9/30/2011

Some Things Are Better Left in the Closet

Story Sent in by Jennifer:

Erik and I had been seeing each other for about two months when some of our mutual friends invited us to a backyard barbecue. We all had a few drinks, but nothing went out of hand. Being a little tipsy (or drunk), we all found new, stupid ways to amuse ourselves.

There was a point where we were all sitting around a pit fire and I was telling a story about something that happened to me in high school, a bad date story, as a matter of fact. Those gathered listened and laughed at all the key moments, and when I finally finished the story, there was some good laughter all around.

Then, all at once, Erik, who had been sitting next to me, stood up and took my hand. I stood up with him. He said, "We'll be right back," and led me into the house.

I wasn't sure what he had planned, but I was intrigued, thinking that he was either going to tell me a secret or put the moves on me, neither of which would have been unwelcome.

Instead, he led me into the house's downstairs hallway, where they had a coat closet. He opened it up, nudged me inside, and still thinking that this was all an elaborate joke, I went in. He shut the door behind me and walked off.

Expecting I-don't-know-what, I waited in there for a few minutes before peeping my head out and leaving it. I looked around for him, called his name, and went back outside to find him sitting at the fire with our friends.

I went up to him and said, "Okay, what was that about?"

He stood up and led me inside again, this time upstairs to a bedroom. He walked into the bedroom's closet and pulled me in with him. I asked him, "What are you–?"

"Shh," he said, then stepped out of the closet and closed the door between us again. He walked away. I opened it and followed him.

Before he reached the stairs, I caught up and asked, "What's this all about?"

He said, "You have to stay in the closet. I'm finished playing with you, now. You have to go back in the closet with the clothes and shoes."

Through the haze, I was able to ask, "What the hell are you talking about?"

He sighed and explained, "A coat is to be worn on the body. Gloves on the hands. Women on the penis. I am through wearing you so you have to go in the closet!" He busted up laughing and slid down to the floor.

"Okay," I said, "I'm leaving."

He jolted to his feet and grabbed my arm. "Don't go!" he said, "Don't!" He yanked me toward him and I slapped his face. He released me and fell back as if I had hit him with a baseball bat. I ran downstairs, said a hasty goodbye to our friends, and left.

He didn't even call to apologize. Instead, he wrote me an email that read, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA." Good riddance.

8 comments:

  1. A woman is to be worn on the penis? Huh. I never thought of it that way.

    I like that a woman can be worn different ways and that I can change the women when she goes out of style.

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  2. Was he expecting anything different from the reaction he got . . . ?

    Man, I kind of want to slap this guy myself.

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  3. I'm curious to know the other bad date story too.

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  4. First off, fool the op twice, shame on the op. Second, I don't really want to defend this guy or try to make this kind of behavior seem appropriate at any time, however, from the way you wrote this story (and I'm surprised you could remember this much of it) it would seem that you were both very drunk. Not only were you both drunk but you were both doing things to amuse yourselves that by you're own admission were stupid. From the evidence presented by you I can only conclude you and your boyfriend got drunk he said something stupid and you broke up with him, then he sent you a drunk email. As far as stories go on this site this was kind of lame and if anything the funniest part was the comment about being worn on the penis.

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  5. ^As and addendum perhaps we should have some couples get high and record their inane musings to be transcribed later. I'm sure that they would be just as amusing and cause me to care about the things that they did while under the influence equally as much.

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  6. Yeah...No. No matter how drunk, there's no excuse. I also have to wonder why she didn't tell on him and left the douchebag to hang out with her friends.

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  7. Ipdar - cool your jets. Also, you can definitely have a couple drinks and remember the night. Not all stories youve heard about people who imbibe alcohol involve them getting crazy, throwing up and having unprotected sex.

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