2/17/2016

We're Married Now. Our Kids Have Six Legs.

Story Sent in by Christian:

I asked Angelina out to dinner after we met on Tinder. While we spoke, something seemed a bit off about her. She asked some pretty probing questions about my past and although I like to think of myself as pretty open, asking me, "How many times did you sleep with your last ex in a month?" is a little strange for a first date.

Soon afterward we spoke about our families. Were they big? Were they small? Were our grandparents still alive? How many cousins did we have? Your Cousin Paul's a contractor? That's interesting. My Cousin Orla is a–

Angelina interrupted, "Cousin Orla? You have a Cousin Orla?"

"Yes. Do you have a Cousin Orla?" Oh God. Were Angelina and I related?

"No. But... how often do you talk to her?"

"Orla? Maybe once or twice a month. Why?"

Angelina said, "If we're going to date, then that's gotta stop."

"Why?"

"You talking to a female cousin more than like at Christmas and birthdays? Yeah, that's not cool."

"Why not? She's my cousin. It's not like I'd ever make out with her."

"Darn right. Not on my watch."

I couldn't tell if she was being serious, but she quickly answered that for me: "A guy I was seeing long-distance who I really, really liked was secretly cheating on me with one of his relatives. Since then, I can't trust any guy who has female relatives."

"My mother's female. Is that a problem?"

"It shouldn't be. Just people who aren't in your immediate family who are women might be a problem. Sorry but I've been burned too many times."

"More than once?"

"Once was enough."

We split dinner and I bid Angelina a hasty goodnight. I then called my Cousin Orla and caught up with her. That was the best part of my night.

12 comments:

  1. ...aside from the crazy sex we had thereafter.

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  2. Thank the goddess I got old/fat/bald/married before this whole Tinder thing hit... sounds dreadful...

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    Replies
    1. Steve, you're married too?? What a terrible double standard!! I knew keeping my commentginity was the right thing to do.

      Delete
    2. I'm allowed to be married, but my commentwomens aren't, silly.

      And stop trying to save face - you gave up your commentcherry quite enthusiastically.

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    3. I'm a born again comment virgin, steve. Don't laugh at my fake purity.

      Delete
  3. She will only date men with all male extended families.....The scenarios in which that could be possible are not good. What happened, all the women were killed after giving birth to a son and all baby girls are executed? I mean, I guess it is technically possible.

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  4. Architect, your reference game is always on point! It's like the girl that assumed any other women he was chatting with on the dating site he was also fucking with.

    Allow me to say this on behalf of about one third of my gender: bitches be absolutely bat shit crazy.

    ReplyDelete
  5. You know, now that I think about it, I actually did date a girl once that got jealous of my female cousin. She was very upset to learn that I randomly hung out her. I was like... it's my cousin. It's. My. Cousin! Didn't make much difference...

    8+ years later, this crazy chick is still living at home, unmarried, despite making a good living being a schoolteacher. And that, kids, is why you should stay away from Jersey girls...

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    Replies
    1. And Steve is happily married to his cousin.

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    2. But still having some hawt commentsecks on the side...

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    3. I bet you didn't know KatieGirl was my cousin? BEST RELATIONSHIP EVARRRR!

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    4. ^ Damn you, for the WIN!

      Delete

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