5/05/2014

Diet Joke

Story Sent in by Amanda:

After my divorce, it took me a long while to wade back into the dating scene. I went on a few dates, most of which went well, but none of which excited me. Enter Fabian. He was from Portugal. He had the accent. He had the wry smile. He smelled great. And he was exactly what I wanted.

Our first date was a mix of me trying not to make it too obvious that I was ridiculously turned on and him trying to teach me Portuguese swear words. He was a gentleman, at least, and gave me a single goodnight kiss on the cheek. I would've accepted more, but he was right. Best to take things slow.

On our second date, he took me to a carpentry class. Turns out he also makes all of his own furniture. He'd come from behind and guide my hands as I fumbled with the silly project I was working on. It didn't matter. I barely remember the picture frame I made.

As we walked out, he asked me, "I'd like to show you something in my car. Will you take a look?"

I would've taken a look at almost anything he wanted to show me. I was pretty convinced (and sort of hoped) that it was a pickup line. I followed him and he took me to his sedan.

In the front passenger seat and in the back seats were people. Four, total. They were dressed up in jackets, pants, hats, ski goggles, and ski masks that covered any skin. They were all seated upright and unmoving.

"Who... what...?" I began.

He took me by the shoulders and said, "You won't believe what I've done. Ready?"

He opened up the front passenger side door and took off the hat and mask of the person who sat there.

They were Diet Coke cans. All somehow glued together. They weren't really molded or shaped, but rather just cans, as you'd find them in the grocery store, all attached together to form the approximate shape of a seated person.

"These are my cans," he said, "My can family."

He unzipped the jacket of the front seat's occupant to reveal that indeed, their entire body was made out of Diet Coke cans. It was... creative? Unusual? A bit creepy? All of the above.

He said, "Everyone in here is made of cans. Would you like to touch them?"

Out of respect, I did. I was surprised to note how heavy they felt. That's when I realized:

"The cans are still full? Unopened?"

"Most of them," he said. "Some I had to drain for different reasons during construction. But most are full. My can family of Diet Coke."

"Very... creative," I told him.

He laughed, then snapped a can off from the figure in the front seat. "Want some Amos? Take it."

"I'm good, thanks."

"Take it."

I took it. I don't really like diet soda. But Fabian was insistent, and so I opened it and drank a few sips. Fabian laughed and laughed. It seemed like this was the most hilarious thing he'd ever seen, and it clicked the situation up to a solid 11 on the creepy scale.

He laughed a bit more and said, "You are drinking his blood. It's okay," he turned to the front-seat figure, "right, Amos? I'll just get you a new can tomorrow. This woman is drinking you." He turned to me. "Drink! Drink!" he told me.

"I'm all done, thanks."

Fabian frowned, then took the can from me and drank the rest of it down. He wiped his mouth and burped, then crunched the can in his hand. "This is what I do to my enemies," he said, "I drink from them." He turned to his car and stared at his collection. "My can family..."

I said, "Thank you so much for showing me. I'm very impressed."

He nodded. I said, "I really need to get home. I have an early shift tomorrow."

He gave me a kiss on both cheeks then climbed into his car.

I hurried back to my vehicle and promised myself to never go on another date with him again. Lucky for me, he didn't call after that night.

5 comments:

  1. Introducing you to his family on the second date ? That's way too early !

    ReplyDelete
  2. ^ LOL

    See, this is what happens. You make a few friends so you can take advantage of the carpool lane and after a few months they start talking to you. You become close, like family even, and you introduce them to your special girl. Then what does she do? Drinks their blood! Jesus, some people are just plain nuts.

    ReplyDelete
  3. We need to start a Rebuttal Fund to reach out to some of these people. I'd pay a cool grand of your money to hear the other side of this one.

    ReplyDelete
  4. In a desperate emergency a can of soda will substitute for a fleshlight or a dildo.

    ReplyDelete
  5. @TryN2Fly- Technically, ANYTHING could be used as a dildo, if you're adventurous enough.

    ReplyDelete

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