he's really irritating in the flesh.

OK, people already covered the weird aside with the OP's sister but this part was also weird: "as lots of girls were wont to be after Mayim Bialik turned "weird eccentric loner" into "quirky and fun"."

Who the Hell is Mayim Bialik?

"There's a show about Amway? That sucks."

OK, that was funny.

Mayim Bialik was Blossom, and currently play Amy Farrah-Fowler on the Big Bang Theory. Nerdy and awkward and cute and sweet is what the author was trying to say.

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