Story Sent in by Steven:

My profile has six all-recent photos of myself. Enter Melissa. She wrote to me first, which was a rarity. We hit it off over the dating site.

On our first date, from the instant she saw me, it seemed something was wrong. She looked disappointed from the very beginning, and I asked her what was wrong. She said, "Nothing," but something clearly was. Swear to God, I look exactly the same as my profile pictures, which she must have seen on my profile.

Before our food arrived at dinner, I tried to have a conversation with her but she really didn't seem all that interested. I asked her again, "Something seems very wrong. Can you tell me what it is? I promise I won't be upset."

She said, "You kinda look like E.T."

I wasn't expecting that, and I said, "Didn't you see my profile photos? They were, you know, on my profile."

"Yeah... I... I dunno. I was just kinda hoping that you looked less like E.T. in person. But you don't."

I could've been insulted and upset (which, to be fair, I kind of was) but instead I decided to try and make light of the situation. Literally. Kind of. Remember that part of E.T. when his fingertip lights up? I held up my finger and brought it slowly across the table toward her. I said in my best E.T. voice, "E.T. phone home..."

"Stop it," she said, not amused.

I kept going. "Elliott... phone home... phooooonne... hooooommmme..."

She squeezed her eyes shut and cupped her hands over her ears. "Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!" she nearly screamed.

I stopped it. She recovered nicely and went right back to essentially ignoring me.

Not content to have that, I put up my finger again and said, "Elliott..."

"That does it," she said, then stood up and actually left me there.



  1. Get a clue Steve, she wanted the anal probe. She's a lady so she's not going to come straight out and say it BUT if a woman says "You kinda look like E.T" you go three holes. You didn't pick up the good news so she was annoyed & had to awkwardly cover her tracks.
    Secondly, who the hell is Elliott?

  2. @Try - Elliot is the little boy who discovers and ultimately helps ET (the alien in the popular film of the same name, not the OP) to "phone home". "Phone home" became a popular catchphrase and then Reece's Pieces were invented. Ah, the 80s!

    As for this date story, all I can do is sigh. I've been out with my fair share of fuggos but I never once told them they were ugly or alien-esque because that is just unlady like. One guy looked super cute in pics but showed up looking like a cross between Steve-O and Judge Judy with a receding hairline and a broken front tooth. You smile, remain polite, drown your disappointment and dashed hopes in liquor, give them an angry handy j in the restaurant parking lot and then ignore their fervent texts and phone calls. Geeze, am I the only lady left in this world?

  3. Close Encounters of the Third Kind > E.T.

    But Chunky Horse uber alles!

  4. This is weird. I woke up this morning with that "Turn on Your Heartlight" song stuck in my head. Anyway, OP aka Steven (a very sexy name, by the by) you sound funny and cool. Thanks for that. :)

  5. Yeah OP, she was mad because looking at you was like looking in a mirror for her. I think you dodged a xenophobic bullet there my friend.

  6. @ Tanette - Steven is a corny@ss name. Stephen > Steven. Steven is a filthy, dirty, corrupted Protestant version of Stephen.

    Additionally, I am the only Steve in your life. Got that?

  7. ^ 'Cause if you don't, he'll cut a bitch!

  8. Devil, you sound like the truest, classiest lady in the world.... nay, the universe.

    And Stephen? Really? PH? That's so 1990s. You ain't phat yo.

  9. Stephen is the name of kings, philosophers, and warrior-poets...

  10. ...Chunky Horse cult worshipers...

  11. This reminds me of a date I went on recently, hit it off with this guy named Jarrrrrrred off a mating site, he runs a popular blog about love, we make dinner plans. So far so good. We had such chemistry online but once he walked thru the door it was a different story. A few drink changed his mood, and I felt sure this was gonna be my night. I got him back to my place but his interest flagged.

    It really hurt my feelings. I even took his advice and gave my cat a Brazilian, but now she's pissed and he still won't return my calls.

  12. The cat and I will send you a Christmas card.

  13. Yes, Steve, of course you're the only one! And I will cut a bitch. Don't ever forget that.

  14. I think ET is hot. Steven should post a photo or a link to this profile so we can decide for ourselves. :)


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