6/05/2014

The Ultimate Payment Plan

Story Sent in by Eric:

I met Beverly online and we set up a first date at a local tea shop. She arrived pretty upset and didn't even order anything before sitting down. I asked her what was wrong (it was pretty obvious that something was) and she said that all of her monthly bills had arrived on the same day.

She then reached into her purse and pulled out a small stack of envelopes - bills. She handed them to me and asked, "Do you think maybe you could help me out with these? I'll pay you."

I flipped through them to pretend that I was actually taking her seriously. "You'll... pay me for paying your bills?"

"Yeah. Eventually. When I have the money."

As I said, I didn't give her bills a thorough look, but one of the amounts was over a grand. I told her that I couldn't help her. She became even more upset and said, "I can't even afford to buy anything here."

Let's be frank here: two of the bills were from women's apparel companies. These weren't exactly charges for ill family members or helping out stray kittens. So I thought I'd have some fun with it.

I told her, "There's a chance I could pay for a good amount of them... if you... you know..."

She wrinkled her nose at that, and I half-expected the slap in the face that admittedly, I had coming. But she didn't say anything and honestly seemed to consider it for a solid few moments.

"I..." she began, then didn't say anything for another few moments. She seemed to be choosing her words carefully before she spoke.

For the record, I was not planning to sleep with her or pay her bills. I was honestly just curious if she would go for the idea.

She finally said, "I don't think so... but if I change my mind, I'll let you know."

I really felt pretty bad for her, so I bought her a drink, we talked for a bit, and then went our separate ways. Still, that didn't stop me from texting her later on, "Let me know if you want to take me up on it."

She wrote back, "I promise I will. Just exploring all options."

Never heard from her after that. Likely for the best.

10 comments:

  1. "I'll pay you for sex. Seriously. Just kidding! But seriously. Ahhh! Got ya! But I do have the money in my pocket. I have no intention of actually sleeping with you. But I do have a lot of money and I am offering. Seriously. JK!"

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  2. OMG I just LOVE when I'm stressed out about money and a guy I barely know suggests that I whore myself out! Soooo funny! It definitely doesn't make me feel even worse about the poor choices that I'm struggling to correct!

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  3. OMG I love it when I'm on a first date and this stranger asks me to pay all of their bills! I just love having the opportunity to subsidize other people's poor life choices!

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  4. Ankh wins. Rachel, your indignantion at OP would be more understandable if the chick had simply made a passing comment about it, instead of asking a virtual stranger to give her money for her bills. But no, she walks into a first date and wants money thrown in her direction to "correct" her "poor choices." Is OP a bit of a douche for suggesting it? Probably. But she deserved a douchey response to such a stupid request.

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  5. Walks in to find sugar daddy. Meets pimp.

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  6. The Architect: http://youtu.be/JGGORwcrRwk?t=58s

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  7. @ MrKikkeli - LOL! Love me some FOTC!

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  8. Later that month, when the bills were almost due, she texted me back saying she'd do it. What a fascinating glimpse into the spectrum of human experience! I texted her back that the offer was still on the table. I wasn't planning on making her whore for money, I was just genuinely curious to see if she was seriously considering prostituting herself. Turns out that she was. Later, when my penis was actually about to enter her, I asked her again if she was sure she wanted to go through with it. I wasn't planning on actually going through with it, I was just genuinely curious to see how far she would take this. She threw a glance at the stack of bills on her bedside table and sighed resignedly. "Yes," she replied in a small voice.

    So I did her like the two-pump-chump that I am and then threw a wad of bills on the counter as I pulled up my pants on the way out the door. How fascinating.

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