2/26/2014

Reality Bites

(Flaws are spectacular. Find out why at my writer's column - Jared's Inkwell! -JMG)

Story Sent in by Maria:

Over email, Shaun complimented a black outfit I wore in one of my profile pictures and asked me if I was a "biter." I'm not sure why he connected what I wore to biting, but I told him that I didn't typically bite people. It stopped being a conversation topic until we met in person.

At dinner, he seemed surprised and upset that I wasn't wearing the black outfit from my profile photo. I was in what I considered to be standard date-wear. He then shifted the subject to, "So how many people have you bit?"

"Uh... none. Do you think I'm some kind of vampire or something?"

He asked, "Aren't you?"

Nothing, nothing in my profile said anything about biting or vampirism. He was jumping to some weird conclusion just because I happened to be wearing a black outfit in one of my photos. So I said, "No. Not even remotely."

He asked, "Do you like incisors?" and he bared his crooked teeth for me to see.

I told him, "They're very good."

He asked, "Do you live in a Gothic castle?"

"I'm not Goth," I told him, "That outfit in my profile was just an outfit. Nothing more."

"Which blood type tastes the best? Is it AB? It's AB, isn't it? Super-rare." he asked, a little too hopefully.

I gave him a look which said, "I'm not playing this game." He said, "Seriously? I'm trying to recruit you into the brotherhood, here. And you're turning me down?"

"Brotherhood? What are you talking about?"

He said, "Never mind," and shut his mouth for the rest of the date.

Well, up until it was time to leave. He leaned in close to me and asked, "Maybe a goodnight bite?"

"Ugh. No," I said, stepping away.

He shrugged. "Well, I tried. Can I bite you next date?"

I said, "If there's a next date, you can absolutely bite me."

Oddly, I didn't respond to his requests for another date.

13 comments:

  1. He probably just watched a True Blood marathon...

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  2. ^ probably the terrible last couple seasons. Although Anna Paquin did get naked, so maybe he had high hopes.

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  3. Ugh. I love Alan Ball's work, but True Blood lost me after season one, episode eight. Aside perhaps from Bill, there were absolutely no likable characters and Sookie spent most of every episode screaming at everyone regardless of the conversational tone. Reminded me of junior high.

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  4. Vampires make me sad. Especially for the people who like them.

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  5. Correction:

    Chunky Horse > Zombies > Werewolves > Vampires

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  6. Since I was bitten, by what I thought was a dirty crack whore, I like nothing better than sitting down to a big plate of brains. The less they have been used the more tender they are so Shaun's brain would have been delicious.

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  7. Correction to the correction:

    Chunky Horse > Zombies > Werewolves > The Flying Spaghetti Monster > Children with dull scissors > Alvin and the Chipmunks > Santa Claus > The Wiggles > Vampires

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  8. Judging by the conversation, I'm sure we can all agree that vampires suck in more ways than one.

    Also Architect, I would add a little more to that list: worms > dirt > Chunky Horse's waste > Twilight vampires

    Nothing is lower than the dang Twilight vampires!

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  9. Y'all are sharp ;) sorry that's the best I could come up with

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  10. Chunky Horse uber alles!

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