8/25/2014

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(Episode two of Below the Belt, my new dark comedy web miniseries, is up! The plot thickens! -JMG)

Story Sent in by Louise:

G-rated is how I'd describe my first date with Daniel. He was a sweet guy who gave me a nod goodnight. Not a peck on the cheek, not even a hug. I would've let him kiss me if he wanted to, but he was chaste as chaste could be. Well, a gentleman. I thought.

On our second date, we walked through a park and were talking about the things that we nervous, fumbling humans talk about when we're on nervous, fumbling things like dates. We talked about happy moments in our lives and how we defined happiness and such. After I had shared my proudest moment, I asked him to open up about his.

He said, "You ever have a three-layer cake?"

I smiled. Was his happiest moment... a really good slice of cake? Oh, Daniel. So cute. So silly. So innocent.

I said, "I like black forest cake. And sometimes carrot cake, if it isn't too carroty. Which kind were you talking about?"

"Pussy," he said.

Ulp. Er...

He explained, "When you have three girls all facing up, stacked one on top of the other, so that you can eat them all out at once. A triple-layer cake."

"...you're not serious."

He nodded and said, "I am. Truth or dare was pretty much all-or-nothing in college. Oh my God. The best moment of my life. By far. The only thing that could surpass it would be a quadruple-layer cake. But weight's an issue. The bottom girl would go flat."

I laughed. I had to! Such words sounded too strange, coming out of his mouth. He asked, "Why are you laughing? You and three other friends, maybe?"

Ugh! Oh wow. He said, "Now you've made me hungry. You think we could do that? A four-layer cake? I mean, you're thin and you probably have some thin friends, right? Or the fattest can go on the bottom. We'll work it out. Seriously. I can do it."

We strolled to an ice cream place and ate, but he kept trying to convince me to go four-layer cake. I ultimately passed at the suggestion, and he was brazen enough to ask me for the contact info for my friends who "might've been game."

Finally, when he realized that he wasn't going to have any kind of cake from me or my friends, he asked if I'd go down on him in his car. I was tired of hanging out with him and I figured that if it would make him shut up about everything...

...ha! No way. I told him to take a hike. Oh, Daniel. So gross. So weird. So not happening.

5 comments:

  1. MMMMMmmmmmm....Cake!

    Wow Daniel, that's a pretty big ask for a second date. Maybe start with a single layer cake first (pancake?), and then work your way up.

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  2. There seems to be a lot of this going around: the guy seems like a nice guy on the first date, but by the second or third date, he feels comfortable breaking out the crazy.

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  3. Yeah, him acting all chaste at first was the big red flag that he wante to have his cake and eat it too.

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  4. For those of you who don't follow this site religiously, you want to read this one to truly appreciate her bluff at the end: http://www.abadcaseofthedates.com/2010/03/from-please-dont-breed-department.html .

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  5. Nice cake Archie. Is that six layers? Someone is looking for a sore tongue.

    But everyone knows that girls taste like Pumpkin Pie.

    ReplyDelete

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