3/12/2013

But Carnations Never Complain

Story Sent in by Duncan:

From her online messages, it was downright impossible to tell how loud and obnoxious Jenna was, in real life. But as I discovered, in real life, Jenna was downright loud and obnoxious.

We started on a late morning walk, during which time she would not shut up about "all the hot guys who filled [her] inbox with messages." At one point, she actually said, "After 10,000 years of evolution, I'm going to lead all women into a new era of destiny control."

I tried to be supportive, to tell her I was glad that dating had become more progressive in recent years. But she cut me off constantly, preferring to tell me, "This one guy, about a month ago, told me he loved me. I thought it was amusing."

I asked her if the guy had said that to her after just one date. She said, "No. It was after about a year. He's my ex," and then she laughed. "And I dumped him."

"Because he said he loved you?"

She laughed again. "Among other things. He was a doormat. Anyway, I've discovered that online dating is like a reverse meat market, but all the meat's rotten. No offense."

She dedicated the next several minutes of our walk to telling me all about the guys she had dated over the past month. "One guy seemed all right, but then after I dropped a really heavy hint that I liked daisies, he brought me a bouquet of just carnations. They're like, the cheapest flower. That was pretty Jew of him."

I decided that this would be our only outing, together. But I decided to stick with it, if for nothing else than to see what other horrible things guys had done to her.

She finished her tirade with, "I mean, the fact that every guy says he wants to bed me means I must be doing something right."

I blurted, "I don't." It was true. I didn't find her remotely attractive, anymore.

She replied, "Then you're gay. It's okay. Guess we can't date, then. Sorry."

I corrected her, "I'm not. But I still wouldn't bed you."

"Then maybe the problem is with you," she said, clearly figuring things out.

I then apologized that things weren't working out, and I suggested we call it quits. She then told me, "Don't leave." I asked her why not, and she said, "Just don't go. We'll do lunch, we'll still have a good time."

That was unexpected, but I relented and we had a casual lunch, during which time she went on about how wonderful and attractive she was. She even gave me a big hug goodbye. "My new homo friend!" she said.

Despite her entertainment value, for some reason, I just couldn't bring myself to call her up for a second date. She called me a few times, but I didn't call her back.

21 comments:

  1. You don't mention who paid for lunch....I'm guessing, since you stuck around even after the "pretty Jew of him" comment, that it was you.

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  2. You didn't find her remotely attractive anymore, yet when she pleaded to 'not go' you relented? Seriously? Why?
    Because either you did want to 'bed her' or you are gay. I think it's the latter.

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  3. Carnations, eh? Aren't those Jared's calling card??

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  4. Yeah, I read "don't go! You still haven't bought me lunch yet." It was so loud. Good on you, OP, for rewarding the offensive, horrible people of the world to a free meal. I think you got plenty entertainment, I can't think of a single reason to stick around.

    ...I'm sure others (Steve, Howie, etc) can, but I couldn't imagine how annoying that would be with her.

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  5. I've actually been on dates like this before. Girls that spend the whole time talking about how they go on sooo many online dates. Hence, my pre-Chunky Horse obsession with 'dinner whores.' I actually had a girl tell me that she dines out 5-6 times a week on random guys' dimes. She didn't get many second dates, but lots of free meals...

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  6. Steve, I've told you several times that as a traditionalist, I prefer roses. Stop sending me these carnation and Swedish porn gift baskets.

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  7. Ahem, Steve, I'll have those carnations and Swedish porn gift baskets if Jared is too stuck up for them. Although carnations are pretty cheap Steve. I'd think you could at least spring for something a little nicer.

    OP, way to be a door mat and shell out for a dinner whore (thanks Steve!).

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  8. OP, why did you get suckered into going to lunch with this b-word? She's obviously either extremely insecure or reeling because she got dumped. And she uses ethnic slurs.

    As for carnations: I love them! They are pretty, last a long time, and are relatively inexpensive. As for being a dinner whore, I'm sorry but going out to dinner with a guy who I know I have no interest in would be torture. That I'm not that much of a broke butt, even though I am a full-time student again.

    I'm not really single (haven't been in a few years) but I troll dating sites to remind myself why I am lucky to have who I do. I love you sunshine, if you read this!

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  9. Get 90% of the way through lunch, stand up and tell her "Well, it's been fun, call me sometime." and walk out, leaving no money behind. If you do it fast enough, it'll leave her in the lurch.

    NOTE: do not actually do this. This is a jerk move. But it's fun to think about.

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  10. Katie,

    When you say "really", do you mean a) factually or b) to an extreme?

    Sounds like you like fudge.

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  11. hahahahaha, the reason she didn't want him to leave was because she found out that he didn't want her which made her more interested in him. she used to be spoiled by those guys. op didn't which made him more attracted to her.

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  12. The over-loaded, used up cum dumpster would be such a pain to deal with. Bragging about how many dudes "want to bed" her does not make her seem attractive at all. However, it at least let the OP know that her vagina probably looked like an Arby's Beef and Cheddar exploded in her pants.

    I hope the next time she writes a message to someone online it's something useful, like a suicide note.

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  13. I'm a fan of moderation so no extremes for me. I'm happy and blessed for who I have in my life.

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  14. Katie -
    You "troll" dating sites to "remind yourself of how lucky you have it"?

    ...that's not even remotely true, now is it. Poor sunshine.

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  15. Yeah, I'm no so sure that Katie knows what it means to be in a committed relationship.

    1) She felt it was perfectly fine for a girl with a boyfriend to exchange contact information with some random guy who was hitting on her, as seen in the recent airplane story.

    2) She says that she's not "really" single. That doesn't sound quite so certain and committed to me.

    3) She still goes on dating sites (wtf?) to "see how lucky she is." Hmm...

    Poor Sunshine indeed...

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  16. Katie also has poor reading comprehension since she seemed unable to parse DaveG's comment calling her out on "not really single."

    Distancing yourself from being really involved with someone while simultaneously checking out available strangers online, yup, sounds happy and blessed to me.

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  17. a)Katie's not going spout her business all over the internet. b)It's true, Craigslist is great! I share my findings, so its not like I am doing it in the dark. Its just like entertainment.

    So cynical, I am very sorry that you feel the need to attempt to "call out" someone online.

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  18. Well how else is she supposed to laugh at Nice Guys now that niceguysofokc is gone?

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  19. OP should have told his date that she was racist as fuck and peaced out but apparently he's one of these assholes who doesn't have a problem with racist jokes.

    Even if she hadn't said that he still should have told her he wasn't interested in hearing about all of her make believe boyfriends.

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