6/09/2016

The Birds and the Sneeze

Story Sent in by Lottie:

Dane seemed like a nice normal boy. He wrote me polite messages and he was the first guy in a year that I was actually excited to be meeting. And so we met and at first everything appeared to be even keel.

Then he sneezed into his arm and said, "Don't get too close. I don't want to get you pregnant yet. Sperm comes out of my nose when I sneeze so be careful."

I asked, "How did the sperm get into your nose?"

He said, "Through my vesicles. Just step back a bit. The time is not yet ripe. But it will be. Soon."

"Sperm doesn't come out of guys' noses. Or anyone's noses." Or maybe it did. I hadn't seen every adult movie that's out there.

He said, "I didn't think so either until I got two girls pregnant by sneezing near them. It's okay. They aborted. But it happens. I'm sorry for not mentioning it before."

We went out to dinner anyway and I was more than happy to split the check as I didn't think I'd be seeing him again. He sneezed twice more while we were out and he apologized profusely. "I'll help you pay for the abortion if you get pregnant. Sorry."

I felt bad for him but nothing I said on my end could convince him that he was talking complete nonsense. It's really just as well that I didn't see him again.

7 comments:

  1. @ JMG - Nice title!

    Clearly this guy does not understand the reproductive cycle. He would have to put his nose into your vagina and sneeze for you to get pregnant. Everyone knows that!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. but what if he pulled out just before he sneezed? do men have pre-mucus? asking for a friend.

      Delete
    2. Oh Bananas, that's called "The Money Snot".

      Delete
  2. I think that sneeze may have impregnated me...have him send a check for $1000 to cover my abortion. I'll leave my forwarding address.

    ReplyDelete
  3. He has the weirdest superpower EVER.

    ReplyDelete
  4. 'Then he sneezed into his arm and said, "Don't get too close. I don't want to get you pregnant yet.'

    Loving the "yet."

    ReplyDelete

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