2/13/2015

A "No" Would Also Have Worked

Story Sent in by June:

Andrew barely squeaked in as a potential date. He was pretty crass online but sometimes funny. On the date though, he was something else entirely.

He took me to a store that sold camping supplies and asked me, "Feel like camping?"

"Tonight? No. It's too cold."

"We can camp someplace warm."

"I don't camp out with first dates."

"You can bring your friends."

"I–"

"Your hot friends."

"They're, they're out of town."

"Where? We can bring the camping to them."

"Like 500 miles away."

"We can do that in a night. Up for it?"

"I have work early tomorrow morning."

"Call in sick."

It went on like that for a while. He had an answer for everything. I eventually convinced him that dinner was the best plan (I was starving by that point) and that launched him into another volley:

He asked, "Chinese or Japanese?"

"Chinese."

"Why not Japanese?"

"Because I'm more in the mood for Chinese tonight."

"Most Chinese places are probably closed. It's Chinese New Year. Let's do Japanese."

"It's November. And anyway, why would you mention Chinese as an option if you would prefer Japanese?"

"Because I thought you'd say Japanese. So Japanese is good?"

We ended up at a small Japanese place that had a half-hour wait. He was dead set on it and so we waited and eventually sat down.

At dinner his side of the conversation was similarly annoying: "How often do you see your brother?" "Why do you only see him that often?" "Do you think he'd like me?" "Who would win in a fight: me or your brother?" "Why did you say your brother? You meant me, right?" "Oh, I see. But what if I fought dirty? Like if I pulled his balls and didn't let go? He'd have to yield." "Why don't you want to talk about your brother's balls? Doesn't he have any?" "Have you ever seen them?" "Why not? He never offered to show them to you?" "Would you accept his offer?"

Oh my God. I had to rid myself of this weirdo. Once the meal was over and we went outside, he asked, "So, that camping shop's probably still open if you want to reconsider camping out tonight. Someplace warm."

"I have to go. Early work, remember? Have a good night." I headed toward my car.

He followed me. "Where do you work? I can call them to ask them to let you come in later. It might be nice to spend the night together. Camping. Just us. Or with your hot friends. Together with us."

I kept walking. He kept talking. I slipped into my car, locked the doors, and drove off, leaving him there to ask himself in a million ways why I didn't want to spend one more moment with him.

8 comments:

  1. Oh wow. I think I went on a date with this guy once...

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  2. For fuck's sake Andrew, take a hint!

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  3. Why did you spend any time with him in the first place? It was pretty obvious you weren't into him at the camping store.

    "I eventually convinced him that dinner was the best plan (I was starving by that point)"

    Then you should have left that numb nut dreaming of camping gear and gone to get some food. I know this flag gets hoisted plenty on this site but this date definitely has the stink of dinner whore on it.

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  4. All of these make me smile. This one made me snort scrumptious tea through all sorts of orifices. Thank you.

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  5. Mmmmmmmm.....orifice tea.......

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  6. Today, I've learnt that my dating life would be much better if my brother had showed me his balls.

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  7. After reading that, I was as exhausted as if I had been on that date. Now that I think about it, some of the people I know ask me a leading string of useless questions, baldly designed to finish with some handy-dandy bit of unsolicited advice. No balls questions though, thank goodness.

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  8. Don't know about the rest of you, but if I were going to drive my own car to meet someone on a date who decided we should go camping, I'd probably have gone through the McD's drive thru, gone home and camped out on the couch watching a movie by myself instead.

    ReplyDelete

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