1/17/2014

Pizza to Go

Story Sent in by Charlotte:

Dan wrote to me first on OKCupid. He was cute and funny and we liked most of the same movies. We went out twice and we had a good time.

The third time, he gave me his address and invited me over to try some of his homemade pizza before we went out. When I arrived at his apartment, I entered the vestibule (he'd have to buzz me in) and I rang the buzzer but he never came down. I rang it again and even called his phone. It went right to voicemail, like his phone was off. I waited there until a resident exited, and so I caught the door and went up to his place.

I knocked on his door, but there was no answer. I left.

He called me the next day to ask me what was up. I was miffed, and I asked him what had happened the prior night. He said, "You came to my place last night? I thought you were coming over tonight!"

I am 100% positive, beyond a shred of doubt, that he had asked me to come over the night before. He was definitely wrong, but I didn't make a big deal out of it. He asked me to come over that night, and then we'd go out to a friend's party.

When I made it to his place, I found that his "homemade" pizza came right out of a Domino's box.

"This is your homemade pizza?" I asked him.

He said, "Well, it had to have been made in someone's home, right?"

"Or a Domino's store."

"Which is home to its employees."

Right. We ate and then he drove us to his friend's party. Which, by the way, was a pool party. He had neglected to tell me to bring a bathing suit.

"Just jump in with your clothes," Dan suggested. Thanks, Dan. And what about him? Had he remembered to bring a bathing suit?

He said, "My friend has spares, but they're for guys. Sorry."

Dan went off to socialize with everyone who wasn't me, so I made it my business to at least introduce myself to people and maybe make some new friends.

A cool guy named Jason talked to me for a bit, and after a couple drinks, he and I made out in the house bathroom. We talked for a bit more and then he offered to drive me home. I looked around for Dan but I couldn't find him, so I left with Jason and made it to my house safe and sound.

The next day, Dan called to ask me if I wanted to go to his house for more homemade pizza. I told him that I was just fine without. He asked when he could see me again, and I told him that it probably wasn't going to happen. He asked me again if I wanted to talk things out over homemade pizza, and I assured him that I was all set.

He called me again that day, while I was at work. I didn't catch the call coming in so he left a message. The message said, "So I'm just here, you know, eating pizza. Wish you were here. You can come over tonight if you want. I have pizza. Pizza for you. Homemade. Pizza. Homemade pizza."

Then, he belched the entire alphabet. I was so horrified that I actually listened to the whole thing, all the way through. Once he made it to "Z," he hung up.

*

(Huge thanks to each of you who supported Are You with Me, my new short film! We hit 234% of our funding goal! -JMG)

12 comments:

  1. Was "Dan" his real name? Or was it more like... DANATELLO?!?

    That's right, I called it. This is exactly what you get when you date a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.

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  2. "I was so horrified that I actually listened to the whole thing, all the way through."....Hmm, horrified or waxing the cat like mad? EVS is a helluva drug. It can make anything too compelling to tear away from.

    Also, @Wolfie: c'mere ya reference making god!

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  3. You go, girl! I'm sure the dude you hooked up with in the bathroom was of MUCH higher quality...

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  4. @Steve - I'm loving your new go-grrl! persona

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  5. ^ Thanks! I'm always looking to add fresh material...

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  6. Fizziks, how do I love you? Let me count the ways. Well, one way is for that special gift: EVS is a helluva drug. It sure is. It sure is

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  7. On behalf of the internet I would like to formally wriggle a finger into Wolfie, Steve, Tanette, and Fizziks gets two. Now that's a high five to remember.

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  8. So did you hook up with that guy in the bathroom again or what? I want to know if you took it to the next level aka the pantry.

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  9. Fizziks, with all this animated media you are showering me with, you are either the April O'Neill or the R. Kelly of my world. ;-)

    ReplyDelete

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