5/30/2013

"Odd" Being Relative, of Course

Story Sent in by Jeremy:

Carol was an impressive writer who I met online. Her poems were dark and gloomy, but vivid and imaginative, which is, I suppose, the second thing that attracted me to her. The first thing was her photos, but in my defense, they were at the top of her profile.

Our first date was at a seafood place we both loved. She was a little odd ("I can speak squid," she told me with a straight face), but who isn't?

On our last date, she asked me to meet her around sunset at an old nearby cemetery, the oldest I knew of around the area. It had ancient headstones and weather-worn statues and carvings that you don't really find in most newer graveyards.

She led me to a mausoleum shaped like a pyramid and knocked on it several times.

"That's funny," she said, "It usually opens up by now."

I took a step away. "The mausoleum?"

"Yeah. They usually open it up. The dead people who live and love inside. You have a candle or match on you?"

I didn't. Which was probably for the best. She said, "Never mind, then. I'll introduce you to my friends some other time."

As that was our last date, I never met her dead friends.

12 comments:

  1. The dead people who live and love.....to eat your brains! This again proves that the "sexy, dark, fairy, pixie" girls are really just lunatics with a cute face.

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  2. Brrraaaaaiiiiinnnnnsssss!

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  3. I'm sure she's laughing on the dark, abyssmal inside...

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  4. If a woman speaks squid, you should ask to probe her buccal mass.

    Haven't meant to be gone so long, but I ended up stuck in the passenger seat of this guy's car. Took about two weeks for my muccus to dissolve the driver's seat after I everted my vage around it, then I could lumber out the door to freedom.

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  5. I'll never understand the "let's go to the cemetery at night!" dates. I work in a mortuary situated next to a cemetery and I see emo/goth kids and questionable adults trying to sneak in at night all the time. Maybe it's because I work there that I don't find it sexy or scary - just an opportunity to bust your ass on things you can't see in the dark.

    Besides, dead people don't haunt the cemetery. They haunt your house and possibly your car...and of course, your SOUL!

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  6. I guess the people that go on dates at cemeteries lack better alternatives, possible from being in a small town or something. Some of the cemeteries around here are from the 1600s, which is pretty cool, but there are so many other other places I'd rather take a date. Like cow-tipping. What do you say, Devil?

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  7. Crazy in the head, *crazy in the bed.
    Oh, and impressive pro gastropod move in the car Fizziks.
    (*anal)

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  8. Fizziks, the eldritch starfish pparently. Can you speak squid?

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  9. I started a drinking game, in which one takes a shot for each comment until a comment is reached that twists the story sexually in some contrived way, or something equally crude is said.

    It's a very short game, in which everyone stays fairly sober. Someone took my Scrabble board, so I'm all out of ideas.

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  10. @Nom, I think you left out the one where someone sanctimoniously repeats the lessons of the date like no-one else can deduce why the date was bad.

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  11. Yeah, but she's usually the first to comment. 2 shots if she mentions her boyfriend and how lucky she is that she found him.

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