11/04/2015

Glad He Didn't Work in a Gun Shop

Story Sent in by Elaine:

Towards the end of my junior year in college, I met Earl. Turns out, he lived in a city not far from my own hometown. We started dating just before summer break and had the full intention to continue dating throughout the summer, since we were both local.

He and I both had jobs. I worked at an ice cream parlor, he worked in a hardware store. They were close enough to visit each other on our breaks. One time when I went to visit him during lunch, he asked me to return to the store at 9:30, which was after closing.

When I arrived, he was the only one left in the store to close it up. And the first thing we did was make out all over the place. The next thing we did was lie down on some foam padding. I guessed what was going to happen next, but then Earl surprised me by standing up.

He said, "Hang on just a second. I have an idea."

He disappeared into the aisles. I had no idea what he was up to. Then he came back with a shiny copper pipe. He asked, "Want to use this?"

I asked, "For what?"

"One of your holes," he said.

I replied, "How about using it on the hole in your head, instead? Are you crazy?"

He laughed and put it down. "I have a million plastic ones if you'd prefer–"

"No! No pipes in my holes. Can we just get back to it?"

Instead of lying down with me and doing it, he disappeared once more into the recesses of the hardware store. He returned moments later with a larger pipe. A PVC one.

He said, "This is a larger pipe. Would you be okay with this?"

"No! The hell with the pipes! Can we just get on with this?"

He then lit up and said, "I have an even better idea!"

He dropped the PVC pipe and ran off again. I was no longer in the mood and I stood up, frustrated and ready to leave.

He returned with a thick wooden dowel. He said, "It's wood. It's safe."

"It's not going to happen! I'm done here. Let's go."

He groaned, unzipped his pants, and said, "I guess we'll do it the boring way."

I made my way to the door and called over my shoulder. "Meet me outside whenever you grow your brain back."

He shouted back, "I can have a great time with these things! You're missing out!"

I waited for him for close to 20 minutes outside. He never emerged. I guess he was having too great a time with those things. I left and we broke up shortly afterward.

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