6/09/2013

Not How Pregnant Works

Email Sent in by Chris:

Hello Chris.

Remember me?

No?

Let me refresh your memory: Fall 2009. We went out on three dates: McGillin's, upenn, and mamma maria's. You didn't call me. Fine.

Apparently some of your seed lodged within me because NOW I AM PREGNANT AND IT IS WITH YOUR CHILD.
NOW I AM PREGNANT AND IT IS WITH YOUR CHILD.
NOW I AM PREGNANT AND IT IS WITH YOUR CHILD.
NOW I AM PREGNANT AND IT IS WITH YOUR CHILD.
NOW I AM PREGNANT AND IT IS WITH YOUR CHILD.
NOW I AM PREGNANT AND IT IS WITH YOUR CHILD.

That sinking in?

Time to talk.

Gwendolyn


*
(Chris says, "Gwendolyn and I dated, but we never did anything that could've possibly resulted in her being pregnant. Also, our last date was in winter 2009, and that was a bit more than a normal human gestation period ago.")

8 comments:

  1. Stop secretly lodging your seed inside girls, Chris!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I some times like to store a few loads of jizz in my cheeks like a hamster. Mmmm, a ham store. Sure helps me get through those regular dry spells.

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  3. I think this is totally plausible. Let's assume that the OP smokes copious amounts of weed thus making his swimmers a little slower than normal. While the OP made it clear that no sex was involved, the OP did not say that he didn't jizz in his pants during the date. We'll assume he did because if this site has taught us anything, it's that men will blow a load over virtually anything. That jizz ran down his leg and made its way onto Gwennie's shoe. It later crawled up her leg and found its way into her vagina where it lay dormant for 4-5 years.

    That, ladies and gentleman, is how you don't have sex with a woman and she gets pregnant many years later. Get your checkbook out, OP, you ARE the father.

    ReplyDelete
  4. @ Devil - I think we could apply this story to all virgin births. A reading from Matthew 4:20.....

    ReplyDelete
  5. She must be desperate for a baby daddy or sweet, sweet child support.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Wait, I think there are some species of fish, or maybe insects, that only need to be inseminated once and can keep reproducing indefinitely. So then all that would have had to happen was for him to have sex while drunk and forget he did it. The letter doesn't specify that they're not fish.

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  7. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  8. Well, according to many state laws paternity is determined by "what is best for the child" rather than things like biological connection, fairness, or sanity. So you might want to buy a crib and start saving for college, OP - you may legally end up as the child's father anyway! :-D

    ReplyDelete

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