The Dating Dead

Story Sent in by John:

I met Rosalie online. Three dates later, we hit the bedroom. After a nice breakfast the following morning, she left my apartment and disappeared from my life altogether. She didn't respond to my texts or phone calls. I took the hint and moved on, even though I thought we were a great match.

Fast forward a few months later and a local friend of mine, Reggie, described his recent dating escapades to me. He mentioned someone he was seeing who sounded a lot like Rosalie, and I took a guess that it was her. It was, and I told Reggie what had happened between Rosalie and me. He told me that he'd see how things went with her.

Sure enough, after they did it their first and only time, she vanished. We had a good laugh about the whole thing, pegged her as insecure or a lunatic, and continued on.

Well, not so fast. A month or two later, we received a mass email from someone named Lauren. Lauren said she was a friend of Rosalie and that Rosalie was dead. She was reaching out to everyone in Rosalie's address book to let them know.

That was a shock.

More of a shock though, was when I browsed by Rosalie's dating profile a little while later to find that not only was it still up, but that it was changing. Over the course of a week, certain sentences were moved around, cut, or certain things were added. Regardless, there was someone still posing as her online for some strange reason.

Curiosity overtook me and I sent her a message over the site: "Rosalie? Is this you?"

A response arrived less than an hour later: "Yup."

I wrote: "Really? Your friend Lauren wrote that you were dead."

The reply shot back: "Nope."

I wrote: "Happy to hear it."

She wrote back: "Nope."

I found out later through a mutual friend that Rosalie was in fact still alive. But what her antics meant and why she pulled them are a mystery to me. Reggie and I have guessed that "Lauren" likely doesn't exist, but that's as far as we've theorized.


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  1. My three guesses:

    #1 - This is an elaborate test that Rosalie has created to see which man really cares about her. She sends out a mass email to all her one night stands using the Lauren persona to see which guy acknowledges it. If he answers and conveys the proper amount of shock/grief, she shows up at his house Lazarus style and then pursues a relationship with him secure in the thought that he cares.

    #2 - Rosalie is a nymphomaniac with
    multiple personality disorder. The Lauren personality is the one who tries to atone for Rosalie's promiscuity hence the death email.

    #3 - Lauren really does exist and went all Single White Female on Rosalie. Lauren took over poor Rosalie's dating profile and life.

    I'm leaning towards #3 because I love a good old fashioned obsession murder case but it's likely #1 because it sounds like some crap that Cosmo or those Rules books would say to do on a slightly less macabre level.

  2. I think she's like a mobile sperm bank. She goes around to different guys, gets their goods and then heads back to the clinic to make her deposits. As far as the "dead" thing goes, I'm choosing Devil's #3.

    Mmmmmmm.....Devil doing a #3.....

  3. I'll do a #3 for you, Architect. Let me just evacuate all my orifices first. Hee!!

  4. Devil, for you, I'd smack it up, flip it, AND rub it down! Red carpet treatment.

  5. Damn, Steve. Any man that will quote Bell Biv DeVoe lyrics to me won't just get a #3, he'll get a #7, #12 and the not often mentioned but much coveted #96.

    Sorry, Architect. Devil rescinds her offer to perform a #3 for you due to her untimely yet permanent death. - Love, Lauren

  6. Oh poor Devil! Dead and with no number 3 to show for it! Let me go over to her sexy lady lawyer website and convey my condolences.....wait...it appears this site is being updated! WTF Lauren?!

  7. @Lauren - as opposed to temporary death?

  8. The reports of Lauren's death have been greatly exaggerated...

  9. Damn, I can hardly type I've been whacking off so hard to all this Number 3 talk.
    Now my head has cleared let me tell you I can totally relate to Rosalie. I've lost count of the times I've finally got some dick from a date and they were so hopeless in bed I had to immediately cut off all contact and/or pretend to have suddenly died.
    On the other hand when a rare skilled gentleman rocks my world and goes three holes with a stylish animal hunger I like to mark the occasion. I dig a shallow hole for support then drop a huge fat deuce in it so it is standing up right, high and proud. Then play the theme music to Kubrick's 2001 A Space Odyssey.
    How else are you meant to show your appreciation?

  10. I've been told that sex is like pizza. That no matter how bad it is, it's still good. Idk. Anyway, this is a weird story. Did you know that they are now making a musical out of the movie Ghosts. They are now making musicals out of movies. Are there really no good stories left anymore? Anyway, I'm jealous of all of the numbers that Steve is getting from Devil. All I have to offer is the number 69. But sadly, I must let go of my beloved Steve and try to have an affair with TryN2Fly. Man, I'm tangental tonight...

  11. And also, what about Art Vandalay!!!!!

  12. Hang on Tanette, I feel something very special on its way for you and Art. I've put the music on. Hgggggrrr! Hhgggrrr! Nope false alarm just a bunch of heroin filled condoms.


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