Turtley Enough for the Turtle Club

Story Sent in by Franco:

Everything was planned well in advance for my date with Aimee. We had spoken online for three weeks, both liked the same restaurants, and made each other laugh like crazy. We were to meet at a pub we both liked and take things from there.

Only trouble was that she didn't show up on time. Fifteen minutes after she was supposed to be there, I called her and she said that she was "in a turtle mood" and moving very slowly. I asked her if she could hop into more of a rabbit mood and hightail it on over. She said she'd do what she could.

When she still didn't show after a reasonable amount of time, I called her again and once more, her excuse was, "I'm just really like a turtle today. I can't explain it."

I suggested, "Maybe we should… postpone?"

She didn't like that plan, but she asked me if I wanted to meet her at her place and watch a horror movie with her on her back porch. I headed over there, willing to see her however I could.

When I made it to her house, I rang the bell and knocked, but she didn't come to the door. When I called her she picked up and sounded groggy. She said, "I must've fallen asleep. I'm such a turtle today."

"We hanging on your back porch or what?"

"You can start it up without me. I'll be right down."

I was surprised to find a TV and DVD player on her back porch, but there were no DVDs. I gave her 10 minutes then left for good.

Three weeks after that, I finally received a text from her: "K. I'll be right down."

I have no idea what she was on, but at this point I don't think I'll ever know.


  1. First things first, the obligatory "Don't ever go to a date's house on the first date...or ever or you'll die" and "Dude, you're totes desperate for still trying to make the date happen after getting a shit excuse" comments.

    I think Aimee's use of the word "turtle" was code because no rational adult says they're in a "turtle mood". The OP clearly looks like a turtle and while talking to a turtle on the phone is always fun, no one want to go to a pub with or watch a movie with one. Turtles smell funny and pee on you if you try to pick them up. Fast swimmers though.

    P.S. - Turtles are very blue collar.

  2. Careful. Referencing "The Master of Disguise" in your blog title will only encourage Dana Carvey.

  3. Fuck. Every blue collar thing describes me/what I like. I love turtles!!!!

  4. @Devil - I always screen my dates by asking about "fast swimmers."

    I am otherwise unqualified to make any jokes about this date for reasons of being an occasional shitty turtle myself. :[

  5. ...sounds like a date from (s)HELL!

  6. Well, (ex)scute me for terrapin, Howie, if this site has tortoise anything, egg's that it's easy to snap at someone for Galapagasing around, but if ya don't you'll be painted into a box and end up a Lonesome George.

  7. @ Kitty Rose - Saying "fuck" is so blue collar.

    Anyone else getting a Franz Kafka Metamorphosis vibe from this chick? She's up there, living off of her own feces for three weeks, just hoping someone will come and let her out.


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