South of the Border, Over the Line

Submitted by Anthony:

Grace suggested that we visit an arboretum and go out for Mexican on our first date.  I asked her if she liked any Mexican restaurant in particular and her only instructions were to pick out "a good one."  I picked out a local one on Yelp that had great reviews.

She seemed cold and distant the entire time at the arboretum, and when I told her where we'd be going for dinner, she said, "Uh, I won't eat there."

I asked her if she had another suggestion.  She said, "That's not my responsibility.  I asked you to pick a place out."

I explained that I didn't really know of any other local Mexican places offhand.  She said, "That's not my problem."

I asked her why she was being difficult.  She then asked me why I had shown up to a date unprepared for her.  I asked her if she would be willing to consider non-Mexican cuisine.  She told me that Mexican was all she wanted.

I told her that if she didn't help me out, then she'd be forcing a stalemate, and that we wouldn't be going anywhere, and, if that was where we were heading, then we might as well end the date right then and there.

She said, "If that's what you want."

I hesitated, then realized that that was what I wanted, so I did.

A Rose Is a Rose No Matter How Much it Stinks

Submitted by Rachel:

I met Justin through a mutual friend. We talked at a couple of parties and I finally gave him my number.  We started texting back and forth for a little while when he asked me out on a date.  He was cute, liked to joke around, and got my dry sense of humor. I thought it would be a better idea if we went out with our mutual friend and her boyfriend so I could have an escape route just in case. He said that was great and all four of us arranged the date. Reservations at 8. Meet for drinks at 6:30.

My friend and I were on our way to her boyfriend's house (where everyone was supposed to meet at 6:30) and she got a call from none other than Justin.  It was 6:26.

Justin asked, "What are you up to tonight?"

My friend said, "We're on our way to my boyfriend's house to meet for the double date.  Isn't that the plan?"

"Oh yeah!  I just got off work.  Can you come pick me up?"

We picked him up from work and he carried three dozen roses into the car with him.  He held him on his lap and didn't mention them at all.

At 7:15, we pulled up to my friend's boyfriend's house and called the restaurant to make reservations for 8:30.

We had a couple of drinks and the whole time Justin wouldn't stop talking.  Maybe he was just nervous.

At 8:24, we made it to the restaurant, and just as the host was about to seat us, Justin was nowhere to be found.  Where was he?  Handing out individual roses from his bouquet to various ladies in the bar.  I went to tell him that we were being seated, and he told me that he'd be right there.

Some time later, Justin finally made it to the table.  We had already ordered without him.  He looked at me and asked, "Where's my food?"

I told him that we had already ordered.  He shrugged and took off for the bar, where we eventually found him, flirting with some other women, after dinner.

So Dark the Bitterness of Woman

Submitted by Will:

Over the course of my dinner date with Katie, it seemed as though she was pretty intent on picking a fight.  She corrected or disagreed with nearly everything I said.  Here's an example:

I started out with, "I'm going to see my cousins this weekend."

She'd shoot back, "Do not have a life or something?"

"I have a life.  I enjoy seeing my family."

"Are people in your family sort of like buddy-buddy, best friends and all that?"

"No.  We like spending time together, though.  I enjoy it."

"I repeat my prior statement.  You just don't have a life."

"Okay.  What are you going to be up to this weekend?"

She downed her wine in nearly one gulp and said, "I'm going to be at a few concerts, and hanging out with some friends.  You know.  Normal stuff."

"Which concerts?"

She shook her head.  "I doubt that someone like you has heard of them."

"Try me."

"Why bother?"

"Just try."

She listed three groups I hadn't heard of.  I told her that I hadn't heard of them, and then asked her what sort of music they played.

"Forget it," she said, shaking her head again, "I doubt you'd have even heard of the type of music that they play."

What's weird is that she came off as someone totally different over the phone, or at least far friendlier.  At any rate, I said my goodnight after dinner, and it ended there.

Out of This World

Submitted by Chrissy:

Scott and I met over coffee.  He was a 26-year-old research chemist for an area pharmaceutical corporation.  The conversation went well, and we were talking about our respective childhoods when he mentioned that he was abducted as a youngster.

I thought that I had misheard him.  "Abducted?  As in, kidnapped?"

He shook his head.  "Aliens."

I laughed.  He didn't.  That only made it funnier, but I controlled myself.  I said, "Can I hear the story?"

He told me how during an afternoon of playing in a field on a cloudy day with his older brother, he saw a tall, gray-blue figure with large black eyes stalking around the far end of the field, near a group of trees.  The thing stared at them, and they ran back to the house.

He continued the story, telling me that whatever it was must have followed them home, because after dinner that night, once he was in bed, the thing was in the corner of his room, staring at him.  He remembers convulsing violently, and then nothing else until the next morning when his father found him outside the house, half-dead in a clump of grass.

I asked him if he had any implants.  Scott said that they never found any in him, but that since then, he had demonstrated superhuman powers, including making time slow down.  I asked him to demonstrate, and he shut his eyes and trembled.  Time didn't slow down, but my coffee became just a little bit colder.

Going for a Ride

Submitted by Denise:

John and I met up at a local mall, but he told me that he had a better idea for something to do for our first date and he volunteered to drive, so I climbed into his car and off we went.

"Where are we going?" I asked him, ready for adventure.

"It's a surprise," he said.

Twenty minutes later, I had discovered that he was a conversational dud.  Every question I asked him received a one-word reply (if that) and everything I did to try and expand the conversation fell flat.  He simply did not seem interested in talking.

After I was sure that we had passed the same house twice, I asked him, "Where are we going?"

"Just for a ride."

"A ride where?"

He turned to me and said, "Does every ride need a destination?  I just thought it would be a good way for us to–"

"Look out!" I screamed.

He turned to the road, or rather, the sidewalk onto which he was about to drive.  He swerved, too far, and nearly took out a car in the oncoming lane.

"Pull over!" I yelled, "Pull over!  Pull over!"

"It's okay!" he shouted, his hands turning white on the steering wheel, "We're fine!  I was just distracted!"

"Pull over now!" I demanded.

He stopped the car short, jumped out, ran to my side, and opened my door so fast that I thought it would fly off of its hinge.

"Get out of my car," he said.

I shook my head.  "You drive me back, first!"

He reached in to pull me out, but I said, "If you touch me, I swear to god that you're going to regret it, if you so much as touch me."

He slammed my door closed, climbed back in on his side, drove me back to the mall, and dropped me off as far as he could from my car, on the other side of the parking lot.  I jumped out and he sped away.

Galaga Makes Everything Better

Submitted by Nick:

 

I met Michelle online and we agreed to meet up at a local restaurant of her choosing.  She picked a greasy burger joint so I immediately liked her and was really looking forward to our date.

 

She showed up, we exchanged pleasantries, and went inside of the small burger joint for dinner.  While waiting in line to place our order she struck up a conversation with the guy working the register.

 

The friendly banter quickly turned to flirting and I kid you not included such lines as "I like your beard, it's really cute," and "Oh, will you be making my burger personally?"  I decided to roll with the situation and try to salvage the date so I joined in on the banter and made a few jokes that were pretty well-received.

 

After placing our order, we headed upstairs to the small dining area and claimed a table in the corner by the window.  Michelle said, "I hope that guy didn't think I was flirting with him."

 

I responded, "Yeah, I'm not sure about that one."

 

She then told me that she got asked out on lots of dates via this online dating site and would go out with guys sometimes because she just wanted a free meal.  This date was turning south in a hurry and as I had already paid for our meals I couldn't help but feel like I was being used.

 

Determined to press onward, I continued to make conversation, asking about her job and the like while we waited for our food.  Up the stairs came our food and who should bring it but Mr. Cash Register and we began a second onslaught of flirting.  Again, I felt like a complete third wheel.  It seemed like they were the ones actually on a date that I was interrupting.  I joined in on the banter again but this time, I was completely ignored.

 

Finally he went downstairs, but halfway through our meal came, you guessed it, Mr. Cash Register.  He slowly cleaned each table and emptied all of the trash cans, all the while flirting with Michelle.

 

We had both finished our burgers, fries, and drinks by the time he finally left us and I had gotten in all of ten sentences.  The date was beyond over as far as I was concerned and I suggested that we leave.  

 

As we headed out, she noticed the Galaga arcade game in the corner.  She suggested that we play and I said, "Are you sure?  That could take a while," as I love that game and could play it for hours.

 

She said, "Sure, you afraid I'll beat you?"  Oh no she didn't.  It was on now.  So long Mr. Nice Guy.

 

Two quarters and 15 minutes later, her game was over and I was just getting warmed up.  After level 18 I told her that we could just go and there was no need to finish the game so we headed outside, said our goodbyes and parted ways, never to speak again.

 

A horrible date but I do love kicking some Galaga ass.

The Donkeys and the Elephants Should Be Friends

Submitted by Paul:

One thing people don't usually share on their online dating profiles (at least as far as I've found) are their political leanings.  As a result, dinner with Jessica was one of the most unpleasant experiences of my life.

One of the first five sentences she said was something like, "Did you hear about that [local] news story about that rape victim who wanted an abortion?  Hello?  Adoption?"

I didn't respond, and she jumped right on me.  "I take your silence to mean that you disagree?"

I shrugged and told her that I leaned a fair amount liberal, although I liked to keep a level head and open mind.  She muttered something like, "Typical liberal.  Pick something and stick with it."

I didn't say anything to this, and she apologized, saying that she was involved in various political causes and that I had engaged her on a subject on which she was passionate.

I then pointed out that she was the one who had brought up the abortion thing and that I just wanted to have a pleasant dinner.  She retorted, "It must be nice to have a pleasant dinner while so many babies are being mutilated."

The waiter picked that moment to come by, and must have heard the end of her statement.  I decided at that point that I'd give her the benefit of the doubt, and, as I said, keep an open mind.  Just because someone leans differently politically, or talks about mutilated babies on a first date, is no reason to write them off.  Right?

She went on about how environmentalism is destroying America, how fair trade is ludicrous, and how Obama's mishandling the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.

I told her that perhaps she'd be better off with a guy who shared her political beliefs.  She replied that she liked converting liberals and that she had a flawless record of doing so.

The rest of the date went a lot like that, and suffice it to say, I'm proud to be her first failure.

Space Cadet

Submitted by Josie:

Jon showed up ten minutes late and about fifty pounds heavier than his Internet photos.  The introductory part of our date was all right, but when I asked him what he wanted to do with his life, he said, point blank, that he wanted to be an astronaut.

I asked him if he was an engineer or in the air force and he said that he helped his dad run an antiques business, but that he knew enough about machinery and engines to make it to NASA.  He said that he wrote them letters every few months, and that he had gotten in touch with someone there who seemed interested in his candidacy.

He spent the rest of dinner telling me how he kept wanting to apply to be a counselor at Space Camp, as apparently, NASA handpicks good camp counselors to be inducted into their astronaut program.  He talked about taking a road trip down to Georgia to apply in-person.

When I asked him what his five-year plan was, he leaned back and said that he would be the first man to walk on Mars.

After dinner, we walked a little ways out of the small downtown and sat in a park.  He pointed out plenty of constellations and named them.  He told me that he spent a long time memorizing them, and that astronauts had to have a good memory.

Thinking that the entire thing was a joke (he was pushing 30, after all) I asked him what he really wanted to do with his life.  He repeated in full seriousness that he was going to be an astronaut.

Then, we were quiet for a little while and he apologized, saying that he couldn't make a long-term commitment to anyone, seeing as how rigorous the astronaut training program at NASA was.

I forgave him and wished him luck.

Unamusement Park

Submitted by Elizabeth:

Ryan promised to take me to an amusement park for our first date.  We did dinner and drinks and had a good enough time, although he was supremely into himself.

Towards the end of the date, I turned to him and thought that I'd be nice.  I said, "This was more fun than going to an amusement park.  I'm glad we didn't go."

He looked at me strangely and said, "Is there a fucking problem that I didn't take you to an amusement park?"

"No, I–"

"What else have I done wrong, your majesty?  I just changed my mind!  What's the fucking problem?"

"There isn't–"

"Tell you what," he reached into his wallet and struggled with it before handing me the whole thing.  "Here you go.  Just take all my money!  Isn't that all you're after?"

I dropped his wallet and backed away.  He advanced.  I said, "I think that I'm going to head home.  Thanks for a lovely night."

I turned and walked away as fast as I could.  He called after me, "Good luck finding a sugar daddy, you fat bitch!"

Good luck to him, too.

Don't Dish if You Can't Take

Submitted by Justin:

From the get-go, Beth teased me on our date.  She'd point at my shirt and say, "Hello 1980s," or say, "Nerd alert," when I told her that I was an engineer.

In short, she seemed like a lot of fun.  I rolled with it, and finally joined in with my own ribbing.  At one point, I told her that I almost failed math in seventh grade.  She hit back with, "My 10-year-old cousin's doing math at a seventh grade level.  I'm on a date with a guy who's dumber than my little cousin."

I said, "At least you're not sitting across from someone who can't even spell 'math.'"

She gasped and opened her eyes wide.  I thought she was still kidding around and I said, "Yeah.  That's right.  What?"

She started crying, right there in the restaurant.  I said, over and over, "Are you joking around?  Are you serious?"

After I had repeated this a few times, she shouted, "Yes, I'm serious!  You didn't have to say that!  Why did you have to say that?  Why?"

I reached across the table to comfort her, but she said, "Get away from me!"

It was such an overreaction that I had to ask her one more time, "Are you being serious, here?"

"Yes!" she screamed.

I wanted to leave instantly, but felt a certain sense of responsibility, so I stayed with her until dinner was over.  She let me hug her goodnight, and then we parted ways.

Song and Dance

Submitted by Nicholas:

Elaine and I arranged to meet up for a dinner date.  The first question she asked me when we sat down to dinner was, "Have you ever cheated on a girlfriend?"

I told her I hadn't, and it was true.  She asked, "Really?  You're not just saying that?"

"Really.  Never have."

"Are you lying?"

"No," I said again, patiently, "And I would never cheat on someone like you."

"What do you mean, 'Someone like me'?  What's the matter with me?"

I said, "Nothing.  I'd never cheat on you."

She rolled her eyes and said, "I've heard that song and dance before."

After dinner, she asked me to go clothes shopping with her.  I went along, thinking that it wouldn't take too long, but we must have walked into every store at the local mall.

After some time, I asked her if she could finish up shopping.  She said, "What?  Have another date after this one?  You'll wait."

I told her that I was going into an electronics store a little across the way, to wait for her to finish.  She then said, "No!  We're on a date.  You don't leave me."

I said, "So if this wasn't a date, I'd be allowed to leave, then?"

She nodded, and so I said, "Great.  Goodbye," and left.

She followed me into the mall.  "What the are you doing?" she asked, "You don't leave a girl in the middle of a date."

"I don't want to date you," I said, "Now let me go."

I continued walking, and she didn't follow me anymore.

But How Will He Make it Home?

Submitted by Sadie:

David called and asked if I wanted to go out.  He said that he was worried that he wouldn't be able to come up with a place to go, so I told him that we could just be spontaneous.

He called me when he was outside, and when I came out, he asked, "Could we just walk to a local restaurant?  I'm not going to be driving anymore tonight."

I told him that there weren't any close-by restaurants, and he suggested that we go sit in his car. He started walking really fast, about seven feet in front of me until we got to his car.

We got in, and he was really angry. I asked if anything was wrong. He looked straight ahead with a scrunched up face and told me, "I don't want to risk bodily harm by driving."

He continued, "We're not communicating because we're not being spontaneous like you said we'd be.  I will not be labeled, here."

About a minute into his continuing diatribe, I said, "This probably isn't going to work," stepped out of the car, and said, "It was a pleasure to have met you."

Jerking Me Around

Submitted by Isaac:

Penny was in my tennis club in college and we partnered up on the court pretty frequently. I thought she was cool so I made arrangements to take her out to dinner, dessert, and maybe a walk.

At dinner, I discovered that she was very into herself. To the point of telling me the life story of her ex-boyfriends. Each of them. One was an aspiring astronaut. One was a physicist. One, a vegan, cried in her arms for two days straight after accidentally eating cheese.

Anything I said about myself was promptly ignored. Unless I talked about tennis. Or one of he ex-boyfriends.

When she did ask questions, they were weird on the order of, "Have you ever been naked in public?" "Have you ever worked as a garbage man?" "What's it like to want to fuck me?"

I filed these questions under "quirky." When we left for the coffee place, her behavior became even weirder. She pressed her phone to my ear. "Talk," she said, "It's my grandma."

"Hello?" an elderly voice came over the phone. "Who is this?"

Penny took the phone back and hung up. On her own grandma.

We made it to the dessert/coffee place when Penny stopped and said, "Let's get some jerky. There's a gas station rght across the street. They'll have jerky there."

"Jerky? Okay."

So we went to the gas station and I bought her gas station jerky because she didn't have any money. Let me tell you, she tore into this jerky like a Tyrannosaurus, complete with frustrated growls and snarls.

She looked up at me, watching me watching her. She said, "Think fast!" and smacked me, open palm, on the forehead.

Acting on impulse, I slapped the remainder of the jerky out of her hand and it landed on the ground. She shouted, "You son of a bitch! What the hell's your problem?"

All manner of colorful replies came to mind, but the most mature one won out. I said, "I think that we should call it a night."

The next time we did a tennis practice, she partnered up with me all smiles, as if nothing had happened between us. To this day, I wonder if she even remembers that we went out in the first place.

The Staring Horror

Submitted by Eric:

Valerie showed up to our date with a dozen red roses.  She said that she didn't like being bound by gender roles and that she wanted to do something nice for me.  I could have considered it impossibly forward, but I gave her the benefit of the doubt.  Maybe she was just nervous, or this was something nice that she really wanted to do.

Of course, it would have been easier to accept either of the two latter explanations if Valerie ever deigned to blink.  The girl's eyes hardly broke eye contact with mine for a moment, and they were wide and brown and unblinking.

Imagine eating dinner with the last person in the world who you'd want to have staring through your open window while you were engaged in sexual acts illegal in all 50 states (and Puerto Rico).  That's what this felt like.

"You don't have to keep looking at me," I said, after enduring a minute's uncomfortable silence the way a toddler would carry a sack of 200 bricks.

"Oh!  Sorry," she turned away, thenceforth avoiding eye contact with me for the rest of dinner... except for those times when I looked up at her and she glanced away quickly, as if I had caught her in a forbidden act.

She also didn't tell me much about herself, preferring to reflect all queries.  I'd say, "Do you like your job?"

She'd say, "I'm more interested in what you do."

So intent she was to deflect all inquiries that despite my best efforts, I ended up knowing next to nothing about her by the end of dinner.

We left the restaurant and she grabbed my hand tightly.  She brought our hands to her mouth, kissed them, and said, "This is beautiful."

I squeezed her hand reassuringly.  She squeezed tighter.  I said, "I appreciate it, but I think that we may be moving a bit fast.  It's only a first date."

She stared at me.  I couldn't take it.

"And please stop staring!" I said, "It's driving me nuts."

"I'm not staring."

"Yes you are.  You've been staring at me almost all night."

She stared at me.  "You're picking a fight with me over staring?"

"I'm not picking a fight.  I'm–"

She released my hand.  "Give me the roses back.  You're insane."

"No.  You gave them to me."

"I want them back."

"No."

She stared.  This time, I stared back.  She blinked.  I smiled.

"I win," I said, and walked away, roses in hand.

She sent me about a dozen texts that night and into the morning, each one about ten sentences, going on about how she had been hurt, how she wanted something precious, etc.  It was sad and ironic that I learned more about her after deciding not to see her anymore than I did on the date itself.

Tour of the Damned

Submitted by Marie:

I live near a historical district so when Mark and I started talking and he told me that he was a part-time tour guide in the area, I took him up on his offer of a tour-date.

The first warning bell rang when he suggested that we meet up for the tour after nightfall.  I thought that by night, it would make seeing certain sights a bit difficult, but he assured me that it would be fine.

He led me to a road bordering on a small forest.  He pulled out a flashlight and stood next to me.  "See that wall, off in the woods?  That used to be an old mill."

I asked him for more details, but he just said, "It was just an old mill."

Then he led me further down the road and shined the flashlight again into the trees.  He asked me if I saw a bare patch in the woods, about fifty feet off.  I didn't really, but I told him that I did.

He said, "That's where an old house stood, but it's gone, now."

No shit, Sherlock.  When did I sign up for the Captain Obvious tour?

Finally, he led me up a hill, where there was a little old well.  He said, "This well used to be a community well, but no one gets their water from here anymore."

I asked him, "When was it used as a community well?"

He replied, "I don't know.  Early 1700s, probably.  Come here," and leaned in for a kiss.

I stepped away.  He said, "I just gave you a tour.  I think that you ought to have something to show for it."

He came closer and I said, "How about after dinner?  It's cold out."

He seemed to accept this and led me off the hill.  On our way to dinner, I was able to text my friend, Sarah, my location and asked her for assistance.

Sure enough, during dinner, Sarah came by, acting as if she was coincidentally at the restaurant.  I invited her to pull up a chair to our table, and although I could tell that Mark was really annoyed, she stayed with us and I ended up leaving with her.

If anyone is ever vacationing in south Jersey (all none of you) then don't take a tour with this guy.

By "Good Date" I Mean "Bad Date"

Submitted by Angela:

Fred told me that he had a house that overlooked the ocean, complete with a back deck.  He invited me over to his place for a home-cooked dinner.

I arrived to discover that by "overlooked" he meant "ten blocks away from" and by "ocean" he meant, "reservoir."  His back deck had a pile of junk stacked in a corner as if he had taken five minutes before I had arrived to shove all of his stuff there.

I sat down to find that by "home-cooked," Fred meant, "lukewarm Ramen noodles and reheated Chinese food."

After we finished dinner, he asked me if I wanted to look at photos of his kids.  That's funny, Fred.  You never before mentioned that you had children.  We've been speaking for a month.  Or did you forget that you had them?  Are they also shoved amidst that forgotten pile of old paint cans, tarps, and power tools next to me on your deck?

He had shown me several pictures when I decided that I had enough.  I told him that I was ready to go, as I had to be up early the next day.

Fred seemed disappointed and said, "We didn't even get to hula."

I was about to ask him what he meant, when I decided that I'd be better off not.

Stormy Weather

Submitted by Brad:

Julie and I were counselors at a summer camp.  Of course, summer camp is full of hookups, but with Julie it was particularly intense.  Whenever the kids were out of sight, our mouths would be fastened together.

We had arranged to do a "date" of sorts (come on, it's summer camp) on our mutual half-day off.  When the day arrived, though, a colossal thunderstorm came out of nowhere and hit the camp directly.  Everyone scrambled for shelter, with most of the counselors herding their kids into their respective bunks.

After I had brought my charges into their bunk, there was a knock at our door.  It was Julie, soaked to the bone.  I invited her in, but she asked me to come outside with her.  There were three other counselors inside of my cabin, so I left to see what she wanted.

She pulled me to a nearby clump of trees and asked about our date.  I told her that given the weather, we'd have to reschedule.  She slapped me and stormed off.

I followed her and demanded to know what her problem was.  In response, she kissed me, but bit my lip so hard that I had to shove her away, which was an unfortunate choice, as she slammed backward, into a tree.

There was a soft crunching sound, which I hoped was the tree bark.  She sank to the ground and held her head.  I ran for the medic and had to explain the whole situation.  What a crappy day that was.

Open Water, Open Mouths

Submitted by Laurie:

Phil and I rented a paddle boat at an amusement park and took it out on a lake.  We had been having a nice time together up until then.

While we were out on the water, we were both quiet for a while.  Then, he turned to me and leaned in for a kiss.  This was my first time meeting him, and I wasn't completely comfortable with him just yet, so I turned my head.

He tried again, and again, I turned my head.  He groaned and asked, "Is there a problem?"

I told him not to take it personally.  I was flattered that he was attracted to me, but I wanted to take things a bit slower and learn more about him.

He said, "We've been learning more about each other this whole time.  What's wrong with a kiss?  Just one.  Come on."

He leaned in again, and this time I pushed him away gently.  He banged his fist on the side of the boat, and I nearly jumped out of it.  "Fine!" he shouted, and didn't talk to me for the rest of our time out on the water.

It's the most awkward thing in the world to be out in the middle of the water with a guy like this, and I couldn't wait to end the date and go home.

How Puzzling

Submitted by Rachel:

Greg invited me to a jigsaw puzzle date.  It was to be a night of putting puzzles together and it sounded unusual, so I was on board.

I arrived, we had a quick dinner, and he spilled out a puzzle.  As we put it together, I noticed that he wasn't too talkative.  In fact, he didn't talk at all.  I tried and tried to speak with him, but he barely even looked at me, his concentration was so focused.

Greg hadn't told me beforehand about his rule of not speaking while assembling puzzles.  He'd only speak at specified breaks, which were few and far between. By the time we had spent two hours together, he said perhaps five things to me.

At one point, as we were almost halfway done with one, he looked up at me and asked me the time.  He was wearing a watch and I said, "You tell me."

He looked down at his watch and said, "It's past ten.  Time for you to go."

So I went.  He called me up the next day, but I was too busy not assembling puzzles to assemble puzzles with him again.

Book Smart, But Not Street Smart

Submitted by Derek:

Cynthia showed up to our date with a big canvas bag of books. She asked if we could stop at the library first. I asked her why she didn't stop there on the way, and she said that she didn't want to be late. I told her that she could have called me and that I would have understood, but that I didn't have a problem accompanying her to the library. I even offered to help her carry her books.

The library was closed when we made it there. She was really upset, but there was nothing we could do. We had a date scheduled, and the books had to come along, as we had both taken public transportation.

Well, this was a heavy sack of books, let me tell you. We switched off carrying them back to the restaurant, and then for some reason she insisted on taking me to this dessert place that was way, way down the road.

"Maybe next time," I suggested, "Once we're not carrying a load of books."

"But I really want to go there," she whined.

"Next time," I said.

"You're assuming that there's going to be a next time," she said.

She was right, and I was finding her less and less interesting as the seconds ticked by.  So I said, "Let's just hit up a closer place.  Carrying these books anywhere more than a block is ludicrous."

She shouldered the books and said, "I'm going to this dessert place, whether you come with me or not."

"Fine.  I'll come.  Maybe we could take a taxi?"

She ignored this.  I offered to help her carry them there, but she insisted on carrying them the whole way, and took frequent breaks.  She was obviously upset at me.

I became bored about halfway there and told her good night.

Down at the Boardwalk

Submitted by Angel:

Paul and I met up at a local beach with a boardwalk. He ordered two ham sandwiches for us from a vendor, but I cut in quick to tell him that I was vegetarian.

He rolled his eyes and said, "Oh, you're one of those."

I smiled, as I wanted to assume that he was kidding. He turned back to the vendor and said, "One ham one," he pointed at me, "What the fuck do you want?"

Everyone's allowed one major slip-up on a date with me. One.

We sat down to eat our sandwiches and Paul regaled me with tales of the women he'd slept with. He asked me about what I did and what my interests were, but he didn't seem to care much about the answers, as if he was merely satisfying a question quota.

Once we were done with lunch, he asked me if I wanted to head out from the beach to go visit his cousin. I asked him what his cousin did and he said, "You ask a lot of questions. You coming or not?"

I told him that I wasn't sure if I wanted to go unless he gave me a few more details.

In a loud, slow voice, the same one that Americans use to speak to foreigners abroad, he said, "Do you want to go to my cousin's? That's all you're getting."

I told him that I wasn't interested, and he snorted, then walked away. I'm so pleased that he made it easy for both of us.

Romantic Comedy

Submitted by Jacob:

Annie picked out a movie for our first date.  She said over the phone that we were going to see some romantic comedy that I don't even remember the name of. 

I asked her if it was set in stone, because I'm not into romantic comedies.  Maybe we could pick something out together and compromise? 

She said that there was nothing else in theaters that she wanted to see, so it was that or nothing.  Then I asked her if we could possibly do something else, something we'd both like.

She hung up on me.  I tried calling her back, but she kept hanging up.  Oh well.

Putty for Brains

Submitted by Lisa:

Drew and I were at a mall, heading to a restaurant for dinner.  On our way, we passed by a toy store.  He bolted inside and stared at a rack of novelty items.

"Hell yes," he said, "They have funny putty!"

I asked, "You mean silly putty?"

He turned to me and said, "Silly putty sucks, and so do you!"

He then ran down an aisle, emerged with armfuls of stuffed animals, and threw them all at my face.

"Funny putty!  It's funny putty!" he said.

Some passing shoppers laughed, and I suggested, "Dinner?"

He lowered his voice and started poking me.  "Funny putty, funny putty," he said over and over.

That pretty much killed it, although he behaved himself well enough during dinner.  Of course, it didn't help that afterward, he jumped onto a horse sculpture at the mall and pretended to drink its urine.

A Chin-Suckin' Good Time

Submitted by Lindsay:

Ned was a guy I met online. He seemed normal enough from our phone conversation, so I decided to meet him in person.

We met and ate at a local sushi restaurant, then took a walk near the waterfront. We ended up sitting on a park bench, overlooking the water. Although I don't normally kiss someone on a first date, I was having such a good time that I decided to let him go for it when he leaned in.

The kiss started off normal enough, but then... imagine my surprise when he began...

...sucking my chin.

Apparently the guy had never kissed a girl before, or chin sucking was his big turn on, because even as I tried to pull away his suction was more than I thought it was.

I finally was able to push him away, to which he replied, "Too fast?"

I pretended like this was the case... even though the main problem was the terrible chin-sucking kiss. I even had a red, semi-bruised chin afterwords.

When he asked me out for a second date, I (falsely) claimed that I had met someone else. If I ever see another woman with a bruised chin walking around the city, I will know he has found his next victim!

Up, Up, and Away

Submitted by Vivian:

Drake asked me to meet him at the airport. Was he flying in from somewhere? No. He just wanted to go to the airport for our date.

We met up at a bar, where he came on like he owned the place. "Isn't this great? Have you ever been on a date in an airport before? Isn't this great?"

After he pounded back half a dozen drinks, he led me out of the bar and sat us near a big window, one that looked out onto the tarmac.

At first, I thought that he was humming to himself. Then I realized that he was making sound effects for the various planes, coming and going. Then he leaned over and repeated, "Have you ever been on a date in an airport before?"

I told him that I hadn't. At this point, I was planning my own "flight." This guy had paid more attention to his drinks than to anything else, he made airplane noises, and now he was looking at me, glancing at my lips, expectant.

I asked him why he had chosen an airport, and he told me that he was a guy who loved being different. I'm all for being different, but at least have a three-dimensional personality while doing it. This guy just drank and wanted more than I would ever be willing to give him.

I told him that I had a good time, but wanted to head back home. He lightly grazed his fingers over my arm and asked me if I'd rather find a custodian's closet and "take flight."

I told him, "No. I'd rather depart for home."

He put his head in his hands, mumbled, "Why does this always happen?" then looked out at the planes and said, "Fine. Bye."

Poor guy. Just sitting out there, looking at the planes...

Beware the Suspicious

Submitted by Tim:

My date with Ellen was going fine until I mentioned something about my friend, Sarah.  Ellen then started asking me questions about Sarah.  What did she do?  How long had we known each other?  Did we ever date?

The line of questions made me more and more uncomfortable, so I asked Ellen why she was so curious.  She said that she had an ex who cheated on her all of the time, so now she was naturally suspicious of every guy.

She began asking me about my other female friends and I told her that I really didn't want to be under suspicion for doing something that I hadn't even done.

After dinner, I felt her hand on my waist.  I thought that she was looking for my hand, but she actually reached into my pocket and grabbed my wallet!

I asked her what she was doing as I tried to grab it back.  She said that she just wanted to see if I had any contact information for other women in it.  I was able to take it back quickly, stuff it back into my pocket, and say a hasty goodnight.  God help the man she ends up with.

Incident at the Dinner Dance

Submitted by Karl:

Melissa was a regular at my gym and I kept catching her watching me. I asked her out for a date to a dinner dance that was sponsored by one of my clients (I'm an accountant). I asked her if she'd be into going, and she sounded really excited about it. I believe her exact words were, "Dinner? Dancing? Two of my two favorite things!"

However, once there, Melissa was pretty quiet. I chalked it up to nerves, and I cracked some jokes, trying to help her relax.

She didn't want to dance at all, and she barely touched her food. People, myself included, asked her if she was okay, and she barely responded to anyone.

I was tired of sitting and not talking all night, so I asked her to speak with me outside of the room for a moment. I told her that we could go someplace else.

She replied by saying that I had obviously taken her there to make other women jealous and that she didn't appreciate being used in that way.

Nothing was further from the truth, but no amount of words seemed to convince her otherwise. Again, I offered to take her somewhere else, but she became really patronizing and insisted on staying.

Fine. I went back in there, finished my dinner, stood up, and danced with everyone. When I glanced up to look for Melissa, she was gone.

Never Date A Juggler

Submitted by Samantha:

Sean took me to a charming little crafts village for our first date.  We were inside of a store with a homemade glass section and he asked me if I wanted to see him juggle.

Without waiting for a response, he grabbed four small glass bottles from a shelf and started juggling them.

The shopkeeper noticed in a hurry and she yelled for him to stop.  Sean yelled back, "I know what I'm doing, you fat bitch."

She stared at us for a second and then said, "Get the hell out of my store."

Sean kept juggling.  She strode out from behind her counter towards us.  Sean replaced the bottles on the shelf and grabbed my arm, heading for the exit.

While yanking me out, Sean smashed into a coffee table and yelled, "Ow!  My fucking leg!  Motherfucker!"

"Get out of my store!"

Sean, limping, dragged me out of the store and out to the street.  The shopkeeper kept after us.  Sean dropped my arm and ran off on his own.  I froze where I was.  The shopkeeper screamed in my face and told me that I was never welcome in her store again.

I wasn't the one who juggled her stock, and I certainly wasn't the one who called her a nasty name, so I wasn't about to let her get away with blaming me.  She turned back to her store and I called after her, "Fat bitch."

She whirled around but I was already hoofing it down the road.

Sean, the coward, called me up about a half hour later.  He asked, "Did you deal with her for me?"

We met up and I asked him to bring me home.

Seven Minutes of Bad Luck

Submitted by Stanley:

Cindy came out of her house and flopped down in the passenger side of my car, clearly upset about something.  I asked her what was wrong. 

She told me that she accidentally broke a mirror while getting ready.  I asked her if she hurt herself, and she said that she didn't.  I asked her if anyone else hurt themselves, and she said no.  I asked her if she was able to clean up the mess and she said that she was able to.  So I asked her what the problem was.

She looked at me like I was an idiot.  "Seven years of bad luck!" she said.

I told her that I didn't think that such things were true.

She said, "It is!  Why do you think people are so careful around mirrors?"

I replied that people might be careful because they didn't want to break them because shattered mirrors could be dangerous.  Not because of some superstitious voodoo gypsy curse thing.

She shut up for the rest of the date, clearly intent on starting her seven years of bad luck off on the right foot.

All Bad Dates Run to the Sea

Submitted by Tracy:

Max and I met up at a coffee place.  We talked for a while, and then took a walk by a river that goes through my town.  A path with a railing ran alongside it.

As we walked, Max stopped and climbed over the railing, holding onto it, though, so as to not fall into the river.  He told me that he used to do gymnastics in elementary school.  Then he asked me if I had ever had sex before.

I told him that I had.  He missed his footing and fell into the river!

I ran down to the bank to help him out and he pushed past me, soaking wet, telling me that he didn't want my help.  He stormed off, obviously not wanting to be followed.  I called after him, and he told me to go run back to once of those guys I had sex with.

Fork Off

Submitted by Nick:

I met Vicki on a train, on my way home from work. We were random commuters, sitting next to each other, but I struck up a conversation with her and she gave me her number. We had a lot to talk about, and it seemed promising.

She showed up twenty minutes late to our first date, at a restaurant, and didn't even apologize. That's a tough faux pas to overcome, but I gave her the benefit of the doubt.

She sat down and picked up a fork and said, "Ooh! Shiny!"

Just kidding around, I asked her, "Have you never seen a fork before?"

She threw the fork at my chest, really hard.  And it really, really hurt.

"What the hell?" I demanded, probably louder than I should have, but really, what the hell?

She shrank back into her seat and murmured, "Sorry.  It was just a joke."

"It's violent!  What were you thinking?"

She started to cry and wail, and several diners stared at us.  I slipped into damage control mode and planned to lean close to her, ask her to stop crying, and try and make things better.

Then, I remembered: bitch just threw a fork at me.  Hard.  Really hard.

I picked up my coat, said, "This was a bad idea," and left then and there.

Birthday Girl

Submitted by Kathleen:

Early on in my date with Paul, he asked me when my birthday was. I told him: March 1st.

A little less than an hour later, somehow or other we made it onto the topic of my birthday again. He asked me when it was, and I again told him: March 1st. He said that March 1st isn't what I said the first time. It was, but he gave me a funny look and got a lot quieter.

After dinner, he said that he wanted to take me to a jazz ensemble in which his friend performed. On our way there, he asked me again when my birthday was. "It's March 1st!" I repeated.

He shook his head and said that I wasn't being straight with him. I told him that my birthday really was March 1st.

He just seemed to stop being interested for the rest of the date, which made the rest of the date extremely long and uncomfortable.

I Think I Know Why Guys Lose Patience with You

Submitted by Bill:

Josie, at dinner, told me that she never had much luck with men.  She was an attractive 20-something with a solid career as a booking agent.  I asked her what went wrong, and she said that they always wanted what she couldn't give or else lost patience with her.

I asked her what about her they'd lose patience with and she told me that I'd possibly find out on my own.  When I asked her for a hint, she said, "See?  You're already losing patience."

I replied, "I'm not.  You made a statement and I'm curious."

"No," she said, "You're impatient.  Just like the rest of them."

I decided to drop it and moved on to ask her about her family.

Her response: "Don't you want to know why I haven't had good luck with guys?"

I said, "I just asked you about that.  You told me that I was impatient just like the rest of them."

She said, "You are.  It's a turn-off."

"Okay.  I don't care.  Tell me about your family, then."

"Now you're being spiteful!  Oh my god!  Chill out!"

I stared at her, unsure of what sort of game she was trying to play.  Very calmly, I said, "I'd like to change topics."

She said, "Can you give it a rest?  Just stop it!"

"What am I doing?"

She trembled, waved her hands around for a second, and closed her eyes.  Finally, she said, "Nevermind.  I don't want you making any more of a scene.  Let's just finish dinner and then say good night."

I was pleased to hear her finally talking sense.

Try Explaining That to the Fire Department

Submitted by Lisa:

Scott and I were both in the same community theater production of Arsenic and Old Lace.  He tried really hard to impress me, but came off as a lovable dork, so I ended up asking him out.

We decided to meet at a park and then walk to dinner.  On our way there, he climbed a tree alongside a road and made it up pretty high in the branches.  He then called down for me to join him.

I'm afraid of heights, but I hoisted myself up to the lowest branch.  He called for me to climb higher and join him.  He must have been about ten feet further up, and I didn't much feel like climbing that high, so I lowered myself to the ground, told him that I was impressed with his climbing prowess, and then asked him if he felt like coming down so that we could continue with the date.

He said that he wasn't going to come down until I climbed up to him.  I told him that I didn't want to, and so a bizarre sort of stalemate settled in.  It was becoming late and I was hungry and I kept asking him to come down.  He refused.

It went back and forth like this for a half-hour before I threatened to leave.  He said, "Fine!  Leave!"  I shrugged and left.  I kept glancing back to see if he'd try to follow me, but he just stayed up there.  I hope that the tree showed him a good time, because I sure wasn't going to.

Disconnected

Submitted by KP:

I agreed to go out with a guy I met at a party, against my better judgment.  He had been talking about his ex all night, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt and we went to dinner at his friend's restaurant.

He spent the night talking about his "connections" and beckoning the chef to bring us some special non-menu food. I mentioned that I don't eat meat or fish, and ended up with duck soup and fish for dinner. The night dragged on while he continually answered his phone and texted during the meal, to someone I soon found out was his ex.

We went to a bar where again, he showed off his connections with his friends who ran the place and again texted on his phone.

He asked if I wanted to leave, and on our way to my car, his friend tagged along. I had no idea what was going on until he said, "Hold on," and proceeded to sell him drugs during our date!

I decided not to bring it up, and instead dropped him off and never answered my phone again.

Yeah, Okay, Great

Submitted by Josh:

Amanda was a girl of few words.  Those words were  "Yeah, okay, great."  It would be her answer for everything.  I went up to greet her for our date.  "Hi Amanda, how are you?"

"Yeah, I'm great."

"Ready for dinner?"

"Yeah, okay, great."

She barely said a word the entire time and hardly made any kind of eye contact.  I tried to engage her on everything from news to entertainment to weather to sports, but she was either super shy or lacked social skills.  Or both.

I'd ask, "Are you ready to order?"

She'd reply, "Yeah."

I's ask, "What do you like to do for fun?"

"I don't know.  Just hang around."

"You hang around for fun?"

"Yeah, okay, great."

This became tiresome, but I still didn't want to give up on her.  "Want to take a walk?" I asked after dinner.

"Yeah, okay, great."

"You sure say that a lot," I said, jokingly.

"What do you want me to say?  I don't like talking much."

"We don't have to talk, then."

"Yeah, okay, great."

After a short, short walk, I drove her home.

Two Diners Passing in the Night

Submitted by Shira:

I was waiting for my date, Don, at a restaurant when he called to tell me that he'd be late. I asked him how late, and he just answered, "Late."

My limit on lateness (especially when unspecified) is about 20 minutes. I waited at least that for Don without hearing from him, and even decided to wait for ten extra minutes. I called his phone. No answer.

I was on my way home when he called, as I kind of had a feeling he would. He asked where I was and I told him that I had left, since I had no idea how late he was going to be. He became really upset and asked me to turn around.

I returned to the restaurant and surprise, surprise, no Don. I called him and there was no answer. I waited five minutes and he called. He said, "Hey, I changed my mind about that place. I'm at another place now. Meet me there?"

We were close to an hour over when our date was supposed to have begun. I told him that I liked the first restaurant and that if he wanted to meet me, he could come back there.

He threw a ridiculous temper tantrum over the phone and I hung up on him. He called me back a few times and I kept hanging up on him until he stopped.

How Is a Bad Date Like a Writing Desk?

Submitted by Vanessa:

Zachary picked me up and asked me what I wanted to do.  I suggested an early dinner.  He took me to an Ikea.  He explained that he wouldn't be longer than a few minutes.  He wanted to pick out a new desk for his home office.

Forty minutes later, he hadn't decided between these two models that seemed, function-wise, exactly the same.  He sat behind one.  Then the other.  Then the first one again.  Then the other.  I asked him if he would be ready to grab dinner soon, and he told me to be patient.

After we had spent about an hour there, he decided on neither.  He said that he could probably find a cheaper one somewhere else.  I then asked him again if he was ready for dinner, and he said that he wasn't that hungry.  I suggested a cafe, but he again said that he wasn't hungry.

He then suggested parking somewhere and making out.  I asked him to take me home.  He told me that that was a stupid idea, but honestly, I think it was the best one that either of us floated all night.

Glowers and Flowers

Submitted by Harry:

Before we met, Stella and I traded e-mails and at one point we got on the topic of flowers.  She said that she liked them very much, especially wildflowers.  I thought it would be nice to bring her a small bouquet of them and then bring her to a botanic garden for a first meet-up.

I have to confess that I don't know much about flowers, so I went to a local florist and asked for wildflowers for the bouquet.  When I brought them to Stella, I told her that they were wildflowers, just as she liked, but she said, "Uh... these aren't wildflowers."  Okay.  It was nice of me to bring you flowers in the first place, wasn't it?

When we went to the botanic garden, she complained about her feet the entire time.  There was plenty of walking to be sure, although I asked her over and over if she wanted to sit down or even if she wanted to go somewhere else, like a tea shop or somewhere where we could just sit.  She said that she'd be fine, but whenever there was more walking, she'd complain again.

I became tired of her complaints, so we ended up at a coffee place after all.  It was an independent little shop, and she complained about their tea selection.  We sat down and she complained about the seats.  Then she complained about how warm it was.  She asked a barista to turn the heat down, which they did.  Then she complained about how cold it was.  "They turned it down really low just to spite me," she said.

She took a phone call right in the middle of the date.  "I'm on a date," she told whoever it was who was calling.  She continued, "It's going okay.  Nothing amazing."

After her call was over, I finished my tea and offered to take her home.  "That's it?" she asked, "We're not doing anything else?"

I'd be doing plenty more, just not with her.

Take Me Away from You

Submitted by Farah:

Tim took me to a dinner/music club.  As soon as the music started, he jumped onto the dance floor, our dinner not even having been served yet.  I followed him up there, as it seemed like fun.

What wasn't fun was when the band did a cover of Toto's Africa, and he yelled out, "That's not how it goes!" and jumped up on stage, grabbed the lead's microphone, and sang a couple of words before they tackled him and kicked us out of the club, complete with a lifetime ban.

Tim blamed me, upset that I had chosen a place that allowed a band that played bad covers.  He dropped me off and never contacted me again.

The Mouth on Her

Submitted by Joe:

Kelly was a girl from the Internet and we hit it off online.  In person, though, she did this weird thing with her mouth that could really only be described as "slow chewing."  She would just move her lips up and down and out and in.  Constantly.  Like she was trying to scratch an itch with her mouth.

Whenever she wasn't talking, she would do it, and even when she spoke, it was all I could think about.  When she's done talking, she's going to do that weird thing with her mouth again.  I know it.  She's done talking!  There!  She's doing it!  WTF?

She didn't make any mention of it, so it took me a lot of willpower to force my attention away.

At a coffee place we went to, we bumped into Frank, a friend of mine.  I introduced Kelly and sure enough, she was up to her mouthy shenanigans again.

Frank, however, held back a little less than I did.  He asked her, "Is your mouth okay?  It keeps moving."

She said, "Yeah, my mouth is fine," but kept doing it even more intensely than ever.

We stared at her.  I asked, "Are you sure you're okay?"

She nodded, and her mouth went berserk, all hummingbird firecracker crazy.  Faster and faster.  She covered it and stood up, bumping her chair.

"Oh my god," she said, "I have to go, like, right now."

I followed her out, but she clearly didn't want to be followed.  To this day, I have no idea what it was all about.

College Not-So-Sweethearts

Submitted by Beth:

Bill was a friend from college, one of those, "Why didn't we ever date?" kinds of friends. We never dated, but we got along well, although we lost touch after college.

Five years later, he called me out of the blue. He told me that he was in town on business and wanted to meet up for drinks. I was really happy that he called.

Dinner, drinks, and a few flirts later, we were back at my place, making out with a hungry, devouring passion. It was mind-scrambling.

Clothes were being ripped off by the time we made it to my bed, and he whispered that there actually hadn't been a business trip — he came to town just to see me.

I was amazed and flattered, but also a little confused. Why me? Why now?

He said that he had chosen me and that he did not make such choices lightly.  What sort of choice did he mean? Why, he had chosen to leave his wife, his three kids, and his job for me! What a sweet guy!

I told him in no uncertain terms that I was uninterested. He said that it was too late, that he had already initiated divorce proceedings, and that I had no real choice in the matter.  He had done everything with me in mind.  "We're supposed to be together," he repeated.

I told him that he was insane if he thought that I would ever consider such an arrangement.

He got furious and began calling me "bitch," "whore," "stupid," etc.  I hadn't done anything!  I didn't even know that he was married until that moment in the bedroom!

He crossed the line with, "This is all because of you!  You ruined my life!"

I told him to get out of my apartment, and he raised a hand to me.  Using what I learned in those kickboxing classes, I punched him in the jaw and kicked at him.  Then, I advanced on him again, screaming, "Get out!  Get out!  Police!  Get out!"

He grabbed his clothes and ran out of my place.  I slammed and locked the door behind him.  My heart was beating so fast that I thought I would die, and it took all the courage I could get to even leave my apartment for the next few months.

Strip it on Down

Submitted by Rick:

Julia and I met at a political event.  She really was something special, and was a pleasure to debate with and to talk to.  We made a date.

Over the course of the date, she asked me what the grossest thing that I ever did was.  A couple of years earlier, I was the best man at my older brother's wedding.  At the bachelor party, we booked a private room at a strip club, and the strippers made my brother and I strip and do all sorts of things (with the strippers, not each other).  It was pretty sick to see my brother doing the various things that one does while clothing-less at a strip club, but it was all in fun.

Julia became really quiet and I asked her what was wrong.  She said, "I'm sorry, I don't date guys like you."

I asked her what she meant by that, and she said, "Guys who would fuck a stripper."

I said that I didn't fuck a stripper.  First off, that would've been nasty as anything.  Secondly, if I had tried, the bouncers would've thrown me out of there, with or without clothes.

Julia wouldn't listen to reason and was quiet for the rest of the date.  When I was ready to end it and wish her goodnight, she asked me, "Do you think I'd make a good stripper?"

What a loaded question.  I said, "You can do anything if you set your mind to it."

She said, "Because I would never fuck you, not in a million years."

Oooooooookay.  Date over.

Something Smells Funny

Submitted by Joan:

Craig told me that he was running late for our date and would have to show up right from work.  When he did show up, he wore a wrinkled, old business suit that he wore as if he had been catapulted into it.  Also, the stench from him was horrific.

Instead of sitting across from me at the restaurant where we were meeting, he sat next to me in the booth.  I slid away from him and asked him if he wouldn't mind sitting across from me, as I preferred to be able to talk across a table.

His response?  "Yowza.  Swing and a miss!"  He moved to the other side of the table, and came off as a used car salesman, but instead of selling used cars, he was selling himself.

"Well, I have a healthy amount of sexual experience.  I've been told that I'm a great lay, but how would I know?  I don't fuck myself," he said with a grin, then leaned across the table.  "Of course, the only way to know is to find out."

I lied, "I'm not too into sex."

He leaned back and said, "You will be once you've had a taste."

I couldn't help myself.  I said, "I can only imagine how you taste, given that you smell like horse shit."

He stared at me, then stood up, said, "Okay," and left.  Considering who I was on the date with, it went terrifically, from my point of view.

A Few Rolls Short of a Baker's Dozen

Submitted by Gary:

Lorraine worked in a bakery not far from my house.  I was a regular there most mornings, and she and I really hit it off.  She'd give me a free homemade bagel or roll most days.  I asked her out for lunch for a following weekend and she accepted.

Over the course of the date, we talked about her job at the bakery.  I told her how much I appreciated the free goodies she set aside for me.  She then asked me something weird.  She asked if I would mind eating them in front of her the next time that she gave me something.

As I would usually stop by the bakery on my way somewhere, it wasn't always possible for me to stop there for too long.  I asked her why she felt it was important that I eat the food in front of her.

She said that she had an ex-boyfriend who threw a bag of rolls at her one day, and she wanted to be sure that I wouldn't one day throw a roll that she gave me at her.  She then said that I'd probably throw it at her too, someday.

I explained that throwing rolls or bagels is not something that I typically do, but she wouldn't let up.  She pressed the point so much that by the end of the conversation I had promised to not only eat everything that she gave me right in front of her, but that I would also never walk into the bakery in a bad mood.

This was way too weird for me, so I didn't see her again and found another bakery, where I gladly paid for my breakfasts.

Killing One Date with Two Stones

Submitted by Dorian:

Dana told me right when our date began that she wasn't yet over Jacob, her ex-boyfriend.  I suggested postponing the date, but she seemed really into it.  She suggested a good place, and off we went.

After we were seated, she kept looking towards the doorway, as if expecting someone.  I asked her if everything was all right, and she said that it was.

It wasn't really.  A guy walked in and she visibly stiffened.  They made eye contact and he walked up to our table.  He asked her what she wanted and why she had asked him to meet her there, in the restaurant.

She introduced him as Brad, Jacob's older brother.  She asked Brad all sorts of questions about how Jacob was doing and what he was up to.  Brad patiently answered all of her questions, both of them seeming to forget that I was there.

Finally, I piped up, "So Dana, you asked me to this restaurant but arranged for Brad here to meet us so you could find out information about Jacob?"

She rolled her eyes and said that I was making it sound too dramatic.  I repeated myself again for clarification, and she conceded that I was correct.

Once this was confirmed, I stood up, put my napkin on the table, gestured for Brad to sit, said, "You can talk more comfortably this way," and left.

Gym Rat

Submitted by Claudia:

Eric asked me out after months of flirting at the gym. I was so excited and couldn't wait for our date.

He took me out to an Italian restauant where we talked about him the entire time. I began volunteering information about myself, but he never seemed curious or asked me a follow-up question. Was he just being nervous?

He excused himself to go to the bathroom when a girl in a black coat and sunglasses walked by and slipped a note onto the table. It read, "Get out of here. He's going to rape you."

I looked around, suddenly afraid — who was that woman? How long had she been watching?

When he came back, I asked him if he knew the handwriting. He shuddered and said that it was his ex-girlfriend's. He paid the check and we left.

Once we were outside, the girl in the black coat and sunglasses came up to us. She grabbed my wrist and pulled me towards a wall, but I broke away and slapped her.

I heard Eric saying, "Jenny! What are you doing?"

She turned to him and buried herself in his chest, then whispered something I couldn't hear. Eric looked up at me and asked, "Can you give us a couple of minutes? Jenny and I need to talk."

I intended to take a walk around the block. A couple of minutes turned out to be 20 minutes, and I gave up on Eric and the whole affair.

He called me an hour later to apologize and ask where I was. I told him that I thought the whole date was a catastrophe from start to finish, and good luck with life. I never saw him at the gym again after that.

Watch Out Boy, She'll Chew You Up

Submitted by Mark:

I met Brenda online, and I eventually asked her if she wanted to hang out with me and she agreed for me to meet her at her place.

She invited me inside her apartment, and once inside I felt as if Welcome to the Jungle should've been playing, as there were pictures of tigers everywhere.  I thought it was a little much and went to sit down on the sofa ... which was covered with a blanket with a tiger on it.

While talking to her she showed me pictures of her family, but then all of a sudden she showed me a picture of some guy and said, "This is David."

"Who?"

She rolled her eyes and said, "David, my ex." I remembered her mentioning him once before, but I had no idea why she was showing me his picture.

She then showed me pictures of guys she had met online.  She said, "They want to get with me but I don't want to see them."

It was getting late and I was getting tired of looking at tigers and men that wanted her, so I was about to tell her I was going to leave when she said, "I have a really cool drawing but it's in my room and it's a mess."

I agreed to look at it.  We entered her bedroom and I beheld the drawing hanging above her bed like a mantlepiece.  It was a horse being attacked by what looked like a miniature lion with Down's Syndrome.

Trying not to explode in laughter, I turned around to leave the room.  She was not even a foot from me and wore the smirk of an evil clown. She asked, "Do you like it?"

I smiled and said, "It's great, but I have to go."

In the following days, she called and texted me, but I couldn't get the picture of the ugly lion out of my head.  It still haunts me today.

Every Cloud Has a Beer-Soaked Lining

Submitted by Phil:

Amy and I went to dinner, and she pounded back drink after drink.  After dinner, she suggested that we hit up a bar where some of her friends would be.  Thinking that this would be a good way to ingratiate myself amongst her friends, I agreed, although I suggested that she stop drinking for the night, since she was already having trouble walking.

She didn't listen, and continued drinking at the crowded bar.  She began blabbing about how guys found her irresistible and that she would be able to pick up any guy in the place.  I told her that I believed her, but I didn't really feel comfortable with her proving it.  After all, I assumed that we were still on our date.

Sure enough, a guy began chatting her up, the light touches started, the close talking, and... well, she kissed him.  A lot.

Thereafter, I turned my attention to Amy's friend Lianne.  Lianne was far closer to sober, had a much better sense of humor, and seemed way more interested in me than Amy was.

Lianne and I had to have been talking for an hour or so when Amy burst in between us.  She said to Lianne, "Hey, this is my date."

Lianne said, "You wouldn't think so."

Amy snarled and turned on her friend.  "You leave him alone!  He's mine!  He's mine!"  Amy wrapped her arms around me.

I disengaged her and slipped my arm around Lianne.  I said, "Sorry, but I'm spoken for," and kissed Lianne right on the spot.

It was probably an asshole thing to do, but man, was it hot.  Amy did some fancy head-jerking movements, then turned around and let us be.

Amy never spoke to me again after that, although, let's be honest here, she was so obliterated that she probably doesn't even remember why.

Who Says That Guys Don't Do Romance?

Submitted by Mary:

John and I worked together and had a subtle, flirty relationship.  After a few months, he finally asked me out on a date and I said yes.

 

Dinner went really well, despite the random, smart-ass put downs he spouted at me.

 

After dinner, we thought we'd go to a bar for drinks.  The whole time there, his phone buzzed every few minutes and he was continually texting.  He said that his friend lived above the bar and would possibly stop down and hang out with us (on our first date!).

 

I went to the bathroom and asked him to watch my bag.  When I came back, he had walked outside to smoke a cigarette, leaving my bag on the table.  He did it again when I went to put songs on the jukebox.  He started making more asshole-ish, sarcastic put downs, which was not helping.   Thank God his friend never showed.

 

I was totally over the date by that point, and told him that I would walk him home and then catch a cab.  The block before we had to turn towards his apartment he froze in his tracks.  When I asked what was wrong, he said, "That wasn't my friend I was texting.  It was my girlfriend.  And she's waiting on the front steps of my apartment."

 

I turned around in silence and hailed the first cab I saw.  The worst part was that I had to see him at work on Monday!

Footloose

Submitted by Angela:

Ben was a friend of a friend.  He showed up to the date without shoes.  Or socks.  Or any footwear of any kind.  His feet were filthy and had so much dirt under his toenails that I wondered if he had ever washed them.

I asked him flat out, "Where are your shoes?"

He said, "I'm an ascetic."

I said, "Where can we go that won't mind the fact that you're not wearing shoes?"

"No one will notice."

They noticed all right.  We hit up three restaurants, each of whom with a host/hostess who promptly showed us the door.  Ben became more and more frustrated.

"They're infringing on my religious beliefs," he said.

I asked him, "You don't normally have this problem when you go out?"

He said, "I don't normally go out.  I'm too busy dreaming."

Not long after, he broke away from me and hurried across a street.  I had guessed that he had seen something of interest on the other side of the road, but he collapsed to the ground in the middle of the street.

Apparently, he stepped on something.  Blood dribbled out from the bottom of his right foot, and he sat there in the middle of the road, calmly fishing out the sliver of glass or metal or whatever it was. 

When he was done, he stood up and limped about.  He turned to me and said, "I think that we're done, here.  You probably prefer a guy who wears shoes."

That made me sound superficial, but I kind of do prefer a guy who takes good care of himself and keeps himself clean.  Thus we parted ways.

Did She Know it Was a Date?

Submitted by Patrick:

Erica met me at a restaurant wearing a giant, faded Green Lantern t-shirt that hung down to her thighs.  It had to have been a nightshirt, but she was wearing it out to our date.  I couldn't help but point out that it was a curious choice.

She said that she didn't see anything wrong with it.  Okay, then.

During dinner, she spilled her soda, her ketchup, her burger juices, and her water onto her shirt.  It was pretty gross.

Just after the check came, she made a face like a bullfrog and belched louder than I've ever heard anyone belch before.  She covered her mouth instantly and said, "Excuse me," but nothing she said could've helped at that point.

Don't Lose that Number

Submitted by Russell:

I met Andrea on the Internet, then took her out for dinner and coffee.

Early on, she got a phone call that she said that she had to take.  I thought it was pretty rude, especially when most of the conversation on her end included phrases such as, "So did he ask you for your number?"  "What was he wearing?"  "He did not say that!"  "And you let him do it?"  "Ha ha ha ha ha, what a loser!"

About five minutes were spent like this when she said that she had another call coming through.  She switched and this one was even more interesting.  "Where are you?"  "I can't hear you."  "Can I call you back?"  "Where are you?"  "Where are you?"  "Where are you?"  "Where are you?"

I frowned at her.  She mouthed, "Sorry," but remained on the phone.

A minute later, she hung it up, then dialed a number.  She said, "Sorry.  I have to call my friend back.  Boy trouble."

"Was tonight a bad night for this?" I asked, meaning the date.

She said, "Don't be silly.  Let me just call my friend back.  Drama!"  She smiled at me, but I didn't return the smile.

Finally, I excused myself to go to the bathroom and called her up myself.  "Hello?" she answered.

I said, "Hi Andrea.  How are you?"

She was silent, then asked, "What are you doing?  I don't understand."

I said, "This is the only way I figured we'd be able to talk tonight.  How's everything?  What are you up to?"

Silence.  Then, "I have to go.  My friend's waiting on the other line."

Ah, fun.  She was off the phone by the time I went back to the table, but I was thoroughly checked out of that date by then.

The Museum Incident

Submitted by Samantha:

Daniel approached me at a bar when I was out with friends. He seemed genuinely friendly and his flirting was very subtle so I liked him immediately.

Our date was at the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York City. He knew a lot about the different collections, especially the ancient art exhibits.

At one point, he must have overheard two nearby people talking. I didn't hear what they were talking about, but Daniel was suddenly in one of their faces, there was some shouting, and Daniel and whoever this other guy was came to blows.

They wrestled to the floor, and I stepped back. There was a high-pitched noise, like an electronic whistle, and a security guard came over to us and told us to leave the museum immediately.

Daniel stalked all the way outside without saying a word to me. When we were finally out and I again asked him what it was all about, he told me that the guy he had overheard had reminded him of the guy with whom his former girlfriend had cheated. He said that he wasn't sure if it was him, though.

I said, "So you may have just picked a fight with a random stranger?"

Then he got defensive and said, "You have no idea how that bitch hurt me!  Of course you wouldn't know!  You're just some fucked up bitch, too!"

I replied, "You obviously don't know either, since you can't even identify that guy she cheated on you with!  You crazy asshole!" and stomped away.  Part of me was hoping that he'd follow me, so that he'd make a further moron out of himself, but he didn't.  Probably for the best.

A Night with the Toothpick Palace Architect

Submitted by Rachel:

Joesph took me out to dinner and I knew something was wrong as soon as we sat down.  He began... building something invisible on the table with his hands, like he was using building blocks, only there weren't any building blocks there.

"What are you doing?" I asked him.

He looked up at me.  "I'm building a toothpick palace."

He continued building throughout our drink order, our food order, and after he rushed through his dinner, went right back to building.

When the check came, he smashed his fist down on the table, making me jump out of my skin and freak out everyone sitting nearby.

He looked up at me and said, "I didn't like how it was coming out, so I smashed it.  Sorry."

I invented a story about having lots of homework to do, and I went straight home.

One Slight Hiccup

Submitted by Mark:

Ashley asked me to pick her up at her place for our first date.  When I got there, I called her.  No answer.  I knocked on her door.  No answer.  I knocked on a window.

A light went on.  She came to the door in a bathrobe.  "Yes?"

This was a little surprising.  I asked, "Ashley?  It's Mark.  We have a date tonight."

She glanced over her shoulder and said, "Tonight's no good.  My boyfriend's over.  I'll call you?"

I didn't have a chance to respond before she closed the door.

Dinner and a Haircut

Submitted by Ellen:

Peter offered to take me out for dinner, drinks, and dancing.  All of the above sounded good to me, but when I met up with him at the restaurant, he said, "I was thinking that we'd head back to my place after dinner."

I wasn't too comfortable with the idea, and told him so.  He shrugged and said, "Suit yourself."

After a short dinner in which I kept up the vast majority of the conversation, he asked if I'd stop with him on a quick errand.

I followed him down a couple of blocks, into a barber shop, where he got a haircut.  Once it was done, we walked outside and he said, "It was nice meeting you.  Have a good night," and walked back to his car.

WTF?  If you had already obviously decided that you didn't want to date me after the first ten minutes, then why ask me to come with you to watch you get a haircut?

Say it Loud

Submitted by Michael:

Betsy and I talked on the phone a few times before meeting up, and I'm not exaggerating when I tell you that she had the loudest voice in the world. First I thought that the volume was way up on my telephone, and then I thought that maybe my hearing had markedly improved. It was neither of these things. Betsy's voice was louder than a can of Raid in a microwave.

Maybe it was just over the phone. Maybe in person she'd be quieter.

Nope. In person she was so loud that I needed earmuffs. On our way to dinner, I asked her if she wouldn't mind speaking a bit softer. After all, I was sitting right next to her and was not across, you know, a stadium.

She said, "Oh. I'm too loud? Fine! I'll just shut up!" and she was quiet for the rest of the date. I tried to tell her that I didn't mean it to be mean, but she didn't seem to care or else was insane.  She barely said a word for the rest of the date.

Come Back When You're Keith Richards

Submitted by Jayna:

I met Ralph online.  He said that he was a guitarist. We talked for a couple of weeks and he said that he wanted to play his guitar for me in person. I thought that it was a nice idea, and we made plans to meet up for a picnic.

The day of the date, he called me up to tell me that he was outside of my house, ready to go. I went downstairs and opened the door.

He stood there with his acoustic guitar, and as soon as he saw me, he started ripping away at it with no chords that I recognized. He played it as if it was his first time playing it, accompanied by loud, screamy vocals.

I cringed throughout, and at the end of his set, he hoisted the instrument by its neck and smashed it, full force, onto my stoop, missing me by mere inches. I screamed and jumped back.

"Hi," he said, "I'm Ralph. Was that sexy or what?"

I had nothing to say.  No words came out.  I froze.

He stepped towards me.  "Kiss me," he said.  At that moment, sense kicked in and I stepped back and closed the door.  He waited outside for a long time, then left, leaving his shattered guitar all over my porch.

Bright. Shiny. Carpeting.

Submitted by Jake:

Helena and I were on our way to dinner when we passed by a store with an unhealthy amount of neon in its windows.

Helena got really excited and asked me to stop to see what it was. I told her that it was a carpet store. She asked if we could stop there anyway and said that she had Attention Deficit Disorder and was attracted to bright, shiny things. I told her that maybe we could go after dinner.

All through dinner, she talked about how she couldn't walk into arcades, bookstores, or onto beaches because they would overstimulate her and drive her mad. She kept playing with her silverware and staring up into the lights like a catatonic moth.

Right after we were done with dinner, she said that she wanted to visit the carpet store. I never imagined taking a date to a carpet store, but there we went.

The store was empty, and the lonely salespeople were desperate, approaching us like drowning men, straining for a life preserver. Helena went right for the neon lights and stared at them. I pretended to be browsing for carpeting.

After ten minutes, I went up to her and asked her if she was ready to go. She mumbled that the lights were so pretty, then tore herself away from them and let me drive her home.

She told me that she had a nice time. At least one of us did.

A Personal Problem

Submitted by Anthony:

During my date with Lisa, she kept scratching her ass.  She just wouldn't stop.  It was distracting to all hell.

We went mini-golfing after dinner, and she used the club to scratch herself.  I finally asked her, "Everything okay back there?"

She said, "It's a personal problem."

We went on for more mini-golf, but it became out of hand when she started sitting on the green, watching me putt, and dragged her ass from side to side, like a dog does, over a carpet.

It was really distracting the entire time, and it was impossible for me to think about anything else.  Even when the date was over, that's all I was able to think about.  She was at it non-stop.  I hope she's okay.

By "I Own a Boat," I Mean, "I Don't Own a Boat."

Submitted by Paula:

Adam picked me up for our date, and had apparently contracted a taxi cab for the night, as he said that his car was in for repairs.  The cabbie's name, according to the information in the back of the taxi, was Asif.  Adam was sure to point that out.

"As if!" he said in an Alicia-Silverstone-from-Clueless (what's she up to now, by the way?) sort of way.  "As if!"

The cabbie corrected him, "Asif.  It's Asif."

"As if!" Adam continued.  Well, it made me crack a smile, but I didn't think that it was too nice.

At dinner, Adam said that he was trying to make as much money as he could so that he could retire by 35.  He also said that he owned a boat and asked if I wanted to see it after dinner.

I asked him what he did for a living.  He said that he was in business and didn't say anything else, not even when I pried him for more.

After dinner, we went to a marina, where his boat was docked.  There was a fence around it and he said that he forgot the key and that we'd have to hop the fence.

I asked him if he really owned a boat, and he got angry and said, "I'm no fucking liar.  Don't you cop out on me, now."

I hopped the fence along with him and we stole down to the docks.  He jumped into a small boat and tried the door.  It was locked.  I asked him if he forgot his key again and he kicked the door open.

He walked inside but I stayed on the dock.  He called me down to join him, and I asked him if he was planning to take it out on the water.  He said, "Of course not!  It's in the dock!  Get in here!"

I didn't like the idea of breaking into a boat that clearly didn't belong to this guy, so I stayed where I was.  He popped out and said, "I want to do it in my boat, so let's go."

I remained on the dock until I told him that I saw a security guard (which I didn't).  He said, "Get in here, quick!" but I went in the other direction.  He followed me out as I hopped the fence.

Once we were outside of the marina, he said, "Well, you killed that mood."

Noted.

You're My Problem

Submitted by Lawrence:

Kelly said that she'd meet me at the movie theater.  She showed up 40 minutes late for the film, after not having picked up when I called her to see if everything was all right.

She came up to me and said, "I was waiting at the mini-golf place down the road when I remembered that we were going to a movie!"

I said, "Well, we're late to this one, so we can catch another one or do dinner first and then come back for a later showing."

She said, "Well, I'm going into this movie, since that was our plan, and I don't break my plans."

I could have pointed out that agreeing to meet at a particular time and place and then not doing that could have qualified as plan-breaking, but whatever.  She was there, and that was fine.

Going into a theater almost an hour late for the movie didn't make much sense to me, and I again suggested another film or a later one.  She said, "What wasn't clear?  I agreed to see this movie, and we're going to see it.  I'll even see it without you, because I agreed to see it.  What's the problem?  What's the problem?  I mean, are you really having that much trouble understanding me?"

I turned back towards the parking lot and said, "Let's grab dinner, first.  We were going to do a movie and dinner anyway."

She grabbed me from behind. "What the hell are you doing?  You don't leave me at the movie theater!  No one leaves me behind!  I don't have any money for the movie!  What's the big idea?  We had a date!"

I took a deep breath.  "You're flying off the handle at me for no reason."

"Because you're making a big deal out of this whole thing!  What's the problem?  What's the problem?  What's the problem?"

I turned again to leave.  She grabbed me again, but I ripped her arm away and yelled, "Stay the fuck away from me!  You're my problem!"

Everyone in the lobby turned their heads, and I left her standing there.

Food for the Forest Demon

Submitted by Dale:

Alex picked me up at my house and handed me a blindfold. He said that he was taking me somewhere that was a surprise.

I don't care what you say, but asking anyone to wear a blindfold on a first date is pretty forward—I don't even know you, yet! I asked him if it would be all right if I didn't wear the blindfold, or if whatever the surprise was could wait until a future date, when I would be a bit more comfortable with him.

He replied by saying, "What's the problem? It's perfectly safe," tying the blindfold over his eyes, and stumbling around my front yard.

"Let's just go to dinner," I suggested.

He took me to a Dairy Queen. "Ice cream on a first date!" he announced when we were inside, "The royal treatment for you."

After ice cream, I suggested a walk, but Alex had other plans. He took me to a local park where he claimed sat a ridge from which you could see the entire town.

The "ridge" ended up being a grove of trees, one of which had graffiti on it so that it resembled a grotesque, demonesque face with big, big eyes.

"It's Lakolathu!" he said, "The god of the ridge!"

I asked him why he had brought me to a place that was clearly not a ridge. He only pointed again at the tree and said, "See? Lakolathu! Raar!"

"Do you think you could take me home?" was my next question. He did, but begrudgingly.

I checked and double-checked each of my locks before going to bed that night.

When in France

Submitted by Sam:

I met Colette, a cute French exchange student, at college and we went on two great dates just before she had to return to France to continue her studies.  It never got more serious than a sweet goodbye kiss, and I was bummed that she had to go so soon.  I thought that would be the end of it but it turned out we loved conversing via e-mail.  She invited me to visit her in Paris. 

Soon after I accepted Colette's invitation via e-mail, she mentioned Jacques, a classmate she was studying with nightly with in her flat, a guy who was "only a friend," and that it was "very nice" studying with him each night.  We would be staying at his parents' house outside of Paris during their spring break.  After a few days with her friends, Colette and I would take off alone to her family's country home in the Massif Central region. 

She said, "He's not my boyfriend!  There's nothing serious between us.  You won't find yourself between us."

I believed her and bought the tickets.

My first night with her at Jacques's house, she went out of her way to point out and make a big deal out of almost every faux pas that I made during dinner (hey, I'm new here and I'm trying!).  We slept in separate rooms, but at one point in the night, I saw Jacques slip down the hall, enter Colette's room, and he never came out.  WTF?

Next day, she and I with some of her friends walked around the streets of Paris, and as soon as we separated from the crowd a little, I asked her about the last night. 

She hissed, "You don't own me!  I am not yours!" 

A little later we checked out a movie poster.  She asked if I was familiar with the obscure French movie star portrayed.  I said no.  She looked embarrassed by my reply in front of her friends and quickly looked away from me.  The entire day went like this, and her shallowness was astounding.

When we finally made it to her parents' country place, she wanted to spend most of her time watching French movies, with no subtitles, on the DVD player.  When we finally did screw around, it was among the most joyless, sad experiences that I've ever had.

So a couple of days later, at the Clerment-Ferrand train station we bid our adieus, and without realizing it I backed away from her to head to my seat, without giving her a kiss.  She was stunned, and said angrily, "No kiss?"  I had committed my final faux pas.

The train sped off and what a huge relief.  For the first time in many days I paid attention to the French countryside, and fell in love with it.

I Missed a Planetarium Show for This?

Submitted by Lou:

Maggie spent most of our coffee date telling me all about her ex-boyfriends: what they did, what she liked about them, what she didn't like about them, how they broke up with her, and how she got revenge on each of them.  I was done with Maggie after this discussion, but Maggie had other plans.

"Let's go to a planetarium show at the science museum tonight!" she suggested.

I didn't much care for Maggie, but I liked the idea of a planetarium show.  I hadn't been to one in years.

On our way there, Maggie (who was driving) turned off on a suburban side street and stopped the car.  "Come on," she said, "We have someone to see."

"This isn't the museum," I informed her, but my words fell on deaf ears.

I followed her up to a stoop in front of a dark green house and she rang the bell.  A guy answered the door and she pulled me forward.  She said, "Billy, this is my new boyfriend, Lou.  Unlike you, he has a steady job, prospects, and is great in bed."

Billy looked about ready to punch a hole through my face, so I said to Billy, "Uh... Maggie and I just met."

Billy turned to Maggie and said, "This is the third time you've done this this month.  Cut it out, or I'm calling the cops, psycho!"  He slammed the door closed.

Maggie said, "What an asshole," then turned to me and asked, "Ready for the planetarium?"

I told her that I wanted to be dropped back off at home immediately.  On our way there, she asked me over and over why I wanted to go straight home.  If not even she could figure it out, then I doubt any answer I could've given her would have sufficed.