5/12/2017

Someone Needs Better Friends

Story Sent in by Cindie:

I had arranged it with Chris for him to come by my house to pick me up for our first date. I dressed up and went outside when he called to tell me he had turned onto my street.

He pulled up and I approached his car. He shouted, "Damn, girl! You ugly!" and then honked his horn and floored it away.

That was a rough night for me but it was probably ultimately rougher for Chris, as the person who had set us up on the date was a dear friend of mine and she was sure to tell him what a jerk he was, as well as tell all of their mutual friends.

10 comments:

  1. How on earth did Chris's shitty personality get pass Op's "good friend"?I'm sure being hen pecked for being rude is no sweat off his back. I think op should really question her good friend's judgement. Not everyone is a super model and no matter how pretty or plain you may be , no one deserves to be treated with such ugly disrespect.

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    1. Perhaps there was a grudge going on... The friend was seeking revenge for some misdemeanour from OP of which she was not aware?

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  2. Story Time: for next time OP, don't get in someone's car on a first date!
    I did this once when I was too young to know better, and the guy turned out to be not the guy in the photo and super old (not an old photo, but actually a completely different guy!), and he kidnapped me and took me to a casino 150 miles away, with his 90 year old mother in the backseat, and tried repeatedly to assault me, and also said that I should give him what he wants because he gave me money to play blackjack. We were supposed to go to a Greek restaurant in town. If it weren't for his demented mother, I probably would have been raped. So yeah.... don't get into people's cars until you know them. I "broke up" with him a few days later by phone, and he screamed at me that I couldn't dump him because he had purchased me a $500 spa day. I should have called the police, but I was young and stupid. And also OP, I am sure you aren't ugly.

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    1. So, uh... what are you doing Saturday?

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    2. Could I ask for some clarification on this story?

      1. The person in the car was not who you were supposed to meet, but you stayed in the car? I mean, there must have been a stoplight between your house and the casino 150 miles away when you could have gotten out, assuming you didn't look at him when you got into the car and he started driving before you could get out.

      2. He took you to a public casino and gave you money to play blackjack? You didn't tell anyone you were being kidnapped by someone you didn't know? You took this stranger's money?

      3. "Broke up"? "A few days"? This implies you were still talking to this person for a few days after he kidnapped you and didn't run away from him screaming.

      4. This $500 spa day, had you already taken advantage of it or was this him saying he'd give you the spa day if you spent more time with him/didn't break up?

      5. How old were you when all this happened?

      Mostly asking because the story is confusing and I want to know for daughter educating purposes.

      Thanks!

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    3. Ok, yes, I will attempt to clarify my story. And I will apologize because this is going to be a super long post, so if you ain't got time, don't read it! I was trying to tell OP NOT to make a mistake like I made. The answers to your questions are actually more complicated than that but I will do my best, especially since you are using this story for your daughter, I want to be as clear as possible, because as funny as the story sounds, it is actually super important that she gets that she has autonomy over her body and can say no to men.

      1. The person in the photo looked like a model. I asked him if he was a model, and he said that he was previously a model. When I met him in the car, he looked nothing like his photo, and I said, wow, you look nothing like your photo, and he said, well I was 19 in the photo and now I am 35. I was not sure if even after 16 years he could look so different, and also he looked older than 35. So why the hell didn't I run screaming? Two reasons (two incredibly stupid reasons): first, I felt that judging him for his looks would be shallow, and maybe I should give him a chance, and I didn't want to be mean to him. You can't imagine how painful it is for my to type that, but many women feel this way. Second, I thought, well, his mother is chaperoning, so how terrible could this be?

      Women are punished in society for saying no, we are trained from birth to not advocate for ourselves. Many women overcome this, but many of us need a catalyst (this was my catalyst). And any woman who says "well what an idiot, I would never do this" is lacking in compassion and victim blaming. As a child, I was sexually abused by my pediatrician. Later, as a teenager and in my early twenties, I would sometimes put myself in scary situations, and I believe this is because I felt worthless and had terribly low self esteem. This was not helped by the fact that while I was in Germany on my first trip abroad, I was held hostage in a basement for nine hours (no, in this case I didn't do anything stupid, I was forcibly abducted). This wasn't the only incident- I also was almost raped at a frat "party" as a 15 year old because some frat guy invited me to his party, and when I arrived there was literally no one else there. I also ended up at the home of a guy in Germany who held a fork to my throat and told me he could murder me at any second. And then there was the guy who tried to strangle me in New York which was my first story on this forum. So please, do everything you can to protect your daughter from predators and abusers. Because if she is hurt, she could end up super fucked up, and in many dangerous situations. Being abused makes people (including men) lose their sense of self worth. And if you have no worth, than you tend to put yourself in situations you know you shouldn't be in. And I am NOT victim blaming here. In some situations I was forced to be there, and nothing excuses the conduct of the abusers. But, for instance, I could have chosen not to get into his car, which still doesn't excuse his assaulting me, but I wish I had made that choice. Now maybe he would have gotten out and put me in his car anyway, considering he assaulted me later, that may have happened. But I damn well wish I had at least tried not getting into his car.

      As far as where we were going, I thought we were going to a Greek restaurant, so I didn't have any alarm bells going off (especially because his mother was there) until we turned on to the freeway, at which point no, I could not get out of the car. I was very upset and said where are we going, and why are we on the freeway, and he kept telling me it was a surprise and his mother was there so I should relax. Another lesson for your daughter is that even if a woman is there, you are not necessarily safe.

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    4. 2. I didn't tell the end of the story. I didn't feel comfortable speaking to other people in the casino. Have you ever been in a cheap casino? Seriously shady people, outside of the sad little old ladies blowing their social security. I didn't feel like these people would help me. He had me physically by the wrist the whole time (I had bruises), and parked his mother at a slot machine. He clearly was a regular at this place, and they seemed to know him. He gave me money to play blackjack, and then made me play blackjack (I didn't feel I had a choice) even though I said I didn't want to. After I lost that money, he dragged me (he still had me by the wrist) into a stairwell and assaulted me. I didn't know what else to do and was terrified, so I did the only thing I could think to do, and told him coyly that I had to go to the bathroom and would be right back. He took me to the restroom and stood outside, while I locked the door. I was smart enough to choose a handicapped restroom, they are usually a single door that can be locked from the inside. I called my mother on the phone, and asked her what I should do, and that I was afraid of all the people there, and she said that I should stay in the bathroom and call a taxi, and she would pay for it. She was in a different state. So she looked online to find the nearest service, called a taxi, and they got her credit card number, and sent it to me. At this point, he was banging on the door shouting at me to come out, and I just hid in the corner. No security people came and questioned this (if there were any, I think there were just bouncer guys), which tells me that I probably could not have trusted these people. Anyway, it took the taxi about 45 minutes to get there, and I am at this point stuck in a fucking bathroom because he was still outside saying crazy threatening things through the door, and saying that other people needed to go, which I did not believe. There was a tiny window at the top of the sinks, and I got on the sink and crawled out through it, and dropped several feet (maybe 8?) down onto the sidewalk. I got in the taxi and left. It cost my poor mother like $290. Without the tip.

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    5. 3. I didn't go outside for the next few days because I was afraid he would be waiting for me (another reason not to get into a first date's car- they will know where you live!!!!). I got countless horrible texts and phone calls from him. He kept calling me his girlfriend, which is why I put "broke up" in quotes. I finally decided to talk to him to "break up" only because I thought if I told him I wouldn't be his girlfriend he would stop calling and texting. Which he did. Although for your daughter's sake, I would tell her never to engage with a stalker or harasser.

      4. I absolutely did NOT take his spa day!!!!! He said he had already bought it since I was his girlfriend and that I could not break up with him because he had bought it. I don't know if he made that up, or if he really had bought this spa day, and I don't really care.

      5. I was 19, almost 20.

      Sorry the story was confusing, I am not sure it is less confusing now, but the takeaway: teach your daughter to demand respect, and that if she feels uncomfortable for any reason, she can sound the alarm. That no one is allowed to touch her in a way that makes her uncomfortable, and even if she feels responsible or stupid, she does not have to go through with something she doesn't want to go through with. Teach her that she should never get in a car with a stranger, always meet new people in a public place, and that she can't trust everyone online. Also that she should always have her phone with her in case of emergency, and that no amount of money or drama is worth risking her physical well being over, and that you will be there for her (I am sure you would be, but make sure to tell her explicitly that you wouldn't get angry with her over such a call, and only care she is safe, it may seem obvious to you, but it might not be to a kid) no matter what. I hope your daughter has a much higher self esteem than I did, and would never fall prey to such a circumstance. But abusers are everywhere. In my case, I consider myself lucky to be alive.

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    6. Hi Megan,
      I think you are definitely lucky to be alive. I'm sure that story was not fun for you to re-live but I really appreciate you putting yourself out there, especially for the sake of educating other young women. Your story is definitely a cautionary tale and a good illustrator of how not knowing how to stand up for yourself can lead to a whole lot of bad situations. I am very sorry for what happened to you, but again, thank you for sharing your story.

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  3. I think Chris needs better friends. They set him up with some ugs C.H.U.D. chick, then harass him for not going out on a charity date w/ her? Sheesh... who needs enemies?

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